Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Speaking freely... except not so much... even the title was edited 80 times.. oh my goodness even the title is too long now...

by shusher


Hello friends, families, beings of other galaxies

Welcome to the infinite chaos of myself

Will I be quiet today? Obnoxious?

Experiments of personality are always so much fun!



Hello jovial peoples of many kinds

Welcome to the front of my house

Please do not enter as you may learn of me.

It takes a lot of energy just to show you the door...



Hello piano....

It's been a while. Are you well?

Are you in tune with the world?

I suppose not since I haven't been around...



Hello mirror!

My, aren't you looking dashing!

You deserve a nice long rest...



...from what?

Tick tok goes the clock.

Knock knock knock

goes all opportunity.

I must run. Hide me!



I'm not sure where this poem is supposed to go

or what it's supposed to be

Though I suppose the answer to that is

me.

Who am I? What am I? Where am I?

Will any of these be answered?

I suppose I can listen to some happy jazz

with a hangover in the morning.


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19 Reviews


Points: 31
Reviews: 19

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Sat Apr 04, 2020 7:32 pm
koinoyokan wrote a review...



Hey Shusher

I really like the lightness of this poem. I find that poetry has the ability to convey emotion but many writers tend to forget that this means the whole range of emotions not just the dark and heavy stuff. So this feels like a breath of fresh air. I don't think poetry always needs to have a point sometimes it is better to just see where the idea will take you. It is very raw and unedited feeling which I like because it helps convey they feeling you are trying to express I think if you had started to go into the realm of too long or deep then you would have lost what fun light piece this is.

Keep up the good work!




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522 Reviews


Points: 18486
Reviews: 522

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Tue Mar 31, 2020 12:09 am
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Lavvie wrote a review...



Hi shusher,

Happy Review Day! I saw your comment in the byline and, as note, you can always go back in and edit the settings of the piece and move it to the section you prefer. Let me know if you need help with that :)

I appreciate the fun and silly tone of this poem. I think that is a direct result of the stream-of-consciousness that you've made clear. There is nothing wrong with that and it's definitely a freeing way to get your poetic juices flowing! With that said, I think that sometimes stream-of-consciousness can lead to some disorganization and there is definitely some of that here. What I might recommend to you is take advantage of your stream-of-consciousness writing and then when you're done writing whatever it is you're writing, you can revisit it and make some small suggestions so it is just that much more organized. You don't need to make huge changes, because I fear that might taint the silliness that you've achieved here! However, you can tighten it up a bit first.

Writing strategy, of course, depends a lot on the person. You should go for what works for you. However, I encourage you to be mindful of how this might be interpreted by your audience. In this poem's particular case, I feel like some of the stanzas don't flow into each other. For example, the last stanza doesn't really seem to wrap everything up - I feel like I'm left hanging. In other words, there isn't a satisfactory conclusion. This is where revisiting your writing that's done in stream-of-consciousness might be beneficial.

Overall, I liked this and I hope you post some more!

All the best,
Lavvie





We are all broken. That's how the light gets in.
— Ernest Hemingway