Young Writers Society

Hey there! I'm here to do the review you requested.

So, I'm not quite sure what you want me to do with this. This sounds like an interesting character, and honestly I think it's a unique take on the usual god/goddess of love. I think you could easily write compelling stories about this character.

But just a description does very little without context and story around it. This is your character, and there are no "right" or "wrong" characters - only things and actions that don't work well with the story you're telling. So before worrying about whether or not you're writing this character "correctly," I'd do a couple of things.

First off, show us more of his personality. We know he's lonely, but how does he deal with that? Some people get angry and push people further away, others just shut down and withdraw, and still others become clingy and demanding. Does he push away his loneliness most of the time? What is he like when he's around other people? All these things can also help you create the story, because fleshed-out characters lend themselves well to conflict. And so, secondly, create the story for this character.

As for your description, I thought it was pretty good, but there's something I'd like to touch on:

The buttons on the coat were replaced with plastic eyes, the kind that you see on teddy bears. His body consisted of a whole variety of flowers, all crushed and pressed together. His arms were made of molten candy and his legs consisted of teddy bear filling. The most interesting part about that man was his head, a gigantic heart and in the place of eyes he had golden rings with the diamonds ripped out of them.

I've highlighted the major verbs of that one passage. Notice anything? Most of them are some variation of "is" or "is made of." These are boring, repetitive verbs and they suck the life from your prose. Restructure your sentences so your verbs carry emotion - using verbs with more emotional connotations does a lot to set the tone of the piece.

For example, "His body was woven from a whole variety of flowers" or "His molten-candy arms drooped at his sides" both give much stronger mental images and the second one even hints at his loneliness. A good rule of thumb is to try to write with nouns and verbs, and minimize your adjectives and adverbs - see this excellent article for more information: Verbs Are The New Adjectives

And that's all I've got! Hopefully this was helpful, and thanks for requesting a review!

Hi there!

A gigantic, black, round chamber filled with mirrors.

Here's a bit wordy, and also a bit of a dull start to the story. Your main issue here is poor imagery I feel like, which you did end up continuing below, but sense you decided to separate this into its own line, do try and give it more pizazz.

In the middle of the chamber is a pile of various objects. Teddy bears with their heads ripped off, crumpled postcards with the words “I love you” written on the front, ripped tickets to the cinema or an concert. The stuff you give to your loved one for St. Valentine’s day. All this stuff is long gone, thrown away into a trash bin by their owners.

Boop! I'm confused. There's a little imagery from what I can see, but I feel like too little since you're going through the motions so quickly. Give it some time and care, separate it into more individual sentences with further description to get rid of the out-of-breathness you get after reading a run-on sentence like this.

Atop this pile of rubble is a chair, constructed from pieces of various boats. etc.

I'm not sure what the boats have to do with the story, and how could you tell that it was made of boats? Wouldn't it just be random pieces of wood, and perhaps you wouldn't think much of it? Or [i]maybe[i] it had a sign that read, "constructed from various boats." Basically, some more clarity and relation would be appreciated.

A man was sitting in that chair. He was dressed in a black coat, all ripped and torn and full of stitches. The buttons on the coat were replaced with plastic eyes, the kind that you see on teddy bears. His body consisted of a whole variety of flowers, all crushed and pressed together. etc.

So this is a bit random. The rest of the story from here to the end seems to be about this man, but it's so random. First we were talking about mirrors and rubble and valentines, but now some guy who sat upon a boatwood chair. And that's confusing. So once again: clarity, relation, more build-up.

The man was lonely, since he has donated his love to the world. For he was the Love God.

I KNEW IT! I KNEW IT WAS JESUS, I JUST KNEW IT!
Or is it Jesus? Honestly, the last bit here is again random and it isn't making much sense.
Hope this helped
-amelie.