Photons

This is a very beautiful poem and you should be very proud of your work. It just hit home with me. That's all I can really say. I don't think poetry is something that can be truely critiqued and judged. If it's beautiful and meaningful to the author, that's all that should matter. But this poem is beautiful and meaningly period. I don't enjoy reading poetry that much, but I thoroughly enjoyed this.

Hey there shloka!
This is one of the best poems I've read in a while! Not because of what it was about really, more because it actually left me thinking. Maybe I'm being biased because I like to think about strange things, but still.

At first, I had no honest idea of where you were going with this. Once I read your last five lines, the poem became ten times better. I just loved your ending, in all of its thought provoking glory.
I didn't really get the analogy with the drunk person though. It seems like you used it as a filler rather than to contribute to the overall meaning of the poem. Maybe I just didn't understand it, or I'm missing something. Feel free to correct me if I'm wrong.

Now if you'd like to point out some nit-picky stuff, your capitalization is a bit weird to me.
Like here;

This is amazing. I can't even describe how well done this is. It's some what mysterious in a way. The reason I say this is because it left me thinking. After reading this my mind wondered. It wondered to some places that it has never been before. Poetry is such an amazing thing. It makes your mind wonder. But, your poem took my mind so a place a can't even describe.
Nice work.!

~Tale xxx

Hi! Shloka19..

Whoa, i like this. The notion, content and the challenge of this. In everything, we must give our best. Even though it will only last for a short period of time.

This stunned me throughout and i was struck on the message. Especially on the lines: "30,000 years of endless struggle
And 8 minutes of short lived glory". I'm inspired by this lines..

Keep going..

ll
U

Ahhhhh, super EXCELLENTLY lovely intent behind this poem that will only be heightened with revision and further thought as to presentation.

The first stanza, for example, might as well be prose. It's written in just casual spoken language while the rest of the stanzas try a little harder. Give the ESSENTIAL fact a beautiful place to rest that draws us in. The fact is hooking enough. Not everyone knows how long it takes for a photon to get to the surface of the sun, so that's exciting to learn in the first place; don't coat it in dismissive casual, not-worked-at-all language.

Then, the comparison to the drunkard's walk would be cool if there were a parallel to the "one step back" in the photon's actual journey. What is that referring to in the extended comparison? Are you just assuming the photon turns around and then keeps going? To me, the drunkard's walk still works because it's sort of a wandering kind of journey, as I assume the photon's journey is through a big gas ball, but the one step back does not work for me.

Lastly, get ALL those "insignificant"s out of this poem. You are writing this poem because it's significant, so find the adjectives you really mean. Did you mean ordinary? In comparison to the extraordinariness of the sun in the sky and the photon's journey? Give us what you really think about this situation.

But on that note, leave out the actual speaking voice. "I wonder" is unnecessary. We are already in the realm of thoughts. PLEASE! Just give us the thoughts. How could it be? is a good starting place without the "I wonder", okay?

think a little harder. dig a little deeper. present this to us with CARE, don't just let it fall out because you had this thought. change our lives.

let me know if you have questions!

Hey shloka! Here to review. :] And I'm must say that I'm certainly glad that I am doing so.

This poem was great. It's simple and straightforward, but it's a bit snarky in that way as well. I felt like there was such a blatant, laughing, sardonic undertone to the whole thing.

But the first stanza...asdflkiewf. I'm sorry, but this MUST be revised! (Or not, it's your poem. That's cool too). Beginning with "I learnt some pretty awesome things" isn't exactly the best way to go about it.

There are other minor things that could be tweaked for the sake of rhythm and structure, but I think the previous reviewers have done an exceedingly good job on that front, so I won't reiterate what's been said before.

Anyway, it's a little lacking in poetic-ness, but like I said, it works. Still a little too rigid for my tastes, but it's a lovely poem nonetheless. I love the concept; being a science nerd, I sincerely admire the thought behind it, one that culminates and grows all to come full-circle at the end in a simplistic but intelligent way.

Keep writing, and best wishes! xx

Hey, Shloka19! Euph here to review your intriguing poem! c:
Let me start off by saying that it is a very interesting topic that you chose. Though, I feel as though you did not put this together to be very poem-esc. To me, it feels more like a ramble at how big the world is, with poor grammar. But, this is what my review is here to help fix!
For starters.. First line should be "I learned". But, the first two lines are unimportant, and make this seem more ramble-esc, rather than poetry. If you nixay the first line, and cut straight to the point, I feel as though this could sound a lot better. Perhaps it might sound better if you rework the structure into something more like
"30,000 years / That's how long it takes for a photon / To go from the center of the sun / To reach surface" Also.. What surface are you referring to? The sun's surface? Earth's surface?
As for the second stanza.. It still appears like you are just half-hazardly jotting down your thoughts. Perhaps if you were to reword it to something more like, oh I don't know.. "Much like how we make progress / Two steps forward, one step back" Also.. This could be conjoined with the first stanza.
Moving onwards to the third stanza.. You are still making this too personal, and ramble-esc. There is no clear thought process behind your words. I'm not trying to rewrite this for you, but merely guide you with more appropriate examples.
"Tiny, insignificant facts / Cold winter mornings as I make my way to class / Hands burrowed deep into jacket pockets. / Feeling the photons of light / Filtering downward through tangles brances and knitted leaves."
Continuing on to the last stanza, you could make this one strictly about your wonderings..
" I begin to wonder / How could it be possible / 30,000 years of endless struggle / 8 minutes of short lived glory / All cultivate to nothing / Nothing more than a vain effort to warm windblown cheeks / And of what? / An insignificant person / When? / In an insignificant moment / On an insignificant day."


With a few tweaks, this poem has potential! Keep up the good work, kiddo. If you have any questions, feel free to either message me or post a comment upon my wall.
Sincerely yours,
Euph

It's a decent idea but it's expressed haphazardly and not very uniquely. Yes, the universe is huge and yes, science makes humans feel insignificant, but I don't feel like the best way to express this to people is by listing a a fact about photons you learnt in your Astronomy class.

Is "I learnt some pretty awesome things in my astronmy class this semester" really how you want to start a poem? That might be the spark behind your desire for writing, but it shouldn't be the first two lines of a poem. I feel like the first stanza is a sort of author's note letting us know why you're writing. Scrap it.

Get right to the heart of the matter quickly. It takes you to the fourth stanza until you actually make a point worth mentioning, about how science takes thousands of years to simply warm somebody's cheek. But I don't hear about it until right at the end, and by then I don't really care.

So, I recommend scrapping most of this and starting your second draft with the bare bones of it. Destroy the useless words, the pointless phrases, the inability to actually say anything interesting until right at the end. Have another go. I'd be interested to see what you could do if you really focused on the minute details of what you're trying to say and less of a "Hey guys, photons are cool! I learn about them in school!" kind of approach.

I love this poem! I loved how you combined knowledge and creativity throughout your piece.
In addition, I thought that your analogies and imagery was very effective in trying to get your point across to the reader.
For example, the stanza:
"I like to think of this tiny insignificant fact
On cold winter mornings
while I make my way to class,
Hands burrowed deep in the pockets of my jacket."
was descriptive in such a way that made the author think that they were experiencing it with you.
No criticisms whatsoever!
I look forward to reading more of your work!

- Erin

Great to learn something knew once in a while eh? I like how you used these facts to show the reader the amount of effort a photon goes through when no body really notices it.

I'm not a big fan of this type of poetry and especially of anything scientific like, but this was told in such a way it made me forget about the figures and statistics as if they were actual facts.

Somehow I felt some rhythm in this poem, I don't know if you intended this but it sure sounds great. Although I do think the word "insignificant" might have been a little overused throughout this.

This is just an opinion, but instead of focusing on the single photon, you could have rewrote the poem into actually making the reader feel that there are billions of others doing the same. Maybe it would turn out better.

Great work overall.
~Toe

This is a true beauty, I love how you compare the photon to the way humans progress in life and how you make the reader feel about what it reads in this poem. You see, you made me think that if stuff like just and insignificant little particle takes 30,000 years just to surface and take it's 8 minutes of glory to warm our cheeks I don't consider it insignificant, I believe it's magnificent, because it shows you the true meaning of the word selfless. And it makes me realize that time is really never wasted when what your doing, even though insignificant, is worth it.

Wow... I learnt something new! I think the answer to your musings is that it's the amazing interaction of the insignificant photon with the insignificant person that makes the moment and the day significant. The odds of that particular photon, waiting 30,000 years and 8 minutes to meet your cheek on that particular day is virtually nothing... and yet it happened.

It's a beautiful piece, very thoughtful. I think it highlights the wonders of existence.