An Underwater Savior

Hey, scasha!

This is super cool! I've never seen someone else do a story quite this way--it was interesting, and definitely timely. It's something I should direct certain people to. ^_~

GATHER 'ROUND, KIDDOS

When you're writing a story that's put in the story-telling style that you mentioned at the beginning, you have to make it as clear-cut and streamlined as possible. Granted, it's a lot different from writing normal read-through fiction, because you can't put as much emphasis on pretty words and have to put more emphasis on the ease of memorization and getting the plot/message across.

With that being said, I think you should cut some of the nitty-gritty science stuff. Why? It's one of those things that more befit a newspaper article, and not something that is read aloud orally or has that feel. Granted, it's pretty simple stuff--and I'm an uber nerd--but for the sake of making things flow/fit, you want to cut away as much extra stuff as you can. Instead, simplify even farther--"there wasn't enough air to breathe", etc.

THE MORAL OF THE STORY IS

One of the tricks of writing stories that are supposed to make you think in such a way is that they tend to get preachy. Of course, everyone needs a little talkin' to once in awhile, but the trick is to not make it overt--when you make it overt, people are bound to not listen. With a story like this, that's exactly what you don't want.

When you're working with such material, it's a good idea to try and stave off as many clichés as possible. Making your story memorable is another trick you can use to get people to shut up and listen. That why lines like your last are ones you might want to alter or take out--people often stop and think about things because they want to, not because they're told to. It's the former part of that that takes the most sneakiness on your part.

___

Thanks for the read, scasha! Feel free to PM me if you have any questions. I'd looove to answer them. ^_^

Hiya! I've pointed out sections I think need edited, although sometimes I can't offer an alternative.

scasha wrote:An Underwater Savior

At the beginning of time, when all things came alive on Earth, whichever way you believe, either by evolution, religion, both, or neither, sharks arose. - They were the protectors, the sacred guardians of the ocean floor and the entire world. They held all life in [s]a [/s]balance, keeping the world safe, healthy, and undisturbed for nearly 400 million years.

- First sentence needs to be a little clearer with less commas. Unfortunately this is one of those sections that I can't think how to re-word right now.

Being natural predators, they prevented the overpopulation of other species [s]from occurring [/s] that would have diminished the plankton, creating a decrease in oxygen in the atmosphere. 70% of all oxygen in the atmosphere comes from phytoplankton, which (?) also process carbon dioxide. Generally speaking, plankton is a mini-CO2 vacuum, similar to trees, taking in harmful green house gases.

They were gentle and kind creatures, only taking what they needed to survive and help the environment. Since the world is and was about 2/3s water, they were the kings of Earth. The balance of life was stable until humans with their sharp blades and fear of what they didn’t understand came into the world. [s]Their [/s]Movies like Jaws stereotyped sharks as man-eating, blood-thirsty beings that went out of their way to destroy anything, specifically mankind. This definition was the exact opposite of what they were. However, everyone fears what they don’t understand and soon sharks were the epitome of all that was evil.

- Would '2/3s' not be 'two thirds'? Then again, I'm terrible with remembering the rules for numbers in writing.

The sharks were even more afraid of the humans as their time as rulers and stabilizers of the world slowly came to an end. The world and the humans living in it began to revolve around money, and soon sharks and many other sacred species of the deep were seen as profit. Shark hunters began killing sharks for their prized fins, tearing away from them what would have been a human’s ear and leaving the rest of the body to bleed and die. Although the ocean is large, sharks had nowhere to hide from the profit-hungry barbarians. The humans’ nets and vicious hooks ensnared them and slowly they began to die off.

One by one, the millions of sharks that once patrolled the ocean and maintained the balance and existence of life slowly deteriorated. Humans began to take the sharks' place at the top of the food chain as predators, but they were unable to live up to the example set by their finned predecessors. Life began to die. In a world that was nearly fully made up of water, life became unsustainable in the oceans. Fishing had ravaged the depths, discarding and eliminating (both necessary?) hundreds and thousands of species of wildlife that was necessary to everyone’s survival.

Man saw their mistake too late. As the fish became literally non-existent due to aggressive and unmonitored fishing practices, the plankton began to die. As the smallest organisms of Earth passed on, the most valuable resource began to diminish. The very breath of the humans was taken and they were left with empty oceans and oxygen-less air. So came about the end of the world.

This is a message from the future. As the polar ice caps melt, the oceans rise. Will sharks again return to their sacred duty of protecting the planet? If they no longer exist, humans will not be able to do the job unless they sprout gills and begin eating raw fish. Start now, act now, before it’s too late.

If this story made you think please visit the website: http://www.savingsharks.com
We can all make a difference.