So, this is the first thing I've pretty much ever put up on here that I've written. I know I really can't write but I figured what the hell. So basically just to fill you in, this is a story of a boy and girl and the paragraphs jump around from one to the other (each paragraph is a new person...boy, then girl, then boy again, then girl again...ect.). OK here it is....
Six months. Six damn months we’ve been together. Why? So I can hold her hand and say I love her? Well, I don't. That's right; this whole relationship was an experiment for me. Yes, she's beautiful, nice, caring, and funny. But now, I want out.
Six months. Six wonderful months we’ve been together. I wonder what he'll do for me tonight. Maybe, he'll take me to our favorite restaurant, or maybe we'll just go for a long romantic walk. Whatever happens I know tonight is going to be special. He loves me. You know?
Oh man, how do I do this? I've never done anything like this before. She'll be so heart broken. The tears will never end. No, think positively maybe we can still be friends. Forget it that never happens. Shit. That's it; I'm going over there right now. I can't put this off any longer.
Oh boy! Here he comes. I watch him walk up the front steps, there's something mysterious in his eyes. He bursts in and all at once takes me by the waist. Now, he's kissing me and caressing me, saying he'll never let go. I give in to temptation. Tonight will be a night to remember.
What am I doing here? Well, it's too late now; I'm half way up the steps. The door is cracked so I quickly let myself in. What the fuck is going on here? There she is, lying on the couch, and some other man is on top of her. They are kissing and then she looks up. She is in utter shock.
What the hell? Why is he here? There is an awkward silence and finally I break it. "Stupid boy, did you really think you could have given me everything I ever needed?" He is mad. But it's OK, now he knows how I feel.
How could she do this to me? She's right though, I never could give her anything because I never loved her. Then why is it I'm so mad now? The other guy is giving me looks I don't like. Wow, she hit the jackpot there! I mean this guy is GQ material. Not that I would know. OK, I'm over this.
How long is he going to stand there? Is he checking my man out? What the hell is this. We look at each other for a while and finally he leaves. Is it that easy? Well OK then, back to the things that fulfill me. I turn back to my lover, what a night.
That has to be the easiest break up ever. I mean how perfect can it get, she was cheating on me? Wait? Why was she cheating on me? Oh no, something is wrong, something is very wrong. I'm too sexy to have someone cheat on me. Maybe it's how I talk, or how I walk, or what I wear. Either way, this has to be resolved quickly! For I am a man, and it is time for a new experiment.
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125,009 Literary Works • 672,837 Reviews
it was confusing at some parts because I had to figure out who was thinking. But other than that, I really like this. It was almost funny, in a way. Well done!
ps. and I don't think you suck at writing, you're very good. Keep going at it.
Really good and fun to read. I love love love your plot twist, but it was pretty confusing to read, even after reading the explanation. You could make all the paragraphs from the girl's point of veiw in italics and the boy's in regular, or vice- versa, but then readers wouldn't have to think so hard and it would be easier to get swept into the story.
Anywho, I'd love too see anything else ou write. And sererenityinthesky, a little less drama in a story = a little less fun in a stry. Just thought I ought to say that...
WOW. This was an amazing read! It had good characters, and a good plot twist. I thought the woman was thinking about the man who was going to break up with her. When it turned out that the man she was talking about was the other guy, it was cool in a turn-your-world-upside-down kind of way.
A recap; Amazing read, good plot elements, and can't wait to hear more!
Wow! I love how you did this! It made me want to laugh. My favorite thing about it is the suprise ending, I also love how they both actually want to break up, and when they do, the boy feels a little chagrine.
That is good! You said that you knew that you couldn't write at the beginning, but that is either being modest, or you have no self belief. Self belief is the one thing that every writer must have, otherwise they'll think every story is rubbish, even the ones that have real potention!
RR*
hummm...yes, indeed it does.
I agree a little less drama would be good for everyone, including fictional characters!
I'll see what I can come up with.
Hehehe, this was a fun read! Mind you, I would have been completely confused if I hadn't read the first paragraph that includes your explanation, but it was still fun! In a twisted, demented way, of course.
One thing I loved were the different voices. I thought that perhaps the voices would be nearly the same. I've read girls trying to write for guys and guys trying to write for girls and usually what happens is they end up getting confused and you can tell. This piece here in particular would have been so easy to mess up! But you didn't! So each voice has their own distinct voice... and that's pretty awesome!
One thing that was a little surprising was the mood shifts of the piece. The first couple of paragraphs were funny and I laughed out loud because of the sheer ridiculousness of the situation. Then came the other guy, and it quickly turned very confusing. Which is probably not quite the best thing, lol. Or maybe it is? It wasn't what I expected, in any case. So, in the end, it became very morbid with the hinted suicide and everything. So it's not quite a farce and not quite a drama, so it goes everywhere. It's just a little weird. I would probably edit it to either be one or the other, and not be both.
Hope that helps!