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141,265 Literary Works • 674,332 Reviews
I think Hannah stole what I was going to say -- my own fault for having a guilty habit of reading other reviews before I begin.
Imagery is required. I'm lost a little without it. Your approach seems too basic, too shallow, to really grip the concept properly. I always find that poems that ask questions -- like you do at the end of the first stanza -- rarely provide answers. And I think poems that provide answers to questions, or at least attempt to, are very often stronger than those that simply pose a question and refuse to tackle it. Poetry is never cowardly. You gotta be brave and chomp right in there. Tie this to real life, through metaphor, analogy, whatever. You almost did it when you started talking about threads and webs, but you changed again in your last stanza and refused to take the leap. You're just nibbling the edges of a wider opportunity.
Try this again. This time, take your time, taste it on your tongue, consider the flavours, before biting right into the core of the matter. And show us the messy results.
Pardon the puns. I'm hungry now.
Hi!
So, generally I agree with Hannah.
Your first three lines set up something, but I'm not sure it's the poem that follows. Rather, these lines give us a statement, and the rest I'm reading as much more speculative, which doesn't make sense to me. I'd rather see the rest of the poem explore those first three lines.
Actually, I just love lines 2 and 3. I'd love to see you do more with this idea - play with, free write, whatever. Instead of stating the end of the first stanza, use that turn to write everything else - don't just state it, but play with it. That's probably not entirely helpful, but I think hinging on that kind of structure would be to the benefit of the poem. Like, begin with one idea, and use the rest of the poem to turn that on its head - just don't quite come out and state it. Explore, poke at it, prod it a bit.
Good luck editing, and PM me if you have any questions! Especially if you come back to this - I can try to be a bit more helpful!
Mesh
Hey Shloka! Dropping by for a short review
Firstly, about your idea. I really liked that you're trying to write about the farther corner of poetry like physics and science. I think, also, that your interpretation about mirrors, minds and webs really is cool and brings in that 'sudden clarity' feel which adds its readability factor.
What I don't see much as remarkable is the use of the mental phenomena to describe the state you're trying to exude. Your speaker is in between thoughts about how the world really works, but you haven't payed much attention to that, thus you haven't given much focus to your topic, disabling your grasp on the idea you're trying to release.
Next, let' see some parts of the poem where you can edit:
The first two verses are very loosely connected, I think. Maybe because the first verse only told of two words which you'll focus on, and so a remark--which you did in the second verse--is very much not necessary. Try to just add some lines in between them to clarify the idea and not make the first verse very bland.
This is a very good set of lines, but I haven't seen the great establishment of the idea that the mind creates the thoughts of the web, and there wan't any reproductions of the thought anywhere else in the poem, locking everything inside that second stanza therefore shortening the importance of that very great idea. Try to capture it once more and release it all over the piece through new verses.
If I still remember my Physics right, the materials aren't the ones reflecting, but reflected. I know what you're trying to say in these lines, but the use of the word 'reflecting' just isn't enough to clarify your thoughts. Try another term, which most probably be 'were reflected'.
Lastly, there is one more thing I'd like to leave you: sharpen your concept. Try to hold on to it tightly as you write and make sure to not forget resetting the idea in between the stanzas. Don't lock the emotion to one stanza from another.
Well, I think that's all I can commend on for now. I know this will be a very good piece, just do some editing here and there, okay
Yours indefinitely,
Alf
Oh wow I like this a lot! I like the images and language used, it really got inside my head and I can understand what you're trying to say. However, the ending is kind of a cliffhanger for me, I feel like the point you were headed towards wasn't completely developed and there was more to be said. Cool concept though, very thought provoking.
Hmm. I think you're grasping at something that you've not yet managed to get a hold of, and are trying to describe it from a distance when what it needs is an intimate view. I think this is clear by the way the voice gives up at the end. You are trying to communicate this idea of what is reality and what is important to your being if you can only rationalize your being through your mind, though you only see your presence in the world.
Then you describe the same thing in the second stanza, just more abstracted. The very same thought, and the last stanza is just the giving up.
I know it's a difficult thing to tackle and get anything that makes sense out of it, but I think you should push deeper. Perhaps it would benefit you to work at the concept without naming so bluntly what you're thinking about? To try to get the reader to comprehend the dichotomy without saying "mind or world?", so they come to it on their own. How would you do that? You'd have to get into some extended metaphor.
I think the value in that would be the necessary inclusion of more image. Image almost always anchors a reader. Since it's very hard for us to grasp this concept anyway, image would help ground us, always giving us a line back to something we DO understand -- the visuals of a spider web -- while we dive deeper, line by line, into your thoughts and this philosophy. Do you think you could do it? I wonder if I could.
Anyway, it's a good topic to bring light to, but I think it has to be approached differently to have any greater success than just saying "Is the mind the mirror or the world or the world the mirror of the mind" plain and simple without calling it a poem.
PM me or leave me a wall post if you have any questions or comments.
Good luck and push further!