saturday night

Rooting your tender feet doesn't make enough sense to me, it is like someone is standing for their balance and stability but it doesn't make sense for it to go, when followed by palms it makes the same sense. I am not entirely sure what you meant here. What follows for stanza one is good though, I like it.

As for the flow of the first stanza, it moves nicely as a logical progression where it makes perfect sense and even metrically where it makes less than perfect sense. You use a lot of content words, so your poem has lots of stresses in it, which is good. Lots of information that way! Remember, in phonology words that have information usually get stressed.

The apple imagery is solid in itself, and it works for the poem because you want to be saved and have the apple. It makes sense. Well done.

Note that the meter changes abruptly in lines:2, 5 and 6. Uh, you may be writing to a sound different than what your readers are reading with. Like, if something is more emotional to you than me, it's going to be stressed differently. Try to go back through this poem and put the punctuation where you're reading it to yourself, not just where it is logical. A good example of where I think you did this in the first stanza is between the last two lines with the comma.

Examples and meter analysis follows.

Okay. Lines: line 2, it's the comma, not the words. It makes sense grammatically but in poetry a comma means short pause, you can fix the meter with bringing ragged up to the previous line.
Analysis: line 1:Stressed, stressed, unstressed, stress, unstressed, stressed, stressed, stressed, stressed, stressed, unstressed. Spondee -> iamb -> iamb -> spondee -> amphibrach.

The words change well for line one. You have rise, plateau, then fall, then rise, then fall, then rise and plateau for 4 words, then rise, fall, fall. You get a steady climb and maintain with a little bit falling at the end. It flows back and forth and along, generally.

Line two: stressed, unstressed, stressed, stressed, stressed, stressed, stressed, unstressed, stressed, unstressed, unstressed. Trochee -> spondee -> sponedee -> trochee -> dactyl.

Your second line is a little off beat because of the comma. Also, you'll notice this one has a nice theme of rise and fall with a bit of plateauing. Good work there, it's like the previous line. Well done, your flow is coming along nicely.

Line 3: iamb -> Iamb -> Spondee -> iamb. Not the same as the last line, but I noticed your lines end then start unstressed so it flows well together.

Lines beyond 3 are running into the same problem of the grammar, this time a semicolon, ruining the flow in line 5.

Line 4: trochee -> iamb -> iamb -> iamb. Good flow here, back and forth, well done.

Line 5: iamb -> iamb -> iamb -> trochee -> amphibrach. The semicolon ruins the flow in this line.

Line 6: antibracchius , iamb, spondee. The comma in this line ruins the flow. Starts unstressed, ends stressed.

Line 7: trochee, amphimacer, iamb.

Line 8: bracchius.

Okay, now that the first stanza is done... Let's talk about the ending meter to the lines, it is generally rising and falling, making the lines that connect flow well together with the last 3 lines ending on stressed but with some starting unstressed continuing the flow.

OKAY. Stanza 2.
You should really make stanza two a bit more streamlined with saying I wish I could be what people think I am. Or something like that. Reason being: It implies the other line, and holds more emotion. Line one holds a little bit of good sad emotion. Line 2 holds less emotion and is more information, try to mix it with the surrounding lines to create a stronger poem, and less to worry about flow with.

"But I wish I could be" holds some strong relate-able emotion. Use that!

Wreathed in precious metal sounds nice, but it means weirdly. By that I mean, it doesn't invoke any imagery, i mean except a wreathe of metal around someone's head. But that doesn't make sense to me. Good emotion and description though.

I really like the last 3 lines of the second stanza.

As for the flow: metal / gentle flows well with the grammar as does "is prismatic, makes". But, "be. but" does not flow well.

Meter Analysis:
Line 1: Molossus.

Line 2: molossus, spondee, trochee, trochee. Lots of stresses again! This time it was because of the phrasing not the information carried. Important to watch.

Line 3: Iamb, antibracchius, antibracchius, bracchius, trochee.

Line 4: trochee, molossus. The period at the end of this line makes the next line beginning with but stressed.

line 5: trochee, iamb, spondee, trochee , trochee.

Line 6: iamb, iamb, bracchius. The comma here works well.

Line 7: iamb, iamb.

The ending meter is rise, fall, rise, rise, fall, rise, fall. This makes for a back and forth that works well.

Finally, stanza 3.
Being reborn as your own golden heart doesn't make much sense. Maybe with your own heart? And softest fury makes less sense too, it's an oxymoron. I relate to wanting to save yourself. Stanza 3's punctuation works very well. Good job there, truly.
Your ending is a bit rushed, it doesn't feel totally connected to the previous stanza.

Meter analysis:
Line 1: spondee, phyrric, spondee.

Line 2: trochee, iamb, trochee, amphimacer.

Line 3: trochee, spondee, iamb, spondee, trochee.

line 4: trochee, molossus.

OKAY!!!!

Your meter in stanza 3 is stressed, stressed, unstressed, stressed for the ending syllables, making for a rising meter that falls then rises at the end. The flow works well.

Basically, the totality of your meter uses rise and fall a lot with breaks of plateaus that works well for the flow. Only in stanza two does it really change up to be the opposite of the others, which works because that itself is a back and forth too. So, your flow goes very rhythmically up and down. Or down and up in stanza two.

So....

My impressions of this poem are it has some good lines, the punctuation ruins some of the flow, the use of mythology is greatness, the imagery of the apple works well, and there are some lines that are not totally up to speed with the other lines.

Good job, I hope my review wasn't tedious to read.

I don't know much about guns but I really like the flow of the poem. The ending was thoughtful and satisfying. I'm not a huge fan of how the last lines begin with "want" and not "I," of course that is up to you but I found myself adding "I" to make it sound better/make sense. I really think this is a beautiful poem. Thank you for tagging me <3

Hey, I like this poem. It has a nice flow and structure to it. The ending was really nice - as if the voice was crying out inside, begging to change. It is very relatable - and though pleading - ends with a ray of hope and strength. My favorite line "Want to hold myself with softest fury. Want to save myself" is beautiful - though the grammar needs to be corrected. Keep up the good work.

Hi

This is my first review on this site. I read your poem and I liked it so I hope I'll be helpful. And please do say if i interpret incorrectly or any thing of that sort. So, let's begin.

I would just go along the things you wanted feedback about. The flow was nice but it did at few places abruptly cut off. Just like at the moment "& ragged. Root my tender .." I think the full stop may be wrong typo since it made more sense without that, but it may be something you wanted it to be? I am not sure.

The apple imagery, particularly, is striking. It kind of held an urgency to it. It definitely works for me. A nice contrast with the hardness. Though I think you could polish the first stanza some more. To make the meaning more clear and language lucid.

The punctuations appeared at appropriate places. Second stanza completely makes the subject matter known to readers. There in the deep understanding with which the narrator explains the need to be viewed more deeply and understood from her insides. You nicely expressed her deep desire to be opened up. For the bullet coverings to be torn apart.

But the requests for help dies down. In the first two stanzas it appeared as if the situation of desperate need is being showed as a plea for help. Yet in the last stanza it becomes a resolve of the character for herself/himself. As rightly there is no saving from outside. The healing has always been the main responsibility of self. I think if you aren't satisfied with the third stanza yourself, you can make some changes. Though I don't have any suggestions at this point.

Anyway thanks for bearing with me be and sharing an amazing poem like this with us all. I hope I understood what you wanted to portray and was helpful.

I love it.
'I'm primarily looking for feedback about the overall flow (does the apple imagery work or is it a bit drawn out? what kind of impression does the punctuation in stanza 2 give?) as well as the third stanza, which feels a bit too open for me. I've been trying to work on how I end poems, since I feel like a lot of them end very similarly and it's definitely an area for me with a lot of room for growth. I'd also love it if you could tell me what your first impression was/a brief interpretation.'
So I have no feedback to give you for now. Good job.