The blades of grass, caressing my toes,
The butterfly's tongue tapping my nose;
The absence of work make it worthwhile,
Oh the simple pleasures of being a child.
Walking my path in this world of a maze,
Self-discovery at every curve on the way;
Yet so much still to be unveiled, to be seen,
Oh the wondrous freedoms of being a teen.
Fantasies over, construction has begun,
Building my future, yet the blueprint's not done;
Weaving through the calm and the tumult,
Oh the thrilling adventures of being an adult.
Traveling back to well-spent years,
I paid off with my blood, sweat and tears;
My husband's warm hand I now hold,
Oh the calming peace of being old.
Trials and tribulations, we overcame,
Persevering through both the sun and rain;
Our house and hearts filled with thanksgiving,
Oh the joys of just simply living!
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141,261 Literary Works • 674,331 Reviews
I really really really really like this poem =D
In the third line, I think you need to add an 's' after make...
Sorry if that ^ Wasn't clear....
or
Very nicely done, other than those two nit-picks ^_^ A very beautiful poem overall =)
Keep it up!!
~The Scratt
Shiney,
I'm glad I found this poem. It was a joy to read through, and honestly, quite refreshing to read about a positive outlook.
^-^ The lyrical quality of this piece and the focus on emotion, I would say it would have a better fit under lyrical - but you know these categories are never rigid, and there are definitely some dramatic elements.
Your opening line stanza was my absolute favorite. Brings a lot of nostalgia, because I remember being called green-toed for all the time I spent barefoot in the grass, haha. The execution of this was well thought out, I was left satisfied by the end. I thought the rhyme worked well overall with the piece, so great job on that.
"so much still" just seemed a bit awkward for me. This is only a minor suggestion. I wonder if changing "to be seen" to "unforeseen" would work better? Your call.
Haha, this is the stage I'm in now, so I can relate. You can tell be the stream of my suggestions that I'm not a big fan of the word "not" xD
Ok: so your meter here is noticeably off, whereas it flowed pretty smoothly up to this point. Part of the reason is the jump from 9 to 13 syllables, after a pretty tight construction of maintaining an 11-beat (nice!) When in doubt, count your syllables!
My suggestion here is to find a one-syllable replacement for "thrilling" (to cross it out completely will ruin the parallelism, I'm afraid) or find another replacement for "adventure" or both. It shouldn't be too difficult.
My only other critique to make this seem more poetic and less didactic is to revamp your stanzas with a focus on imagery. Your first line for example: I got a sense of touch, sight, sound of tapping, possibly event scent. I mean, it's a pretty strong image, I'm directly involved in the poem too. Remember how I told you I was recalling images of my childhood? This is what you want to provide for readers - an experience!
Your other stanzas drop this method and begin to be more didactic. So while the poem reads as clear as day, I no longer picture or experience it. It's like if you're writing fiction, you'd rather show your readers a scene then tell them what is happening, so this is the same concept!
Stanza 2: world, self-discovery, way
Stanza 3: fantasies, future, done
Stanza 4: well-spent
Stanza 5: trials, tribulations, hearts
^ I've pointed out all the abstractions/weak verbs in each stanza. These abstractions are just words used that have no sensory detail to them. I don't know what "self-discovery" looks, feels, sounds, smells like - so I cannot directly experience it. It is merely an idea, which isn't bad, but you don't want to fill your poems with too many of these.
That being said, I did like that fourth stanza about the warm hand; the blood, sweat, and tears as images of labour, those are all nice things and I'd like to see some more of that.
Now that I'm done with my nit-picks, I'd have to say, great job Shiney! ^-^ I'd love to read some more of your work.
~ as always, Audy
Heeyyyyy shiney! Dogs here, i really loved this poem! It is so smooth and i love the imagery, you are defnitely painting a strong image in my mind and it is just great, such a great poem lol!!!! I really enjoy how you show the trip of being young to old and in only a few stanzas?! NOW THATS IMPRESSIVE! I love the anylogies with the blue prints and construction i just basically love everything about this poem lols. Keep up the good work!
TuckEr EllsworTh
Shiney! This is a lovely, simple poem. I love that you wanted to sprinkle some happiness around here and it proves that you really love us :3
I like the flow and rhyme scheme of you little poem and it really did bring me happiness. I like how you went through the life of a person and concluded with the line:
because it reminds people that we should be thankful for the lives we have and not be complaining each day about the lives we wished we had.
Thank you for sharing this with us, and as I like to tell you: Shine on, Shiney one <3
Keep writing! Oh the joys of just simply
livingwriting! xDP.S: Sorry for the pathetic review.