z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Mister Reize

by shima


Another chamber. This time, it was like a picture of mountains or woods. A humongous forest, full of trees of all shapes and sizes, those that you would normally not find together in the wild. Palm trees, oaks, magnolias, sequoias of ages past reaching into the gray sky. Peaceful, clear blue streams running through the dense forest carpet, mushrooms and ferns edging both sides of it. The river flows through the forests, the hills and the valleys. The landscape then changes into some ancient city. You don’t recognize the structure and the style of the buildings, but they feel so familiar, like you have seen them a thousand times before on pictures and in real-life. The architecture is a combination of styles, mixed and matched into a strange hotchpotch of empires and kingdoms. You see buildings that appear to be Roman but look distinctly modern when looked at from the other side. Mesopotamian temples full of color, simple, yet elegant, meeting with the dark and gloomy creations of stone and glass build to celebrate God on the funds of the Catholic Church. A Muslim mosaic on the floor of a Synagogue. Le Corbusier finishing a building started by Gaudi. The rebellious nature of Hundertwasser bursting through the cold and monotone buildings of Germania. Indian and Aztec pyramids colliding, crashing together. Roman aqueducts carrying Victorian steam-trains, stopping at the pantheon of Athens and at the Big Ben. A horse drawn Tesla car. Boeing's 767 made with the same materials as the first biplanes. Dozens, if not hundreds of time periods dancing in a impossible ballet, creating artworks never to be seen by the human eye. If you walk long enough through this improbable city you will notice something. A shadow on the run from something, unseen. A watchful gaze monitoring your every move, your every step. You never see him in person, but you know he is there always. Taking pictures of the buildings, the creations designed with his mind. He looks very familiar but also very alien. His skin is marble, his eyes are of an undefined color. His hair is green like the forest he resides in. He is muscular, probably from carrying the gigantic backpack full of clothes, washing amenities and bottles. A sleeping bag is bound to his backpack. His chest is crossed with two belts, one for his computer bag and one for his camera. The pockets of his long green jacket that combines both Victorian, Edwardian and modern influences are deeper than the sea and filled with souvenirs and memorabilia from every single country in the world. He has tattoos running along his arms, graffiti you see on the side of a train. The drawing on his back is of a world map, shifting and changing from era to era. His pants are both formal and informal, retro and modern, new and old. You would see them on a Victorian explorer as well on a picture of your friend who has just returned from Egypt. He can tell you stories beyond your imagination, that you even cannot see in your wildest dreams. He has been everywhere, seen everything and combined it all in his kingdom of wonder and magic. He is the lord of travel, the keeper of tourists. He is tired and weary, for he has been everywhere and has nothing left to discover.

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1085 Reviews

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Fri Feb 17, 2017 8:26 am
Mea wrote a review...



Hey there! I remember reviewing one of these before, so I thought I'd take a look at this one too.

Honestly, I really liked this one. Adding the second person really helps engage the reader and make them emotionally invested. It also allows for more movement in the story, especially as we walk through the chamber.

Most of what I said in the last review still applies here - the paragraph needs to be split up into a lot more paragraphs for readability, and you still have a lot of "to be" verbs that could easily be spiced up to create a more powerful impact.

What I love is the blatant contradiction of this travel god and his chamber, with stuff from all over the world and all different time periods, all jumbled together since he's an explorer. An "improbable" chamber indeed. It creates a really fascinating image.

I think there are a few things you could do here to help set the tone better and improve readability. First, you have a ton of details here, and that's great. I particularly loved the description of what the god is wearing, and the way his clothes shift and seem to mimic everything at once.

What's harder to picture is your description of the architecture. I understand it's supposed to be a jumble, but it honestly feels a lot more like a sequence of images flashing by rather than one bizarre landscape. Probably part of it is your reliance on the names of the styles, when the reader may not be familiar with all the styles (I certainly don't know who Hundertwasser is). Another thing that may help is to let the reader linger on one or two of the buildings to get an idea for how they meld together, or include more sensory details as the reader "walks" through this place. For example, "If you pause and brush your hand along one, it will feel like steel and brick combined" or something like that.

I also have to say I love the last sentence. It immediately sets up a conflict for the character and is very gripping. And it fits, too - as the god of travel, of course he's been everywhere. I'm honestly really interested to read about this character already.

And that's all I've got!




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Wed Feb 01, 2017 11:51 pm
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rosette wrote a review...



Hello, Shima! I'm going to jump right in, reviewing this thing...

Wait. Never mind. First, let me say what I liked. The beginning and ending sentences totally and completely entranced me. Like, "WOAH CAN I GO THERE?!" Sequoias of ages past and dense forest carpet and peaceful blue streams . Paradise, that's what I'm talking 'bout.
Favorite sentence: "He is tired and weary, for he has been everywhere and has nothing left to discover. " Why do I love this? I have no idea. Its just so...satisfying. Congratulations on writing such a strangely beautiful statement. But now, moving on...

First Impressions

As soon as I came to this page, the first thing that struck me was how everything is crammed together into one paragraph. It took me longer than it should have to read and I'd suggest splitting it up into little paragraphs, statements and such. That should make it much more enjoyable for the reader.
Your first sentence is: "Another chamber." Am I right in assuming there is another chapter before it?? Well, I didn't read it, but maybe if I had this would make much more sense. Right now, I'm confused. There's a chamber (but where?) and you're describing it (why?).

Confusing...?

Mesopotamian temples full of color, simple, yet elegant, meeting with the dark and gloomy creations of stone and glass build to celebrate God on the funds of the Catholic Church.


This was a very bewildering sentence. I have a feeling... build is supposed to be some other word like built or building . But even those two don't fit the context so please - HELP! How are temples meeting with creations??!! (Also, I'm a-thinking there should be some other punctuation mark after color like a semi-colon or whatever).

Now, mid-way or so through this story you say:

You never see him in person, but you know he is there always.


Okay. There is a mysterious man. (P.S. I'd suggest switching up there and always as in: "you know he is always there.")

He looks very familiar but also very alien.


Once more, Me = confused. I thought we (the readers) were not to know what he looks like. You wrote this story in second-person, and as YOU say, we "never see him in person".
Yet, you then commence on, describing Mystery Man and suddenly he "looks familiar" .
Do you see my problem with this??

Fixer-Uppers

*referring to the pants*

You would see them on a Victorian explorer as well on a picture of your friend who has just returned from Egypt.


Now, I see what you're implying here but I couldn't' help but kind of giggle when I read this. (((NO OFFENSE))). Its just the thought that we would see these pants on a Victorian explorer as well as on a picture ?! I know. I'm terrible.
Excuse me.
Anyhoo, I think this sentence could be adjusted and fixed up so the reader is not left with an image of a pant-wearing picture. (Also, "as well on a..." should be "as well as on a...").

A shadow on the run from something, unseen.


Honestly, when I first read this I ejected the comma there and read it like a shadow was on the run from something unseen. Because of that I'd suggest removing unseen from the ending and putting it near the beginning as in: "An unseen shadow on the run..."

Overall

I found this interesting and very, VERY descriptive but well, confusing. I have no idea what is going on. You're describing a world, past worlds actually, but for what reason I have no idea. We're in a chamber, watching history play before our eyes and...yep, that's all I know. Besides the Mystery Man, of course. At least I know what he looks like, heehee.
Also: you say this is fantasy but I found some references to the modern world. A "Tesla" was mentioned though it was horse-drawn. (?)

That is the summary of all I have to say and adios, shima!
Thanks for letting me talk.
-TheKid

Spoiler! :
Random notice of mine but HEY, we joined the YWS around the same time! Well, sort of. Okay, not really. But anyway- Cheers! And welcome, though this is a little late... *grinds teeth*




shima says...


Okay, I do agree with most of your statements. About the other room part - it is supposed to be multiple rooms with various gods inhabiting them. I have described two, that of the God of Love and that of the God of Travel. Probably gonna be more later on.



rosette says...


Alright, I see. Thank you! :)




The blood jet is poetry and there is no stopping it.
— Sylvia Plath