love is like medicine
makes you feel better or worse,
in some case's love,
is more of a curse,
you trapped inside your own perfect hell,
no escape form the heartache once it ends,
go into the coma,
the loveless numb state,
and cut you're self up,
through heartache and pain.
you're blinded by the possibility,
from the promises they cant keep,
keep you're head up high,
don't cry,
go back to sleep...
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Thanks guys! I did happen to want It to be a clique love poem, so I gave the right Impression. Thanks for taking to time to review for me. ^^
Hi. I really liked this piece. It's so true!!! I made a few formatting changes.
Hope I helped.
#FF0000 ">Love is like medicine#FF0000 ">,
#FF0000 ">(it) makes you feel better or worse#FF0000 ">.
#FF0000 ">In some case#FF0000 ">s love
is more of a curse#FF0000 ">.
#FF0000 ">You#FF0000 ">'re trapped inside your own perfect hell,
(with)no escape form the heartache once it ends,
go into the coma,
the loveless numb state,
and cut you#FF0000 ">r self up
through heartache and pain.
#FF0000 ">You're blinded by the possibility,
from the promises they cant keep#FF0000 ">.
#FF0000 ">Keep you#FF0000 ">r head up high,
don't cry,
go back to sleep...
Thank you for the lovely poetry.
-Crescent
Hi Seana, and welcome to YWS!
This poem has potential; the word choice and imagery were excellent, but that seems overshadowed by bad grammar, a lack of proofreading, and an interesting premise which quickly turns into a cliche love poem.
1. PHRASING/GRAMMAR
A lot of your phrasing-the way you set up words and make them into sentences-seemed confusing. You've got a few words missing, and usually your words are misspelled. You've got commas where you don't need them and you don't have commas where you do, which all makes for things to be a lot more complicated then you probably originally intended for it to be. For instance, take the following sections from your poem:
You're missing a preposition here. How does "love is like a medicine" relate to the line I've just quoted? In this instance you would use the word 'that' in between the first and second lines. Try it out; it makes a lot more sense, doesn't it?
This isn't as much as a surprise or a 'twist' as I think you intended it to be, because in this case you're just repeating yourself. I'd take out the 'worse' in the second line so it makes a little more sense, following the pattern of, "Love is this medicine, it makes you feel better, but there are some cases where it makes you feel worse"-you see how that forms more of a direct story?
2. STORY
This is where things got a little iffy. You started this poem off with an interesting analogy, you never talk about it again. Love poems have been done for and there isn't anything quite unique or memorable about your poem. I think you laid fantastic groundwork, especially with the analogy of love being like medicine, so why don't you go into more detail on that?
-
Good luck and do PM me if you have any questions!
-Elinor
Hi there.
I really like this, and the imagery it creates. One thing though, on the 6th line, I think you meant 'from', not form. It's just a small spelling mistake and easily made at that, I just thought I might point it out... Now, on to the good stuff. I couldn't help but smile while reading this, even though it was a little sad. It has real feeling.
Thank you for the beautiful poem.
~Scarlett.