Sientite: Prologue

by shusher

Published December 13, 2017

12+ Violence

In Adventure poems

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The rocks were struck, and in them stuck one like a flower with unknown power. After careful extraction beautiful attraction stood still in its beholders eye. His hand he stretched. His hand it scorched. He used his tools which all grew hot, but cool enough they would not drop. His name unknown. Why, the future will show.

Walking to the king with a new shiny thing, the miner’s life end was about to commence. A man in the shadow, lust he had swallowed. He couldn’t remove the sparkling jewel, not from his eye. “It must be mine.” This was his thought before the ruin he brought. Swift choke of the hand, the miner couldn’t stand. He collapsed to the ground with hardly a sound. The robber picked up the tool to carry the jewel. Yet, his name unheard. His life shall also end.

Both were walking to make it the king. Both were trying to become renown. Why should the robber not die on his own? Passing the guards he removed his, and one of the guards was not so bliss. A flick of the sword, just cross the neck, and down went the robber, down to his death. “A robber this one,” the guard had said. He picked up the stone, and off to Hell’s bed.

Up, up the stairs with hardly a care. Up, up his arrogance of the power of a baroness. The royal young lady had saw the whole thing, she took her knife… the story repeating. Picked up the stone with words of silver, “This item here, is a royal treasure.” With a coy air, she spoke to her lord. The king took it himself, “unseen before.” These were his words which spread through the world.

He voiced for a scholar who soon came in, asked him to discover, “What is our win?”

The scholar said, “Time, that’s what I need. Just give me this, and I’ll do as you heed.” The king made a new law which had banned all from seeing this man lest death would befall. Hard, hard work. Hard, hard work. Studies and writings entered a book.

The rock was dazzling, but why?

The jewel changed colors, but how?

Hard, hard work. Hard, hard work. Studies and writings entered his book.

With passion came fire, and compassion to water. The rock changed its form, to each emotion color. With love grew red, with anger was orange. Concerned family questioned well being, concerned family dared be disobeying. The scholar’s loved wife came to his door, and knocked as she would always before. Just a small peek, just a small check to see if her husband would soon come back. He warned her to leave, and she did not stay. The king was displeased. Her head went away. The scholar didn’t hear, he did not know. On went his work, but soon time would tell.

Everything ready, all in motion. The scholar opened a door to quite the commotion.

Friends waited that day, waited to tell what’d happened to her, how her head fell. “Your wife is no longer. The king had her killed. She’d visited you here, so her blood had been spilled.” Vision became a blur, rage had occurred. His sword drew unsheathed, laced with new teeth. The weapon a fusion orange with passion. Blood was needed. Desire was headed. The scholar was ill, not physical, but mentally still.

He could not escape his rage. His mind couldn’t turn the page. His wife was gone, and so his mind. He wanted to leave. Escape he’ll find. Who stood in his way immediately cut down. Unable to be stopped, he would escape town. The blade cut through steel, could not be opposed. His blade became red with love for his rose. With corpse upon corpse he covered the roads. They who saw glared like time had been froze’. There his escape, the mighty, tall gate, but standing in front, the king.

‘Twas not a fierce battle, their swords did not rattle. One went through the other like a knife to some butter. On went the scholar in love and in furry, and all to the king the people had scurried.

“Appoint us an heir. Do not die in vain!”

“My son, please come here. Hide it away. Hide what we found, do not bring its reaping. Lest the world be in sorrow, calamity, and weeping.”

Structures were built, and the best of men to guard. Yet questions arose why the area’d been cut off. A kingdom known for crops came to discover why all the secrets. What has been covered. Refusal to trade became their proposal. The kingdoms agreed, “but do not be informal,” said the kingdom of origin.

Three kingdoms are these, the greats in the land, Atruk, Hemsworth, and Xanix all stand. Artuk our home, and Hemsworth their dealer. Xanix with stealth acquired it later. They scouted the area, studied the walls, questioned how to get in, and the cost if men fall. After careful contemplation, they came to a solution. Performed without a hitch. No witness. No snitch. With lust came a thief. With lust, stole a woman. With lust hid her away, A wife had been stolen.

Ignis searched. Ignis searched. Ignis searched. Ignis searched. She was not anywhere to be seen. “She is not,” his mind gleaned.

His sword carried that which brought death. His anger and passion caused cursings per breath. Near’ driven mad, he found a new lover, one for his health, one to bring peace. Out of this love a new man was born, a man to be seen in the rest of our lore.

Comments & reviews · 3
User avatar
LJF
Review
LJF wrote a review Review · Jan 2, 2018

I want to see the rest of this story. I really do.
Mainly so I can figure out what on earth happened here. It seemed very interesting and lots of important stuff was clearly happening. But I couldn't follow any of it.
I think you were trying to use old, vague-sounding language to be dramatic. Nice idea in theory, but it wasn't executed well. You introduced various characters, but didn't fully explain who was who.
This is an unnecessary prologue. I'm a big advocate for prologues, but this one just doesn't really have a purpose. It's exposition trying to pretend it's not.
Good luck!
-LJF

shusher replied · Jan 2, 2018

I appreciate the advice. The reason for these characters lack of depth was because... they're completely unimportant to the entire rest of the story... which will happen... eventually. Plot is not the primary focus here, it is how the world was created. The only character in existence here-afterward is small references to the scholar who invented the weaponry.

User avatar
Rosendorn
Review
Rosendorn wrote a review Review · Dec 31, 2017

Hello.

Reading the opening of this, I'm under the very strong impression you're trying to go for something extremely epic. Something grand and sweeping and deity-directed.

Toss that out. Immediately.

You want to focus on sentence structure first. Your sentences are consistently object-verb-subject, in passive voice, which is making this extremely hard to read. Try taking your opening paragraph and putting it in subject verb object/active voice and you get:

[something] struck the rocks, and one stuck like a flower with unknown power. After careful extraction, its beholder saw a beautiful attraction standing still. He stretched his hand. It scorched his hand. He used his tools which all grew hot, but cool enough they would not drop. His name was unknown. Why, the future will show.


While it's not pretty (thanks to repetition, not enough description to create solid imagery, and a lack of PoV), it's readable.

Going for dense, passive, "unique" sentences is a way to have readers close your book after reading just a sentence. And right now, this story is utterly strangled by the attempts to make it sound "grand", without anything that actually makes it beautiful.

Grammar exists for a reason: it's the generally-accepted convention for making strings of ideas readable. You can make a beautiful, epic introduction by using description instead of trying to toy with grammar.

Beyond that, actively trying to make an epic is a near-surefire way to have people pass on your story. Epics are named after the fact, by others, and isn't a genre. Instead of trying to craft a story— with characters we can relate to, which is the true heart of Lord of the Rings— you're trying to craft something that's so big we can't relate to it.

Because that's the thing about writing. We need to have something to relate to. A solid character. A solid moment. And right now, we're lacking that completely with your opening.

Write a story. Write a readable story, with characters we relate to. Worry about the rest later.

~Rosey

shusher replied · Jan 2, 2018

I want to create something with rhythmic power to interest the reader, but none of it relatable to the reader. Would you happen to have a reference for this? Thanks for the review by the way. I was quite hopeless about anyone giving it some time. Porbably because of the reasons you mentioned lol. oh well. The number of readers before it is published is not that important haha.

Every story has its own rhythm that develops naturally. Don't worry about purposely finding one. Just write the story simply, first, and develop your own style as you edit and revise.

As for the number of readers before it's published being not that important: you're wrong.

Sure, in the early stages, you're right. But in the later stages? Even middle stages. If you don't start developing a fan base before you query, you won't have the pool of beta readers you need in order to get the story better. If you don't start developing a fan base after you're signed by an agent but before your book is officially released, then your book is far more at risk to be out of print within 6 months to a year.

Developing readers before you publish is hugely critical in the modern publishing world. So if you don't work on making your story readable and relatable now (which means creating a character. I noticed in another reply that the early part of the story is all setting the stage, which is a huge detriment to any fantasy story. Readers, agents, and editors want to know the plot and characters within a few pages) then you've hamstrung your publishing efforts before they've even started.

shusher replied · Jan 5, 2018

Alright I hear you. Sorry I responded aggressively I was just a little taken back by the fierceness of your comment.

Honestly, you didn't register as aggressive. Not to me, anyway. Taken aback I can understand; that was my intention.

The first solid review I got on YWS made me cry. Genuinely made me cry. For about half an hour. Because it was telling me all my clever tricks and witty lines and sweeping setup was boring, confusing, and not impressive in the slightest. I wanted it to be impressive and sweeping and clever.

It was the best review I ever got. It (and subsequent reviews with the same tone) forced me to check my ego at the door, peel back all the shields I had around making a "clever" story that was going to earn praise for being so unique and fly off the shelves, and work on writing one simple word in front of the next. It stopped being about what I wanted and started to be about what the reader wanted.

Cause once you peel back all those clever tricks and witty lines and sweeping setup, it's raw. It's painful. It's your skill (or lack thereof) laid bare, and for every single beginning writer, there is a lack of skill there. You're giving something you created to the world and letting it judge you. It's scary but necessary.

The reader's enjoyment is everything in publishing. Getting too caught up in your head, where you focus more on showing off than pleasing the reader, is a recipe for disaster.

Forget tricks. You'll learn them later. The best abstract artists went through course after course on realism before they could learn how to break reality. The same goes for writing.

shusher replied · Jan 5, 2018

Honestly, this is so helpful! I needed this comment!

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shusher
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shusher commented Comment · Dec 14, 2017

#whosabellcanwrite



“Writing fiction is the act of weaving a series of lies to arrive at a greater truth.”
— Khalid Hosseini, Author