Published August 10, 2011
Memories and Death
He eyed the photograph from the stool he stood on and picked it up. Though worn out from time and covered in dust, the image still held something important.
“Mom, Dad!” he cried out. His father embraced his head and pulled him close.
“Don’t worry, they’re not real.”
“I don’t like mummies or this place.”
“I told you, honey, we should‘ve taken him to the aquarium!”
“I guess you were right,” he peaked from around his father’s leg.
“Is it over yet?” he questioned, his voice cracking from fear.
“Almost. We’ll grab some ice cream on the way home. How does that sound?”
“Let’s take a picture first. To remember today's adventure.”
The picture fluttered to the ground. They were just memories. No one could change the past or revive the dead. He tightened the noose around his neck and jumped.
One person's pain is another's death
How fragile life was. It had happened in a matter of seconds. The knife had impaled his mother’s stomach and then his father’s throat. One moment they were here in his life and in the next they weren’t.
He left the police cruiser, dazed by the amount of questions they had asked him. Did you see his face? How tall was he? Were there any features you can remember? He shook his head; none of the questions would change the fact that his parents were dead. He entered his house, ignoring the glass shards, and walked into his parents’ bedroom. Pictures of their past memories together lined every wall. Tears began to drip down his cheeks. He opened a drawer in the corner. There lay the item his father had tried to reach. He took out the cold, metallic item and placed it in his mouth.
He pulled the trigger.
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138,374 Literary Works • 672,110 Reviews
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This looks great!
Thanks for the comments guys. I tried to incorporate them into a new story. Let me know what you think.
Hi there! I'm here to review as requested!
I enjoyed this, but it left me with a lot of questions. To me, instead of being a 150 word story, this was the ending of another story. Sure, you developed your plot and defined the conflict, there wasn't much to it. Maybe you could start with the thought of suicide and then get into his head. Have him debating suicide or looking back on the murder. As a 150-word story, you really don't have the space to go into details.
I hope this helps! Good luck!
I think you did a really good job with this piece, considering how few words you were limited to
Even with such a short piece you managed to give it a strong emotion and mood. I really liked it! I also really like you title and it is what drew me in. However, after reading this it doesn't really seem to fit with the story... but that is only my opinion.
As for your questions..
1. The story seemed pretty clear to me and was easy to understand. I'm assuming it was just a murder, perhaps it started out as a burglary and then the parents woke up so the burglar killed them both.
2. Yes I think it seemed reasonable for him to kill himself.
3. The bond seemed to be pretty strong considering he killed himself. It seemed like he had a close and loving family.
4. I usually think that giving the character a name makes them seem more real, making it easier for the reader to connect to them, however in this situation it was actually fine. Even in this short piece, I was able to connect to "him" just fine. I think either way should be good(:
5. Yes, it seemed like there was. There was broken glass and the boy said that his dad had struggled to get the gun.
Overall, I enjoyed this piece and think you are a talented writer. Good luck in the contest
I thought this looked interesting, so I read through it, and I think I have some comments for you to consider.
As this is a 150 word contest, you are extremely restricted. You don't have the space to really develop any characters, or strengthen any emotion; at least via the road that you're taking. You must keep in mind, shadowraiki, that nothing can be achieved if one is simply telling a story. If this were to be expanded on, if we really got to know the characters and their sentimental connections, this would work. As it stands, however, there is some work to be done.
You see, there's an art to shorter stories like these. If you want to develop any emotional atmosphere, then the "show, don't tell" rule is priceless if taken into consideration. I find that memories work especially well, because then the reader can claim at least partially to know who, exactly, the parents were in life.
Hope this helped. Keep on writing.
-Kafka
Okay so this was obviously sad! Yet... I found that the ending was a happy one even though it ended with death, simply because I liked the thought of the son uniting with his parents.
Eh, you're questions...
- Well, I read it as if it was a burgelery with the broken glass and all but it could have been anything actually.
- As for him to kill himself, as I said.. Sad thing, but still reasonable, yes!
- Well the bonds must've been pretty strong for him to kill himself to be with them, or for the fact that he couldn't be with them. Anyhows, yes - I thought so.
- No, No names!
- Yes, there was a struggle, you said his father reached for a gun, that must mean he didn't let death come to him with open arms exactely
Overall - This was an interesting read, sad but good!
I'll reward you with 4/5 icky spiders!
Good Luck & Keep Writing
// Demoness
I'm getting to really like this contest - it's an interesting experiment for a short story and whilst challenging, helps you to learn techniques that will grasp the reader's attention.
This almost reminds me of a prologue in the way it is written and is quite different from the other entries I've seen. No grammer errors as such, and a good piece of writing.
Good luck in the contest!