E - Everyone

Kingdom of Hope

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It was late 1996 and it was fall. Beautiful leaves falling everywhere as the wind blew them off. Calabria is such a beautiful place all year long. The place was filled with friendly ogres and only 1 special human. His name was Aiden Rodriguez, the only human that lived with the ogres. Aiden was found by ogres they thought he was abandoned by his parents. They were confused and had no idea what to do with the thing. Since Aiden was human the ogres thought that he was harmful and they planned on killing him at the moment. Luckily, before they killed him, a female ogre told them to stop and give the boy a chance " He's just a baby" said the female ogre. The male ogres didn't agree at first, but after all they thought that the kid could be helpful.

As Aiden got older they became nicer to him. Aiden was very happy to be with them and he didn't care if they weren't the same because all that mattered to him was love. There was a very special ogre named arg, he was the nicest and most caring with Aiden. Aiden felt the same about Arg he felt safer and comfortable. Both of them did everything together like hunting, climbing, and exploring different parts of where they lived. Soon enough the female ogre that saved him and her ogre husband became Aiden's parents. He was so excited to know that they felt that way for him. He never thought that they would ever get along so well. They treated him so good and made him feel happier than ever when they were together. He didn't even ask or worry about his human parents because he didn't want anything to do with him since he found out they abandoned him. He had all the love he needed with his new family. When Aiden was 14 his family gave him the decision of looking for his real parents at that moment, Aiden got mad because he thought that they didn't want him anymore so he left running out of their way.

Aiden returned the next day by noon because he thought that he took it too far and that he should apologize for running off the way he did. While he was out other humans saw him and noticed that he looked like he was homeless because the only thing that covered him was a rag. The woman started to follow him secretly to see where he was going. When she found where he was staying she was shocked and thought that the ogres were dangerous. Aides and his family had no idea that she saw them. They did the usual everyday for two weeks. One day the ogres could smell something they'd never smelled in 14 years. They were worried because they thought there might be someone out there trying to hurt them. Later that day Aiden's human mom appeared with 30 other humans. It was late 1996 and it was fall. Beautiful leaves falling everywhere as the wind blew them off. Calabria is such a beautiful place all year long. The place was filled with friendly ogres and only 1 special human. His name was Aiden Rodriguez, the only human that lived with the ogres. Aiden was found by ogres they thought he was abandoned by his parents. They were confused and had no idea what to do with the thing. Since Aiden was human the ogres thought that he was harmful and they planned on killing him at the moment. Luckily, before they killed him, a female ogre told them to stop and give the boy a chance " He's just a baby" said the female ogre. The male ogres didn't agree at first, but after all they thought that the kid could be helpful.

As Aiden got older they became nicer to him. He was very happy to be with them and he didn't care if they weren't the same because all that mattered to him was love. There was a very special ogre named arg, he was the nicest and most caring with Aiden. Soon enough the female ogre that saved him and her ogre husband became Aiden's parents. He was so excited to know that they felt that way for him. He never thought that they would ever get along so well. They treated him so good and made him feel happier than ever when they were together. He didn't even ask or worry about his human parents because he didn't want anything to do with him since he found out they abandoned him. He had all the love he needed with his new family. When he was about 9 he learned how to hunt and search for his own food. He learned to do everything by himself. Although he hated his real family for what he did he thought of them sometimes and wondered what it would be like if he lived with them, but after a few minutes of thinking he would remember the harsh thing they did.

When Aiden was 14 his family gave him the decision of looking for his real parents at that moment, Aiden got mad because he thought that they didn't want him anymore so he left running out of their way. Aiden returned the next day by noon because he thought that he took it too far and that he should apologize for running off the way he did. While he was out other humans saw him and noticed that he looked like he was homeless because the only thing that covered him was a rag. The woman started to follow him secretly to see where he was going. When she found where he was staying she was shocked and thought that the ogres were dangerous. Aides and his family had no idea that she saw them. They did the usual everyday for two weeks. One day the ogres could smell something they'd never smelled in 14 years. They were worried because they thought there might be someone out there trying to hurt them. Later that day Aiden's human mom appeared with 30 other humans.

Carl & Aiden are best friends they both grew up together. Aiden Rodriguez has been having a rough life with the ogre they have

been doing things & thinking of killing poor aiden the day he came into the ogre's life but a female ogre insisted of giving Aiden a chance in the life of an ogre. Aiden has been growing strong as a human with the mindset of a ogre. Aiden had met carl when he was around 5 years old & ever since then he has been friends with carl They have caught on to their life’s. Aiden hasn't been notified by the ogres that there were humans searching for him the problems that the ogres had with the humans were that they didn't get along as well & if the humans fid out that the ogre have one of their own they would be furious with the ogres. Aiden hasn’t known if there were species like him. Carl has been keeping the secret from Aiden for many years that they were schave been friends Carl would be heartbroken if that one day in which Aiden would have to leave Carl's side forever especially because carl is an ogre. the day came & the humans found out that the ogres have been keeping Aiden as a prisoner only thing that the humans didn’t see was that the ogres weren’t actually keeping Aiden as a prisoner they were actually keeping him & teaching him the way of life. The humans ended up bringing up war & just started war Against the ogres. hatetrade Was Upon The War against the Ogre & the humans. The humans tried Notifying Others to join forces to beat the ogre. Many humans thought the ogres kept Aiden captive & Things were mixed Up. Aiden never thought to think that There were species as Close as him.Overtime Aiden & his friend Carl were confused about the whole war & how it came to be only thing that was wrong was that Carl Kept the secret about the war. Carl's tribe of ogres had told him that if Aiden ever find out about his true family He will go with them & Kill the ogres.Many humans Were preparing to fight against The ogres only problem was that they didn't know if they hurt the ogres they are definitely going to hurt Aiden as well. The time went on & the war was near Ogres were preparing shelters For the pedestrians of theirs. Humans thought that many ogres were bad because they had uptained Aiden. The war had commenced & the humans had a back up plan to just rescue Aiden from the ogres the only thing that they didn't know was that Aiden wasn’t anywhere to be found. The ogres already knew what the humans were trying to do With them & they had already planned things out Aiden & Carl had been notify that if they try fighting the humans at all force would kill Carl. Aiden had known Carl for the longest & if Carl died so As Aiden too....

Aiden went to the human's village to try to get some food and clothes for carl and him he had sneak into the village to get weapons but then he saw guards he had to hide his identity from the humans. Arg was worry about Aiden so he sent Carl to look for him at the village Arg had told him to hide his identity or he will be killed by humans. Humans were guarding the entry, Carl had been scared he didn't know to enter the village.

Carl had dropped a note that Arg wrote saying "be careful with humans. -Arg" one of the guards had found it every guard had been in search for that one person who dropped it. Carl had to rush to find Aiden he had nowhere to be seen. Carl and Aiden had been in danger with humans. It had gotten intense because Carl had nowhere to go then he was found by a human. They had tied him up ogres had seen they didn't like it.

There was a night during the ogres war there’s was a terrible noise. It was horses’ hooves thundering down the dusty path. Aiden was scared he went to Carl’s room he had said “what was going out there this late?’’ Arg comes in running tells him what has been happening. Aiden doesn’t know what to do. He doesn’t want anything want anything bad to the ogres he was so frightened he is trying to protect the ogres so they won't get killed. Aiden and Carl try to figure out a way to stop the war. Humans and ogres were at the Enchanted Forest already starting the war. There wasn’t much humans and ogres but they had been really prepared for the war.

There had been a fight now, ogres and humans had been attacking now. They didn't like what they were doing to Carl and Aiden, they were nowhere to be seen. Humans had became aggressive. Aiden had appeared he was shocked by what he had seen, it grew hate towards the humans there were hurting his family in which he had to do something. They let Carl and Aiden free with the ogres, ogres didn't like the humans they had gotten Carl and Aiden.

Aiden hated the humans by what they did to Carl and ogres they didn't get along. Arg missed Aiden he had been happy that he was still alive. They were a happy family now living together they had been worried about the humans attacking then again. They were getting ready if they were going to attack again. They had been scared but they knew they had a big family of ogres so didn't worried much.

* * *

Aiden, as he was walking down the quiet forest of his people, was hit in the head. Everything went dark and all he could hear are loud footsteps walking upstairs. Aiden finally heard the footsteps get quiet and he opened his eyes until he found out he was sitting on a chair inside a cell. A man waiting outside the cell introduces the place he is in the town of humans. Aiden, confused and scared, asked a question in a stuttering voice. "Who are you?",the man then got closed to the cell and responded to Aiden,"I am your brother, Carl, my parents lost you in a war many years ago against the Ogres". "We have been searching for you ever since we evacuated from our old home". Aiden in shock had no respond to Carl's answer. In the cell there was a moment of silence between the two brothers. Carl decides to open the cell and let him go, but he asked Aiden where the Ogres were at. "We are not going to hurt you our main enemies are the Ogres.We as a society decided that we need to get rid of them." Aiden decide to stay quiet and had the opportunity to punch his brother,he did. The sound of the punch echoed around the cell and Aiden fled out of the cell. As he ran he saw and open door so he decided to go to it. Once Aiden was out he saw that he was inside the small town of the humans and was amazed with what the civilization was like. He then went to head to the front entrance of the village.

As Aiden was heading to the entrance his brother and four other knights were running after him in order to get the answer he wanted. Aiden and the others were running through the people pushing and shoving, yelling, and breathing heavily. Finally, Aiden was out of the village, but suddenly something happened. His mother’s griffin came down upon Aiden, deciding to help him. Carl and the knights finally run out of the village and see the huge griffen that Aiden was riding. The bright brown griffin breathed fire heavily toward Carl and his backup and the fire circle around them lifting up into a bright red rose. As Carl decided go past the fire to attack the huge bird, Aiden and his new friend fly away and head for the small village of his family. Carl looked up furious that he had let the beast go and talking his brother, but what Carl noticed was that the griffin was dropping feathers. "Call the others!," Carl shouted. "We need to follow this trail of feathers. I believe it is going to lead us to the Ogres."

Aiden and the griffin headed to the small forest of the Ogres as fast as they could. Finally, Aiden made it to the forest and need to speak to Arg. He went all over the village to find Arg until he saw him at the grave of his mother. He sat next to her, silent as he dropped a handful of flowers. Aiden then went up to Arg and spoke with him. "Arg, our people are in danger. The humans want to destroy the Ogre race", Aiden spoke frighten. "What do you mean, what happened,” Arg replied curiously.

Comments & reviews · 3
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Hi! Holographic Ladybug here for a review!

I like the idea of the story, but some things were repeated over and over again at the middle so I had to keep skipping over some things. Don't make your readers do that. Stick with one beginning, one middle, and one end, not a whole bunch over and over again. Yet again, it makes if hard to read and your readers will want to skip over it. DON'T MAKE US DO THAT.

Also, I get the feeling that you were almost writing in point form. Make your sentences flow well and you'll have an amazing story. You'll also need description.
This brings us to showing and not telling. Showing VS. telling is like this:
Telling: The king was angry and threw a temper tantrum.
Showing: The king's eyes seemed to turn red and I could swear that smoke was about to come out of his ears. He snatched a grape from a silver bowl and it burst in his hand. Purple juice splattered everywhere, which made the king even more furious.
See the difference? Isn't the second one more fun to read? It's way more fun to right as well.
That brings us to another point: description. To make your story seem like it's not is point form as much, you'll need description. Show us what the ogre village. I'm not always sure what an ogre looks like because it differs from story to story, so show us what they look like. Add suspense. Add mystery. Build relationships with your characters. Make us laugh. Make us cry. Have proper grammar (I've noticed some). If you do all of these things and MORE, you'll have a terrific story where readers will be lining up at your door for autographs. It can sometimes be a long journey, but writing is always worth wile. It will be worth the effort, trust me.
~Holographic Ladybug

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~Volant~
Review

(I don't know if you noticed, there's a place where the first several paragraphs get repeated in the middle?)

Hi, Scorpion! It's good to meet you! ^^ I like the idea to move old fantasy tropes into a more modern setting. I think that's great fun!

This feels more of an outline/summary of a project you want to do instead of a finished literary piece, so I'm going to focus more on the broader story arc instead of your writing specifically.

I like the idea of Aiden escaping, running out into the streets, and being awestruck by all the human civilization. One thing I would be careful with is, as a reader, my concern is "Is he going to get away? Will he make it in time to warn his people?" and those are tense, time-sensitive concerns. Pausing to describe all the wonders and craziness Aiden is certain to experience might have me tearing my hair out shouting, "Go!! Gooooo!!!! Keep running, Aiden!!!" So make sure you're aware of that while you're weaving everything in together. Maybe he has a moment of being stunned before someone shouts at him, and then you can mix the escape with the newness. They could mix well.

Also, be aware of your time period. You've chosen 1996; why? It doesn't seem to change anything in the story. Apparently humans didn't use their cars to check out the ogre village, and Aiden has had no questions about the jet planes that are sure to have flown over his head all growing up. They didn't even use a traquilizer to "rescue" their kidnapped child? in 1996 we had better ways of knocking out people. I like the idea of modern-day human/ogre interaction, but I'd like to see you do more with it. Maybe (and this is more story suggestion than review, but you might think about it) maybe you don't let the reader know what year it is. Maybe we see primitive ogre village and our first thought of course is going to be, "well look at this fun medieval fantasy book in a Tolkein-like setting." And then Aiden escapes and is blown away by cars and stoplights, and we're feeling exactly what he's doing because we're shocked too. "Holy cow, it's the 90's!!"

Good luck on your story! And welcome to YWS!

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sanchez2801 Comment

Natha was here 16/12/15 per 4



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