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The Lazy Cheetah

by shieldmaiden


Cheetah

A King of Beast lays

On ruined temple wall

As tree above sways

Thinking nothing at all

Yet his eyes pierce so bright

Intelligent and beaming

A frightening flame of the night

That sets lost souls screaming

What are those flashing orbs gazing at?

A toothy grin sneaks by

A cub bumped and, on her brother, sat

Below the deep blue sky


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229 Reviews


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Sun Jun 30, 2019 12:53 am
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Horisun wrote a review...



Hey, this is the second Cat poem I've read in a row!

Really good poem! I love how you describe the Cheetahs eyes as "Flashing Orbs" There isn't much to really point out, as this poem is really great! The only small, itty bitty little detail I'd like to point out is that "Below the deep blue sky" sounds a little cliché. It might just be my opinion, but I'd thought I'd point that out anyway.

Other than that, this poem flows nicely, and your word choice is amazing! I hope you have an excellent day or night! :D




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Fri Jun 21, 2019 7:19 pm
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FabihaNeera wrote a review...



Hello,

I love this poem! It's short yet it's really nicely written. Your rhymes make the lines and ideas flow so smoothly... and it overall just flows really well together because of the length of each line. I liked the imagery used here too... I could really picture the eyes. If this is your first poem here, it's really good!

There are only a few small errors that I saw that made reading through this a little awkward...

On ruined temple wall

You can change this to "On a ruined temple wall".

As tree above sways

Again, "As a tree above sways".

Yet his eyes pierce so bright

In this line, I don't think you need the "yet" here because it's not really being compared to anything before it (that probably doesn't make sense but the word just doesn't seem right being there lol).

That's really all I saw... but if this hasn't been said yet, I would suggest using more punctuation. Maybe using periods and more commas to add pause while reading for more effect.

Anyway, that's all from me. Overall, this is a really nicely written poem and I hope to read more from you!

Keep Writing :)




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Thu Jun 20, 2019 1:04 pm
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zaminami wrote a review...



Hello shieldmaiden! I'm a little rusty on reviewing, but I'm going to work on it! I am a little blunt, I apologize, but keep in mind that you don't have to take any of my advice.

A King of Beast lays


This first line is a bit awkward. What it's implying is that the Cheetah is one king amongst others (meaning there's several other kings that aren't touched on) of a singular beast. If this isn't intentional, I recommend changing it to "A King of the Beasts" or "The King of the Beasts". If you change "Beast" to a plural, however, you should change "lays" as well (if you don't change it, you're perfectly find). Also - and I might be wrong here - but aren't lions the kings of beasts?

Edit: Oh, I see now. You're trying to keep a rhyme scheme. I'll help you with that in the third section.

On ruined temple wall


This is also awkward. Put an "a" or "the" in front of "on" or make "wall" plural.

As tree above sways


You should also add the word "the" in front of "as".

To keep the rhyme scheme, I would pluralize "tree" and un-pluralize the word "sways". That is, if you change the first line like I suggested. If you didn't, then ignore this.

That sets lost souls screaming


I think the word that you're looking for is "sends", not "sets". Of course, "sets" works too, but I think that "sends" flows a little better. This is just me nitpicking, if I'm being honest.

A cub bumped and, on her brother, sat


I don't understand this line whatsoever. What does it mean? What does the cub bump and what is sat on her brother? The wording is confusing.

--


I do love the idea, and your rhyme scheme is absolutely flawless. I understand that it seems like a lot that I went over, but other than the one confusing line and some grammar issues, this is a fantastic poem - especially for your first one on YWS. Our of curiousity, is this your first poem ever?

--


I'm going to show you a little trick when it comes to stanzas. I didn't comment on how you don't have them because YWS formatting is weird, and I almost guarentee that it's not your fault.

If you are at the end of a line but it's still in a stanza, then do SHIFT-ENTER. If you're at the end of a stanza and you want to start a new one, then just do ENTER. Does that make sense? If you're on mobile, it doesn't work, unfortunately, but it does on a keyboard!

--


Don't be discouraged. The only way that you get better with writing is if you keep doing it and if you get help from others, like reviewing on YWS! :) Keep on poeting!

Auf Wiedersehen!

- zami




shieldmaiden says...


Hey Zami! Thanks for the tips. This is only the second poem I've written all my life. The first is in my book, but I haven't posted that chapter yet and it comes waaay later. My deepest thanks for how to write stanzas correctly. I truly didn't know how to do them, so what you see is exactly what I wrote. But know I've learned something new and I can't wait to put it into practice. Thanks again! :)



zaminami says...


yeah! no problem!



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Thu Jun 20, 2019 9:00 am
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Dossereana wrote a review...



Hi @shieldmaiden just here to do a quick review on your work here. So lets get right into it.

So I understand that this is your first Poem that you have written, I think it is pretty good for a first start.

As tree above sways


okay so I feel like this needs an a some were, and I think sways should be different. So I will put this down in suggestions and then I will put the changes in bold so you can see.

Suggestions

As a tree above swayed

I really liked reading this poem, I feel like it was great, one thing though this was for the challenge and I just can say that it is a leopard not a cheetah but that is not a big thing to worry about.
one big thing though I feel like your not describing the image like it is, I can say you are addressing the fact of how powerful it is really well. But your not really going in to anything else I feel like your ading. Like the bit one you mentioned the cub in it. if you look at the photo there is no cub and it is just ling in a very murky place.
so here is the photo so you can take another look at it again.
Image

So that is all that I can say. I hope I was not being to mean to you or anything, if so I am really, really sorry will you pleas forgive me. So keep up the great poem writing, I think you are really good at it, just I do not think you did this poem like it was the image.

I hope you have a great day/night

@Dossereana Out In The Sky Of Reviews




shieldmaiden says...


Hey Dossereana! Thanks for the review and the tips on how to make it better. I let my imagination go wild for this poem and didn't keep to the picture. For example, as I was writing I wondered what kind of rock the leopard was lying on. Then I thought how cool it would be if it wasn't a rock at all but the leopard was resting on a pile of rubble from a lost ancient temple. Then I wondered what the big cat was looking at. It doesn't show in the picture, so I felt free to imagine that since the cat looks so peaceful that it could be watching some cubs frolicking among the temple's walls. Don't worry about hurting my feelings and thanks for the encouragement. No need to apologize. :)



Dossereana says...


Thanks for explaning all this, and also I am happy to here that you liked the review. :)



Dossereana says...


Thanks for explaning all this, and also I am happy to here that you liked the review. :)




It always seems impossible until it's done.
— Nelson Mandela