Like A Paper

Hi serendipitous! Mage here to review your work! So let's get to it, shall we?

I really loved the meaning of this poem; I love how it teaches the reader that you shouldn't underestimate someone just because they seem weak or fragile. I have a couple of grammar nitpicks and, like Kaos before me, I think the flow is messy.

Here's the specific parts you need to fix!

Papers are non dangerous,

Throughout the piece you use "non dangerous". It should either be "not dangerous" or "non-dangerous". Use whichever one you like the best. Both will solve the problem. ^-^

She left her foe with a hurt,
like a paper gives you a papercut.

There shouldn't be an "a" before "hurt". That leaves it with odd wording instead; it's up to you to figure out what works the best to convey your message. Also, this has to be my favorite part of your poem!

Those two things and what I mentioned earlier are the only things that jumped out at me. It's a great idea for a poem, and it has a relatable message.

Keep up the great work - which I doubt you'll have trouble with - and good luck on your writing endeavors! Have a great day/night!

This is Kaos here for a review!

My main problem with the poem is that it's worded so awkwardly and the flow is messy. It just feels really unorganized as a whole and could use some polish. I'll point this out stanza by stanza to help more.

Papers are lightweight,

and they fly far far away in perfect storms,

because nothing is holding onto them.

Papers are non dangerous,

they are torn down with no effort.

In the first line, it'll pass, but maybe you could change it to: "Lightweight papers *insert rest of line*. The rest of the whole stanza is awkward with the wording. It also just feels like you're stating sort of obvious facts or things. Instead of telling us just that the paper is lightweight, tell the reader how it's lightweight. Does it slam on the floor like a brick?

The third line in the stanza could be cut, or if you did some reworking or replacing it would flow better. "Non dangerous" really kills the fourth line and carries onto the fifth line. The stanza feels weak but if you rewrote it and read it aloud several times to see that it sounds. It's a beneficial way to make sure that your poetry flows.

I knew a girl, just like a paper.

Lightweight, she didn't handle perfect storms well.

she lost her directions, whirling round in circles,

and fell onto the ground with a sound no one heard.

People tore her down, crumpling her into a tiny ball,

she succumbed, she was never that strong.

I really like the imagery used in this stanza. At the start or the first few lines it feels a bit repetitive of the first stanza, but if you switched that up a bit, this would be a strong stanza. There's a lot of commas where you could cut down on them and replace some with periods, and in the sixth line after "succumbed" a semicolon would work well there.

Last night I saw something different,

the girl like the paper, fragile and non dangerous ;

was screaming at the person standing in front of her.

It was not hard to guess things slipped out of her hands,

far too much.

Last night I saw something different,

before she would get torn again,

she spit out harsh words, her eyes bloodshot.

She left her foe with a hurt,

like a paper gives you a papercut.

Like I said in the last stanza, chop the lines up a bit. It's mostly fine here, though. The imagery degrades in this stanza and feels weaker. My suggestion is to take out a "she" here and there because it isn't really needed to be there if you switch the line a bit and it gets repetitive. My suggestion for the imagery is to broaden the vocabulary you use to write poetry. Say if you use words like "love" or "hate" or something of the sort. Look up stronger synonyms of the same word, and use those instead, here and there is good.

Those few drops of blood, on the enemy's finger,

found a way to eventually clot.

But the papercut, it stung like a blade,

with every move the enemy made.

Whether it was talking, hugging or playing,

no one saw it, but was constantly felt.

That cut hurt worst of all;

maybe because it was invisible,

and too insignificant to be even told about.

The first few lines of this rocked. Near the middle it took a dip but that would be fixed if you just read it out loud and checked for the flow. That's all I really have to say about the poem.

I hope this helped and have a great day!