Young Writers Society

Hi shusher,

I guess your poem just isn't my style, rather it is written in a style I don't normally see.

Your poem is clear and concise as stated below, but I can't really find a specific meaning in it. Because of this I can't sympathize with anything in the poem. You use redundancy as a tool here, that is you say the same line twice for a reason I cannot understand. You're asking someone for mercy, then thanking them for being merciful. I'm not sure if this is a religious piece or a melancholy piece. I think you should add on to this, it could end up being great!

-poop guy

Concise and to the point! However, the poem is quite vague. Perhaps some symbolism could help!

Thank you all so much for the likes and reviews! I'm so shocked this made it to front page! Again, thank you all so much.

Hello! I love this poem. It has it's flaws, but I really connected with it.

I don't have much to say or criticize that anyone else hasn't already said. Just watch repetition, rhyme scheme, you know.

I don't think you need a comma after so:

"So, I
So, I asked
So, I asked for mercy."

You really conveyed the emotions of desperation in this piece. I highly recommend editing and polishing it. With some work it could really shine! You have the emotion, now you just have to go through all the technical stuff and smooth it out.

If you edit it, please let me know - I would definitely like to read it!

ella

Hello shusher!
Here's a somewhat late Welcome to YWS!
I hope you're enjoying your time on here.

Now, on to the review!

I like how this is a prayer, and I especially love that ending. It's honest and contrite and overall lovely. Thank you for sharing it. I happened to read your "description" of this before I clicked on it, and saw it had to do with Psalm 5. So I read the psalm. Then I read this. I actually went back and forth a couple times, trying to see the connection. v. 7 does mention mercy, but other than that, I didn't see how this poem related to David's words at all. Unless. You intend for the speaker of this poem to be David. In that case, I see more of a connection. Though it's still pretty vague.

I like how this poem is written as if a broken and desperate person is speaking. The repetition, I thought, worked well, but I think you may have overused it a tad.

I told You
I told You from Your Word
I told You from Your Word that I…

That I’d seek you.

I told You -
I told You - from Your Word
that I - that I'd seek you

My eyes open to dust.
My heart beats in lust.
My strength is mere crust.
My limbs will soon bust.

In this
In this I asked
In this I asked for rebuke.

Mercy.

So, I
So, I asked
So, I asked for mercy.

You do what You do.
You are who You are.
You show mercy.
You are merciful.

Thanks for sharing this very unique poem about a believer in God who feels sinful and the need to request forgiveness from a God he describes as merciful. But there is far more involved than just that and that's what gives the poem its depth of meaning.
The speaker is under extreme emotional stress due to guilt and doubt which is causing him or her to be hesitant and repetitive. In a way it almost seems as if the speaker doubts that he will indeed be forgiven and must therefore grovel in order to attain it.

It's as if he feels God is ignoring him. After all, why would he need to tell God to look at him if he didn't feel rejected? Or remind God that he had previously made promises based on God's own Word?

Whether or not the speaker is deserving of the mercy he seeks is another matter. Some people are habitual sinners and abuse God's undeserved kindness by sinning purposefully while counting on mercy. So that is for God who can read the heart to decide.