Tearing the waves of unsought prattle,
A quivering heart intruded the silence
of my blaring nomadic thoughts.
Piercing the smoulder of grooving philanders,
A whimsical smile swathed with intention
Crumbled my ceaseless restrain.
The nagging desires danced fanatically
On the pyre of my conquered will
Slaying the sane who dwelled in me
Arousing the Juliet sleeping sedately
Somewhere in the realms of my fantasy.
Trysts with dreams were lost amidst the saga
Night tides now enchanted by the melody of an odist
Fantasy and fable knelt down against my faith
Unaware a soul drinks the elixir of despair
The heart so naive embraces the grief
Eclipsing the pearls cascading down the lips
Warrior heart dances to the triumph of fate
Fortifying the faith that remained unquelled
Like a phoenix the heart revives
From the ashes of distress and moonless nights
Even the nature changes it tide
Drifting along my faith, I feel so Alive.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,013 Literary Works • 672,842 Reviews
no no no no no no! no, i am sorry, but no! you cannot just use every big, romantic sounding word you know and try to call it poetry!
i will start again.
so poetry is meant to go beyond simple prose, to bring light to the world in ways you might not normally have seen it, and to use words in new ways, to build tones through words, etc.
but beneath all of this there needs to be a solid skeleton. there needs to be something that, when i strip away the decorations and unpopular paths that poetry adds, a narrative of an event, a moment, or a feeling.
i do not see a skeleton in this. i can't follow it at all.
try this:
pick one.
just one of the words that you loved so much to stuff them all in here.
and once you've chosen that word, name as many related words as possible.
for example, were you to pick something like candlestick,
post white and vanilla and doily and flame and spark and smoke and sulfur.
and everything else, even things like prim, slender, stretch, melt, hold.
build your poem around that tone, or around a person in a moment with that tone, or about an event that lives and finds life through that tone and those words.
you don't have to tell a story. you're writing poetry, so you can just change someone's world by describing a frozen moment or even just evoking an emotion, but you cannot change someone's world by making a list of long words, okay?
please, please PLEASE post on my wall as soon as you've submitted another work, as i'd like to see you grow, and let me know if you have any questions.
work hard.
keep writing.
good luck.
I like it, but...
To me, it doesn't flow well. I don't know it may just be the way I read it, but it just doesn't seem to have that rhythm you want. Have you tried using a rhyme scheme as well? Sometimes it helps. I understand if you don't want it to rhyme. That's your opinion, but try to make it flow a little more.
Otherwise I like the story behind it. I thought that part was great.
Hey craz33me thank you for the review....I ll works on the points.
I would review this but I can't stand the over-sized spaces. Please fix.
ohh my bad!!!there you go...noninjaspresent.