Chapter Nine: A Fight
The next day, Jackson caught me and Langston holding hands underneath the bleachers during lunch.
We had gotten away from our loud table (who was still unaware that we were officially together) and then had run off to the baseball field, where we hid beneath the bleachers and told stories.
We weren’t one of those mushy types of couples who would make out in public or perform any other kind of P.D.A. We were sweet, innocent, and probably even more like friends than girlfriend and boyfriend - minus our tendency to kiss...
Jackson must have followed us, which was a bit embarrassing, because the whole time we were running, we were giggling and saying things like, “Those idiots, they didn’t even notice!” and “Stop being so cute!”, "No, you stop!" And who knew how long he’d been there; we had kissed quickly before we went underneath the bleachers, and it had felt so private and intimate. Now it felt stupid and gullible.
“You jerk,” hissed Jackson, glaring at Langston. “I told you from day one that I liked her, and that I wanted to ask her out. And you had to kiss her right in front of me. Twice!”
I looked at Langston. “You never told me he said that!”
He shrugged, and turned to Jackson. “I liked her too. But how could I have told you?”
Jackson looked away from him angrily, and then to me. “Selene, you must have known by now how much I like you. Why did you choose Langston?”
“I actually didn’t know. And I’m sorry, but I don’t feel the same. I liked Langston from day one.”
Langston smiled a bit at the comment.
Jackson winced. “I hate my life.”
The two of us seemed startled. Was I really that big of a deal for him? Couldn’t he be happy for his friends?
“I hate you, too, Langston,” he added.
He balled his fists and stormed away.
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125,013 Literary Works • 672,842 Reviews
HEEEEEEEEYY!!~~~ Sorry I haven't review!
I was so busy with exams and all that stuff I couldn't go online for so long! No worries, I return to review on another chapter.
Alright then, let's just get this straight: this chapter was very sudden. It went to fast, it was too abrupt, and altogether it was short.
Technical errors first.
" Jackson caught [me and Langston] holding hands "
It should be "Langston and I".
" We had gotten away from our loud table (who was still unaware that we were officially together) "
Perhaps that should be "escaped from our loud friends". I know what you mean by the loud table, but it still sounds quite awkward.
" We weren’t [one of those mushy types of couples] who "
This should be "those mushy types of couples".
" and probably even more like friends than girlfriend and boyfriend "
Hmm, using "girlfriend and boyfriend" sounds quite long, and it disrupts the flow. Simple "lovers" or "a couple" will be okay.
" “Selene, you [must have known by now] how much I like you. "
Wait, what? "By now" should not be there, because it contrasts the meaning of "must have known". "Must have known" refers to Selene having knowledge of Jackson's attraction prior to the incident, where as "by now" refers to her knowing that only at the time of the incident.
" The two of us seemed startled. "
As a narrator talking about herself, Selene knows exactly what she felt. "seemed" is usually a term used when one is unsure about something about someone. Surely, Langston and Selene were shocked, so replacing "seemed" with "were" is correct.
Alright, technical errors over, let's go on with my opinions.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! This chapter is short because it was too fast-- too abrupt. You lack description. The flow is rapid and quite confusing. This chapter is supposed to be meaningful, but the way you have presented it is as though it was written in a rush; as though it is of no importance.
And, this chapter was quite plain because of the lack of imagery and ultra-fast flow. It was sudden and rushed. For example:
Why start with telling the reader straight away that Jackson caught them red-handed? You give away the surprise and drama at the first line of the chapter, and that already is a bad technique.
Start with Selene and Langston at their table, giving mental messages as a plan to run away to the bleachers. Describe how they slip away, how she feels as she hold his hand, her mirth as she exchanges those witty, innocent remarks with the boy of her heart. Describe the field, or bleachers. The atmosphere, was it stuffy and uncomfortable, or did it not matter because Langston was there?
And then, when they talked, describe their chat to bring that fluffy heart-warming feeling to the reader; to define the sweet innocence of adolescent love is a wonderful way to attract a reader.
Only then you should reveal that Jackson had been following them all this time! It adds to the shock, does it not?
Their conversation also lacked emphasis. When Jackson hissed at Langston, is it just a hiss? Why not use "venom dripping in his words", "glaring daggers" and "seething"? Your description of his anger and jealousy was plain.
When Selene looked at Langston and accused him of not telling her about Jackson's attraction, is she surprised? Offended? Confused?
Remember, the weak point in here is description and story flow. Work on that!
Anyway, I love where this is going! Poor Jackson, my favourite character! xD Sorry this review was a bit fast-- I have to go!
~Brunnera
Woaaaaah, Jackson is hot headed. In the previous chapters, although he was a 'jerk', he seemed like more of a playful one. You know, those kinds of people who are just ignored and not taken seriously. But in this chapter we see his true nature and things get intense. That's good, I feel like the previous chapters have been more 'setting the scene' and now we've gotten into the obstacles.
This sentence is a little awkward to read: I looked at Langston. “You never told me he told you he liked me.” My suggestion for what you could change it to is: "You never told me he'd said that!"
There you go. It's a great story, as I've said in previous chapters. I hope you continue it all the way to the end!
heya hai hello howya doin?
So I've read a few chapters in this series before, so forgive me if I don't talk much about the plot because, in my mind, there are sure to be gaps.
You have a good idea going. This is definitely the type of style and genre that is popular among TONS of teenage girls right now. (I, myself, am not one of them, but I can speak on behalf of many classmates.)
I think the biggest thing you have to do when you write this series is think to yourself, "What am I teaching the reader? What are they gaining from this?" Because, even in an entertaining novel, there must be a message. Otherwise, it's 200 or so pages of a teenager's life wasted away. There must be real, emotional tension...depth...you must make us feel for your characters, ESPECIALLY your main character! Make her relate-able, even to someone who's never been in love. Make a lover of fantasy novels and a hater of chick-flicks love this story, because it grasped their heart! You can keep your plot going however you want; but keep the story centered around the core, some sort of main message that can be wrapped up and recognized by the end. Will we learn perseverance, self-confidence, self-love? Or maybe even courage and what true love and sacrifice really look like?
This is the author's job, the storyteller's quest: leave your reader entertained, but also wiser after they've read your work.
You have a very good start to your piece; I'm awaiting to see how this story turns out
Thank you for being a fellow artist
~iron.n