Published December 13, 2010
will return one day.
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141,325 Literary Works • 674,343 Reviews
I warned you this would be a little different as a review coming from me. Instead of doing what I usually do, I'm going to just edit it willy nilly. And then you can see the difference. It's not a bad thing. But you're poem is very different from what I usually review/read so I'm trying to take a different approach to reviewing this.
Okay, there's a lot of pink up there. But not all of it is necessary. The thing is, well, this is very vague. Something like this really deserves more bulk. You have a nice set up here, putting the poem inside of the report. But it lacks the feeling of real horror I think.
And I found myself wondering if this was a police report in the beginning but it then starts to sound very news ish. I'm not sure. It could very well be a doctors/psychiatrist report. I can't be sure. This could go for some more exploration more than anything else. Dip into the emotion a little further. That's what this needs most of all. It's too bare right now I think.
Any questions, you know where to find me.
I like the way the poem starts now... much catchier. However, if you want this to be consistent, you have to rewrite the rest of the poem to fit the new beginning.
...which is actually what I have to do with my novel, lol. But hey! Whatever works, right?
Nitpick!
If you have any questions, feel free to bug me!
down to every last experiance. <-- "experiance" should be "experience"!
And yeah. Generally I liked it and all that jazz. For the critique, I present to you this video:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MoHPAY6ap-Q
Hope that helps!
May I start by saying that this poem was good. It is slightly disorganized with punctuation and grammar mistakes, but the visualization you seemed to have used is refreshing. However, too much nonsensical sentences in a poem can really ruin it and I cannot really find this poem making sense at any point. You definitely have a wide imagination. Below are some corrections I would make to the poem (highlighted in red).
The rest of the poem is pretty much the same, it's quite hard to follow and trust me I tried (I was intrigued to follow). I hope you keep writing, and if you need anything let me know.
Amazing. I absolutely loved reading it and I added it to a word doc I have on the best poems. It turned out amazing, and I can't stop reading it. To me, there is nothing wrong with this. I have made a video to it and this is pretty much one of the best poems I've read. ♥allikat98♥