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E - Everyone Violence

I took a break from work, so here's some reading.

by shusher

Once upon a time, there was a better beginning than this one. The characters danced, cried, chuckled, and died, but still... not in this one. There was a plot, a devious one, by the main villain who won't be appearing in this story. Basically, this is an incredibly boring read. Why? Because I'm bored. Why? Why do you have to ask so many questions? Moving on.

Action filled the pages like air to lungs. Nothing was recycled. Fresh air every time. The reader hardly noticed all the pages being turned. The drama, the thrills, the suspense, thick plot was circling, challenging the mind of its audience.

Not in this one.

Is this a short story? Is this a poem? I don't know. Moving on.

The hero of the story went off in an adventure, an adventure with danger. He foiled the villains henchmen, casted them in anger. In the pit of justice that so many stories fill. Traps and stunts the hero did take, risking his life, and a forced rhyme at the stake.

He defeated some beasts, stormed in territory one dared not go, and found some family member crying for show.

"Fear not, my kinsmen. I will protect you."

The kinsmen that spoke, was no relative at all, but a creature distorted who one would appall. Legs came out its back, and it's speech was not in tact. Sounded more like a groan, or me when I'm at work. 

Wait a minute, are you enjoying this story? The point being made is that it is boring. How dare you find this plot and rhyme entertaining! How dare you see past my scheming! Look at this poem, not correctly formatted. Look at the grammar descending chromated! You want me to finish revel this dish? I'll find an end to the start that will tare you apart!

The cliched kinsmen is the long lost brother, who sailed away to find what is greater. He came across an old vendor who sold what was cheap, put a curse on the item so benefits would reap. A slave he acquired, this villain of ours, to take vengeance on the hero for killing his flower.

Yeah... his flower. He was very upset that Rose died.

The hero cut off his head. That's it. No action at all. Just... brother... no longer. Ding dong, the witch is dead... or... the minion of the witch.

I've 3 minutes left to write this, so get ready for some trash.

The villain descend on a cloud of smoke, kinda like LOST. The hero picked up a rock,  threw it at him. The villains head knocked, and unconciously fell. Like a meteor the earth a small crator on yet... another rose. He cried a little before his head was also cut off.

Big boss battle took 3 seconds to win. Why? Cause I got bored and wrote something.

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271 Reviews

Points: 16577
Reviews: 271

Tue Dec 12, 2017 3:41 am
rosette wrote a review...

Oh my goodness gracious.
I don't even know what to say. xD

Like. This is amusing, but then I don't know what it is! It's not necessarily a story, but there's this weird little plot bouncing along. (A very strange and confusing plot, I might add to that). But reading this, it sounds like dialogue. Like the narrator is this impatient person telling an off-the-wall fairy tale to some curious little child. That's literally how I saw it.

But then at certain points I enjoyed the fun rhyme (He defeated some beasts, stormed in territory one dared not go, and found some family member crying for show) and thought you could make this a ballad of sorts.

Either way, I don't think this story works out just like this... but then you did say you wrote it in 30 minutes, so hey - congrats. Better than my 30-minute works. :p

I don't know what else to say, except for a quick "sorry for the lame review". But I don't think you were really looking for one...? Ah, well. Have a great day, anyway!


Random avatar
shusher says...

To get confused now. I write to be read. A review, no matter good or bad, is always helpful :). Thus, thank you for the information. Most of what I write is experimental, despite how quickly or long I write it.

User avatar
74 Reviews

Points: 0
Reviews: 74

Sat Dec 09, 2017 9:24 pm
Thundahguy wrote a review...

Hi, I'm Thundahguy, and this has genuinely made me laugh out loud. Here’s a review:

Seeing as this is something you did in like 30 minutes for fun, I’m not going to really critique it. How about a legitimate review, the ones that professional type people give. I may not be qualified to do humour, but I’m not qualified for anything else, so here we go:

1 point for humour obviously. I laughed. It’s an automatic point.
1 point for satirizing an adventure story. It isn’t an easy thing to satirize, speaking from personal experience.
0.6 of a point for characters. Hero guy is okay. Evil guy is great. You say that this story wouldn’t have drama, but then the monster is actually the hero’s brother. That sounds like drama. You lose 0.4 of a point for being a filthy liar.
0.4 of a point for the story. Simple story, not really worth a point. Half of it is also focused on how this is not a conventional story. You simply get 0.4 of a point because the hero broke a world record for fastest villain defeat.
0.9 of a point for rhyming. Again easy point, but you lose ten percent for grammar errors that I never comment on. Is this cheap… well, yes. Am I going to defend myself? No. Heck, treat this as a full point if you want.
So, in total, 3.9-4 out of 5 points for this. You get a Canadian B+. Don’t be a filthy liar, and maybe you could have gotten a Canadian A-.
In all seriousness, it was a delightful read. Thoroughly enjoyed it.

Random avatar
shusher says...

when did i lie? maybe i can edit that. also, i write all in 30 minutes lol... or at least, everything on here... and usually less.

Thundahguy says...

The monster being the brother of the hero is a dramatic set piece. The hero also ruining the villain's rose is also dramatic somewhat. It's arguable. Maybe...

Random avatar
shusher says...

I don't think it's dramatic. It's very overdone, but so is everything. The villain wants revenge... that's extremely overdone.

Random avatar
shusher says...

Also, this is an opinion based matter, not really worth arguing over.

— SirenCymbaline the Kiwi