Published February 1, 2008
Your blood is my drink,
Your eyes are my future,
Your body is my fortresse,
And your mind is my soul.
I give you my speech,
And take away your sorrow,
I cut through you breath,
And give you all light.
Our hearts beat in tandem,
Our minds think a like,
And at last...
We live in all darkness.
The path of life,
Is sewn from cloth,
And fearful scissors,
Snip through its bindings.
If God were real,
He'd save our souls from the devils grasp,
Give us new life,
And steal all our fear.
From the knowledge I have,
I could tell you this moment,
We live, then we die,
But together we can conquer both,
And live in harmony until the end of the world.
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140,919 Literary Works • 673,736 Reviews
hello there cat
i just wanna say that i really enjoyed reading your poem....it just had a certain spark to it that i just can't explain.....it's so romatic slasher filmy ^^.....continue the good work ^^
Thanks for the reviews I guess.
Catch yah later!
shanan-cat out!
Sorry, cat, but I didn't like this one too much. The problem was its dull repetition, I guess. I mean, the first three lines are so much alike that they kind of repelled me away rather than draw me in. Plus, disturbing isn't always the way to go.
Hope I helped! PM me if you need any help!
Thanks for the reviews guys!
*going to edit it and then post again*
shanan-cat!
Hey, Phebe! What's up?
Very nice. The flow was excellent on this. It was very well done! I really liked the last line.
"Our minds THINK ALIKE" just some errors. there.
Very cleverly written! You are a fantastic poet! I love how you compared life to sewing!
So, awesome poem! I'm going to go and read what else you've written!
BBB
I liked it...it was amaxing ..like a romantic slasher film. It sounds like to me that the narrator is in love with the person's blood or body rather then the person. It s like their vampires and that because theres blood but because the narrator is speaking to me.Its great!!!
Alright Phebe this was an improvement but there is always room to even better improve it.
Quote:
Your blood is my drink;
Your eyes are my future;
Your body is my fortresse;
And your mind is my soul.
You already know that I absolutely love this stanza.
Quote:
I give you my speech;
And take away your sorrow;
I cut through your breath;
And give you all light. I don't understand this line.
Quote:
Our hearts beat in tandem;
Our minds thin a like; Our minds thin a like??? Explain Please.
And at last...
We live in all darkness.
Quote:
From the knowledge I have;
I could tell you this moment;
We then live, then we die;
But together we can conquer both;
And live in harmony until the end of the world.
'We live, then we die' I took away the then.
And that's it. That was overall very good.
If you have an question PM me. Also, if you wold like me to critic anything else, let me know.
-BroadwayGirl
Thanks for all the replies guys and I will use your advice in a most respected way.
shanan-cat
[quote="tania"]Your blood is my drink;
Your eyes are my future;
Your body is my fortresse;
And your mind is my soul.[/quote]
I like it somewhat not to be offensive it could be better.
You should be more descriptive in your poem like when it says," your eyes are my future" you should explain why they are the future kind of thing. Do you get what i am saying here? If you take my ideas you will become a better writer. GL Gothgirl01
Hi Tania--
Welcome to YWS! Please take a moment to look over the Rules & Guides. We do ask that you make two reviews for everyone one piece of your own you post and that the ratio stays 2:1. Thanks!
Now onto the poem...
It is, indeed, rather cliche. But sometimes cliches work. However, it really doesn't here because there is nothing besides the cliche for the reader to focus on. There isn't really a point to it? Why should we care what this person is to the narrator? It has to have a little bit more info than what is currently in it for it to be affective.
Good luck and Happy Editing!
***MOVED TO OTHER POETRY***
Hey tania!
This is an interesting start to a poem, but there are some issues:
- Clichés: It's become very un-original to write about depending on someone to live, methinks. Like twilight (the books). You should start on a more original subject; or you could reverse it - write about how someone needs you instead of needing someone else. Actually, I like that idea! I know - I'll make it a poem in my book! *dances around happily*
- Length: This is way too short! I can see this being a stanza in a poem, but on it's own, it doesn't do anything for the reader. I don't really feel anything as I read it. But for some reason, I see this in the front pages of a novel, as a quote for inspiration. I dunno why...
Anyways. Overall, this is okay - a bit too short, but for some reason, I find myself liking it. You should make it longer and add more emotion to it. I feel like you wrote it more for you than for the reader.
Cheers,
Camille xx
Hey Phebe
I know that this isn't a helpful critic because you already know that I love it as you already showed it to me to at school, so I just want to comment on it and say that I know who this is about. And that I still LOVE it. It has an interesting spark to it that is truly amazing.
Anyways Happy Criticing or Posting
-BroadwayGirl