The red light defines the stop sign
in the night of life.
But there is no stop sign for the darkness
pervading my mind.
With the depression sinking it's preventing me
from seeing the blinking light.
The light may shimmer but the hope dwindles because
it's all too far for me to envision.
As I stand in my storm of isolation surrounded by
a dark wave of depression
With just nothingness in my line of sight
I ask myself
Is this what loneliness feels like?
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,781 Reviews
For some reason, the word "pervading" completely threw me off and I had to Google it haha. So thank you for the vocab lesson. I absolutely love "storm of isolation", I really feel like it accurately portrays the deafening noise of being alone perfectly. Overall, a wonderfully thought provoking poem. Great job!
Hello, silverlady99! PastelSlushie here for a review! Let's get right into it!
First comment: While, I did absolutely adore this poem, I feel like this should have a 12+ warning on it, for talking about sensitive topics such as depression. It may seem a little unnecessary, but you don't really want someone with depression stumbling upon this without a warning.
Second comment: For the actual poem itself, as I have said before, I absolutely adored it. It talked about a very relatable topic of which millions of people can relate to. And that's something that every piece of writing needs, no matter how long or short. Good job on that part. I also love how you referenced the stop sign in this, I've never seen that before.
Third comment: In one line, "With just nothingness in my line of sight," you have added extra spaces in the beginning, make sure to change that to just one. Maybe add some commas too?
Well, that's the end of this review. I'm sorry if I seemed harsh in anyway you didn't like. Keep writing!
Pastel
Heya, this is Jedi here for a review!
First of all, I really enjoyed this poem, it wasn't boring and it was very poetic and had a very strong mood, so great job on that! Now onto some critique.
A red light doesn't define a stop sign. It defines a traffic light. So maybe say "The red glare defines the stoplight" instead? Just a suggestion.
Wonderful use of pervading, it describes it perfectly. There's a sense of panic going on here, dread, fear of darkness. You have a fantastic vocabulary and your choice of words really enhances this piece.
I don't quite understand whats going on here though, maybe it could be made a bit clearer. What I got from it is the mc is being swallowed up into depression and dark thoughts, and this emphasizes that there is no stopping, or no stop sign, for the depression and darkness. So what do you mean "it's all too far for me to envision" because in the next line you're surrounded by the darkness, so WHAT is too far to envision? the end of depression, or the beginning? I think this could use a tiny bit of clarification by replacing "it" with a different word.
Also I think the word "shimmer" could be replaced with a better word? Shimmer is a soft light, but I'd think this would be more glaring, as it is a light in a darkness in the poem.
The ending line isn't very original, and I feel like the poem deserves a more powerful last line to justify it. Maybe for the ending line mention something about the red light to tie together the piece? Just a suggestion.
This is overall a very powerful piece, and depression is a common topic for poetry but you definitely had a very original take on it, absolutely beautiful. I hope you find this review helpful and I hope to see more of your works soon, keep writing!
Hey there Silverlady99,
Myjaspercat here to leave you a review
Line-by-Line/Nit-Picks
Overall
For the most part I think you have a pretty solid piece here. The ideas were jumping around from being ok to being slightly cliché but it wasn't bad enough to cause me to dislike the work. Anyway, the line-by-line pretty much sums up all my suggestions. If you have any questions feel free to ask. Good luck and continue writing.
Hey there silverlady99! Welcome back to YWS!
So, after through the poem once, I felt the need to read it again. It wasn't connecting for me, so I thought maybe I was missing something. I think that you were trying to create something with the traffic devices, but for me it didn't fully materialize. You started down that path, and I thought, "I wonder where they are going to take it?"
By the end of the poem, the traffic devices weren't even referred to. It seemed like a disconnect for me. The poem didn't tie together. A side note: I didn't get the meaning of the first line. Might just be me.
I thought some of your images were good and created a calm feeling that is often associated with loneliness.
From the beginning lines to the second to last, I thought you were going down a depression path, and then the last line, you mentioned loneliness instead. Maybe incorporate more clues about the speaker being lonely? I didn't get that many clues from the previous lines.
That's all I've got for now. I'm glad you're back and writing! Thanks for sharing this poem!
~iamanaspiringwriter