Prologue

by shulchan

Published September 7, 2012

In Short stories

Prologue

 

The tunnel they are in is dark and depressing. The air is dank and reeks of sewage. It’s dark, and Alice’s eyes must squint in order to see even the vaguest outline. She runs her hands along the choppy walls as she walks, using it to guide her towards safety. A silly notion, for she will never truly be safe. She hears the man behind her as he walks. His gait is strong and sure, unlike Alice’s own feeble footsteps. I can hear the fear in my footsteps, she thinks.

“Stop!”

His voice is sharp and clear against the stillness of the air. Alice pauses in her tracks, her heart hammering so loudly she is sure he can hear it. She turns to face him.

“What?”

She hopes she sounds confident. She must, because if he hears the fear in her voice, he will know she does nothing for him out of true loyalty. The man just cocks his head. Evaluating her.

His roundish face, large eyes, and plump lips make him look rather childlike. He just stares at her, and again Alice feels the beginnings of fear creep up on her. She keeps her face expressionless while she pushes it back down. She can’t let him sense she’s afraid.

“What do-“She starts to say, but his cold stare stops her. Such big, innocent eyes radiating such intense coldness.

“You don’t talk unless ordered to,” The words are said in the same tone one would have used to say the sky is blue.

Alice speaks hastily. “I’m sorry, sir-“

“You will obey my commands and attempt to use your limited brain to remember them.”

She doesn’t respond, although inside a part of her wants to scream “How dare you call my brain limited!” But she knows all too well that the consequences are extremely severe.

“You will now wait here. When I give you the signal, you will push this button.”

What button, Alice almost asks and then clamps her mouth shut. She feels something being thrust into her hands.

She looks down at the object in her hands. About the size of a football, the object is square with only one button in the center. Suddenly she realizes that she doesn’t know the signal. She looks up at the man, but-

The man has disappeared. Alice feels panic rush through her, if she fails to hit the button, he will murder her! She can’t die, not yet, not now! Not with the baby growing inside her- the baby no one knows about except her. 

It doesn't really matter if I live either, she thinks, as if to cheer herself up. She certainly couldn't care for it while serving her master, and its father had disappeared in the uprising- even if she lives, who will care for it?  Not her parents, surely- they are against even her very existence.

Anxiously, she looks around. Maybe he will wave a flag. Surely nothing too complicated, though- he feels her brain is limited. What is the button for, anyway?

She waits for his voice. Suddenly she hears footsteps coming towards her, the voices belonging to them growing gradually louder.

“Give it to me.” Alice recognizes the cold voice of her master.

“No, I will not,” That is stated simply, without a trace of fear. Alice admires this man, whose voice is only vaguely familiar, although she can’t remember from where.

“I can set this place on fire. You know I will.”

“That would kill you too.  Then what would be the point of having it?” They are avoiding saying what it is.

“That proves how very little you know about me.” He sounds utterly confident. Alice can imagine him smiling, that smile that is both friendly and hostile at the same time.

Alice listens for the second man’s response. There is none, and she hears the pitter-patter of their footsteps stop. She strains her ears, listening for some sign of the men, when she hears a shout.

 “Now!”

Is that the signal? She doesn't think as she presses the button. There is a sudden boom, a bright flash of light, and the world goes dark.

Comments & reviews · 2
User avatar
Cailey
Review
Cailey wrote a review Review · Feb 24, 2013

Hey there, Cailey here for a review.
So, this is interesting. I think you have a nice concept here, but I feel like there's something missing. I don't exactly know what's happening. So, the botton was a bomb?
I like your description and your detail, and you do a nice job at getting into the character's mind. I like that I know how the girl feels, and I like the way you tell us that she's pregnant. Although, that makes the ending all that much sadder.
I don't have too much to say with this piece, but I really like it. I just think you should reread a couple times to make sure it's saying what you want it to say. It did seem like there were times when you missed something, and didn't actually explain what you thought you were explaining. It left me with a lot of questions. Otherwise, nice job.
This wasn't my best review, but I hope it helped. Let me know if you have any questions or comments.

User avatar
StoryWeaver13
Review
StoryWeaver13 wrote a review Review · Sep 8, 2012

"The man has disappeared. Alice feels panic rush through her, if she fails to hit the button, he will murder her! She can’t die, not yet, not now! Not with the baby growing inside her- the baby no one knows about except her. Its father had disappeared in the uprising- if she dies, who will care for it? Not her parents, certainly- they are against even her very existence."

Okay, logic check here. If she's pregnant, and she's killed, her baby would die as well. That's my major criticism for this piece, which really isn't an awful start. I'm not a huge fan of present-tense stories; they've become more common after "The Hunger Games," but sometimes I think that it takes away from the story rather than enhancing it - but that's really more of an opinion. As far as storyline goes, I think this is a decent hook, though the characters felt a little cookie-cutter and dry. I know it's a prologue, but it would still be nice to see a little more personality shine through.

In any case, I hope this helps, and I hope you continue your story! Despite my criticisms it's dripping with potential.

Keep writing!



When I use caps I do not want you to read it like a little screech, I want you to read it like a 5,000 year old ogre with the strength of 10,000 men.
— avianwings47