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E - Everyone

The open seas.

by shusher

The waves built bows
as the sky fired her quiver.
The shout of mighty men clashed
upon our walls. 

We lifted our nose
and charged straight through.
As a thunderous voice screamed
across the sky.

We were moved
but hadn’t lost our footing.
Aye, we're still standing.

Retreating to our yard
Where north winds won’t find us
And south winds might hide us.

Turning our faces to the rest of the battle
Swords swung silent.
Holding on to what rope we have left.
Ripping right away.

The day grew darker
As the sky grew brighter
Clouded heads found their break
And made their break to home at last.

The bows began to wain.
The quiver is nearly gone
Victory this day
But war is still on.

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135 Reviews

Points: 615
Reviews: 135

Wed Nov 22, 2017 4:06 am
Thisislegacy wrote a review...

Legacy here for a review :)

It seems like you are trying to paint a picture of a nighttime storm in the middle of the ocean. If so, you have done a good job, but you could also talk about how the waves kissed the skin of the people on the boat or something like that.

Just a slight grammar thing, "Swords swung silent" should be "Swords swung silently". Just silent doesn't quite sound right since it would make the most sense in the imperfect past. Also your tenses during the poem don't quite match up, so you should decide what tense you want to tell the story in.

Other than those few things, I think you are good to go :)

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shusher says...

I appreciate the idea of waves kissing the sailors. I'll think it over. Grammar, as I mentioned in a different comment to my poem (hooray for supporters #thanks ) is an area that I struggle in. So, telling me exactly where is a HUGE help! I'm not sure how to edit it just yet. I'm new to this site lol.

Thisislegacy says...

It's totally cool man. If you want any other ones critiqued just let me know :)

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Points: 200
Reviews: 0

Wed Nov 22, 2017 1:26 am
AdaTownsend says...

This poem is excellent! The imagery was incredibly vivid, especially in the first ten lines. I felt as though I was in the battle myself; you definitely captured my attention. However, the vocabulary and imagery could be stronger towards the middle of this poem. Try to maintain the voice you began with and fx some minor punctuation errors, and this piece will be near perfect. Keep up the amazing writing!

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shusher says...

Punctuation... grammar in general, is an area I struggle in. By first 10, did you mean first 8, as in first 2 stanzas? Do you think that the voice change is because the stanzas go from 4 lines to 3 lines, with a rhyme structure change?

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841 Reviews

Points: 664
Reviews: 841

Wed Nov 22, 2017 1:09 am
Radrook wrote a review...

Thanks for sharing. There is a lot of imagery and symbolism here which is very poetic and is a plus. But I am having trouble forming a coherent picture of what exactly is going on. The waves and quiver seem to describe a sea in turmoil and the sky hurling lightning. But later references seem to contradict that notion. A battle is definitely taking place but I can't visualize who are the combatants. A reference to clouded heads and heading home is just as cryptic.

I like the expression, "The day grew darker as the sky drew brighter."

I think that the poem expresses more of a joy in the battle than it does about being at sea. I can easily imagine the speaker being equally enthusiastic on land as long as he is happily eviscerating and lopping off heads.

"We lifted our nose?"" For a brief moment I thought the poem was referring to some aberration of nature. A creature composed of many but having only one nose. The whale briefly came to mind but that didn't fit. "We were,... are still" is a tense discrepancy. Very important to keep the tenses in harmony. Charged straight through what?

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shusher says...

Thank you so much for the feedback. I've started taking a look at the stanzas in terms of tense discrepancies. While there are some issues, the one you exploited, to me, didn't have many issues. In "Were moved / but hadn't lost our footing. / Aye, we're still standing," is more of a before and after picture. Thanks again for the feedback though!

p.s. I laughed at the fact that you were the one who noticed the excitement I had, and the enthusiasm of my fantasy in this poem. I can tell you are an avid reader!

The words you speak become the house you live in.
— Hafiz