Do you care?
to stop pretending you're so tough
I'm standing here
Why don’t you care
Show me you love me
Are you scared?
of me
scared of what you think I see
You’re scared to feel
I’m scared to heal
Show me you love me
Do you know?
how much
I cried for you to let me go
When I want to stay
Stop chasing me away
Show me you love me
Do you hurt?
inside
ache in places where part of you has died
It hurts to try
Hurts to cry
Show me you love me
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141,249 Literary Works • 674,330 Reviews
Hey!
I love the repetition of the statement, The force of you wanting to know. I love how it is telling that person how you feel and how you really want them to feel the same but they are not working towards the same thing. I love the sense of desperation in the work and I love how it can feel that pain in the work as it goes further and further along.
I love how you start it off with a question which starts each stance off well and allows the reader to get a sense quickly of where you are going with it.
A format like this to be carried on?
Oh I think so!
I love the concept of this, although I'm going to be nitpicky.
I believe it would sound better if it was "Show me that you love me" if you say "show me you love me," it comes across as wishy washy and in this sort of a setting for poetry, you need to be assertive.
Also, the voice in my head was confused as to how to read this. The question marks, then the addition afterwards caught me off guard as a reader and the lack of grammer to.
It is good, just my nit pickiness needed to state the little things
Hey shulcan! I'm here for a quick review~
Technical
Overall
This has a lot of potential. Somehow, I think it works better as lyrics to a song. There's no particular rhyming scheme you have here, but you still manage to cart out this ... beat. Explore what you're trying to say. There was plenty of emotion behind your words, but what were you trying to convey? As a first poem, this was really very good. All I can do is suggest you take a look-see here, and keep writing! Don't ever give up or cave in to criticism. Writing is a sport. The winners are those who never give up.
I hope this helped, and keep up the good work!
Cheers,
~Pompadour
Hello! IF this indeed is your first poem ever, it's not that bad for beginning making one!
Interesting message you have backing your poem here. Maybe you could better develop your poem as you go along. I'm not saying it isn't developed, believe me, it is, but I feel like it needs to be broadened a bit more.
Love the questions used throughout--it makes your poem uniformed and consistent. Your rhyme scheme was easy to point out, which isn't a bad thing! I'm glad that you used proper rhyme scheme patterns. My only concern is punctuation and something off in the words.
Some words were close to rhyming in your rhyme scheme. Words like "here" and "care" are close to rhyming but not rhyming..if you understand what I mean. Try to avoid using closely rhyming words and actually use words that validly rhyme (can't put that any other way...)
Hope to see your next poem! Allons-y!
thank you for the review!