Farewell Reality

Hi there!

Thanks for requesting a review, and I hope this helps! Also, welcome to YWS! I hope you like it here.

There are a few topics I want to discuss here, besides to touch on the general feeling I have for this poem.

To start off, I want to talk about grammar. I find it interesting of the blend of styles in this. The “i”s are capitalized, but every line doesn’t start with a capital letter. On the other hand, two commas make an appearance while a lone exclamation mark remains with plenty of question marks. If there weren’t any commas at all, then I think this would flow a little better, but more on flow later. Here, I just want to point out that the exclamation point is probably the least needed. I’d rather see more of the speaker’s emotions to prove that they’re feeling strong, instead of “!” to blatantly point out what they’re thinking. Experiment with word uses to better convey that in a subtler way if editing sounds fun for, later on, I guess.

Up next is organization, which I’ll include the rhyme scheme and stanzas. Okay, so a lot of classic poets have rhyme schemes and like to mess with word structure to fill those requirements. Here, I think the continuous rhyming limits the vocabulary available to use in this poem. In addition, a few of these lines don’t really rhyme anyways, and personally, I think having full rhymes with slant rhymes is distracting to the reader. “Again/end” and “company/me” are not rhyming words, unfortunately. There’s a perfect opportunity to delve into free verse poetry and change those lines to something that can flow better than a previously restricting rhyme scheme.

One note on these stanzas - I like having some sort of structure, but some of these are really short, and I’d like to see a little change happening in this poem, especially if the theme talks about the person’s reality changing into something unreal!

Lastly, we come to the content. Honestly, I feel that some of these stanzas seem pretty repetitive, as the speaker is continually saying how they can’t “let it go” until the last few pieces when they accept the fact that they won’t forget about their past love. Because of this, I’d recommend either combining most of the first chunk of this poem or give more concrete ideas on how it’s impossible for the speaker to forget. Maybe something tangent, like a forgotten sweater they just can’t get rid of? Or having a pet that reminds them of that person every time they look at the animal? Those are just a few examples, but I’d love to see the speaker go more in-depth into this feeling of loss and missing someone this much.

The ending surprised me, but I do think it ties itself well with the title.

Overall, I think you have a decent narrative in this poem, but would like to see some different things going on to really make this your own!

I hope this helped!

- concord

Hi there @schediophilia I am here to do a review, okay lets get into it.

What I like about this poem.
my mind is playing tricks on me, I like this for it sounds real our Minds do play trikes on us sometimes.
I thought I saw your face, this I think is so true for you can all was mistake some won for a different person.
I thought I heard you call my name, I like this for we do mistake things sometimes.
I thought I felt your tender touch, we do feel things sometimes wen there not even there.

What I am not shore about with this poem.
next second gone, just like that, I am not so shore about this bit for seconds all was tick by.
not the slightest trace, I am a bit confused for this is not making sens, it needs more description to it.
I must be going crazy, I just think that this needs a bit of work, like maybe you should ad a bit more feeling into it and maybe a bit more words to.
but only silence greeted me, I don't think that you should say silence, for it is never really silent in this world, yous some thing like this maybe, but only the whispers of the leafs greeted me.
although goose bumps broke out on my skin, I find this a bit stanch, it dose not make sens.
why then are you haunting me? okay this is a bit ward, why would this other person be trying to haunt you? Okay so that is all I can say to you. so keep up on the good work.
@EagleFly out to seek and kill