Chapter One: Creepy Boy
Seattle was basically the opposite of my hometown.
When I lived in California, we would go surfing every weekend, ride bikes by the beach, and shop at the mall. My friends and I lived such a life together.
So, when I moved to Seattle, I was surprised by how dreary, rainy, cloudy and bor-ing everything became. The clouds were constantly thick and ominous, the air brisk like fresh raindrops -- and not the pleasant, every-now-and-then Californian rain. That was the best rain. No, this rain was heavy, hard, and happened at least twice weekly.
And to complicate the change of environment even more, I had to move to a new school, my first day being halfway through the school year.
When I arrived at West Seattle High, I was wearing the California norm – a beach-themed top, light denim shorts, and pink flip-flops. I’d straightened my wavy, sun-highlighted hair into smooth layers and put it into a ponytail earlier that morning. As another conformity to the Seattle lifestyle, I added a gray sweatshirt of my brother’s that said “Washington”. Being the new girl halfway through the ninth-grade year, I was going to need some sort of camouflage to avoid being noticed by my peers. Notice would mean gossip, which always led to trouble.
Dad drove me, probably because the bus would be a crazy change from me walking to school with my friends in California.
“Have fun!” he exclaimed with a smile.
I waved goodbye to him and walked up the grassy path to the entrance. Being just my luck, it began to rain, and my flip flops sloshed on the mossy parts of the walk. I sighed as the sound became louder, and a few other students watched. They were all wearing boots. I didn't recall ever wearing boots in my lifetime.
The office secretary, whose drab gray nametag read “Mrs. Campbell”, was a plump old lady with owl-rimmed glasses and a kind smile.
“Selene?” she guessed.
I nodded, hoping no one else was noticing the conversation.
“From California, right?”
I nodded one more time. It was going to most likely be my title for the year; the girl from Cali. Of course. There was no escaping that difference. I was dead meat -- obvious gossip.
“Your locker is right next to your homeroom, room 163. Down the hall, that way.” She pointed in the direction of my locker. “Locker 1749.”
“Thank you.”
“And here’s your combo.” She handed me a slip of paper.
I walked to my locker, finding it amidst lockers 1700 through 1750. It was large compared to my old locker, which was probably a quarter of its size. I tried the combination after reading it from the paper, and once my locker was open, I put my books in it. I heard a noise behind me – it sounded like scuffling feet – and then turned around. But nobody was there.
I was frazzled by the feeling of being watched, but I continued to rearrange my new storage space. I grabbed my books for the first three periods of the day and turned around to find a tall boy staring at me.
I screamed and jumped.
He laughed. “Sorry to scare you. It’s a school tradition.” He looked at his feet kind of shyly. “I’m Jackson.”
“Hi.” I began to walk to homeroom.
“Okay, uh...see you later,” said Jackson with a wave.
I left Creepy Boy standing in the hallway and entered room 229.
…
My homeroom teacher was also my first period teacher, Mr. Lee. He was a tall man with dark hair and wide-rimmed glasses and a mouth that was always in the exact shape of a line. You could tell how he was feeling by his eyebrows.
He greeted me with a flat smile.
“Ms. Richter. The California Girl.” he said, his accent thick.
I almost rolled my eyes at the stereotype. Curse you, Katy Perry, I thought. But what did I say in reply?
“Yep, that’s me!”
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,013 Literary Works • 672,842 Reviews
Hey there!!
Just a fellow passerby who wants to review this. this is just a personal reminder for me to do so!
Haha okay
Hello! I'm here to review, as requested. I know this already has heaps of reviews, but I figure that I should start from chapter one. Anyway, I'll start reading now.
The first line is brilliant, it tells you a lot. After reading it I know that she now lives in Seattle, but she's probably only lived there for a little while. I know that it's very different and unfamiliar to her. I also think that she doesn't like it very much.
You have great descriptions. I love how you backed up the fact that things are very different by writing about her flip flop incident. Goodness I feel so weird saying flip flop.
I like how you gave Jackson a nick name. It's great. And I just have to do this...
"The name is Jackson, Percy Jackson."
With Mr Lee, you said that you could tell how he was feeling by his eyebrows. So when he greets her, you should use that and describe how he's feeling.
That's all I've got to say. I'll get to chapter two now!
Thanks so much!
You just made my evening 
I thought there would be more mistakes...! But yay!
Keep on reading!
And yes, Percy inspired the whole Jackson character. You'll notice by his description in the next chapter.
I updated it! Reread it!
Hey!
So, well, you've already got two big reviews down there which pretty much cover up everything, so I'm not gonna be nitpicking today!
I really liked it, her insecurities on joining a new school and the way you described it all was very teenage-ish, which I loved!
I hope to see more of Jackson in the future chapters though, he made a very 'I'm gonna be your new favourite character' impression and I just wished you had described him a wee bit more, other than the fact that he was tall. But those are just my personal wishes...Selene had enough too cope with without scrutinising 'creepy boy' !
I look forward to more!
Cool!
Here's a hint -
I've already written the next two chapters. And just FYI, the first chapter is intentionally misleading about, you know, what will happen in her love life's future. OMG crazy right?! But seriously, in Chapter 2 theres like a whole plethora of new characters to be introduced.
I've said too much. lol.
Anyway, thanks!
Oh dear...I'm already all crazy about Blood of Olympus (dyou read Percy Jackson?) and now this too!
Haha.
And yeah I love BOL.
Hi! It's Brunnera here to post a review on your...well, interesting chapter. It's teen fiction, probably, by the first look of it. More on teen fiction than realistic, so I'd reconsider its registered genres xD Just a suggestion though.
" As a final conformity to the Seattle lifestyle, I added a gray sweatshirt of my brother’s that (said “WA”, probably for “Washington”.) Being the new girl halfway through the ninth-grade year, I was going to need some conformity to avoid being noticed by my peers. (Noticed = gossip, which = trouble.) "
First of all, if the narrator suspects something, and especially since this isn't in italic form or in a personal thought, the suspicion should reach the readers formally. So changing the first bracketed to "that had the words "WA" imprinted on it, which I suspected stood for "Washington".
Besides that, avoid symbols. "=" is wrong. "equals" should replace the symbols. Technically, the symbol, unless if used in a mathematical sentence, is a grammatical error.
" Dad drove me, probably because the bus would be a crazy change from me walking to school with my friends in California. “Have fun!” he exclaimed with a smile, and I waved and walked up the grassy path to the entrance. Being just my luck, it began to rain, and my flip flops sloshed on the mossy parts of the walk. I sighed as the sound became louder, and a few other students watched. They were all wearing boots. Did I own any boots at all? "
When one speaks, be sure to start a new paragraph. And once the reader's attention is brought elsewhere, a new paragraph should be started as well. Mixing everything up confuses a reader and makes the passage hard to read or understand.
It should look like this:
" Dad drove me, probably because the bus would be a crazy change from me walking to school with my friends in California.
“Have fun!” he exclaimed with a smile.
I waved (goodbye) and walked up the grassy path to the entrance. Being just my luck, it began to rain, and my flip flops sloshed on the mossy parts of the walk. I sighed as the sound became louder, and a few other students watched.
They were all wearing boots. Did I own any boots at all? "
Same thing applies for this:
" The office secretary, whose drab nametag read “Mrs. Campbell”, was a plump old lady with owl-rimmed glasses and a kind smile. “Selene?” she guessed. I nodded, hoping no one else was noticing the conversation. “From California, right?” "
After "a kind smile", when the secretary starts talking, a new paragraph should be started.
" I nodded one more time. It would probably be my title from now on; the girl from Cali. Of course. There was no escaping that nonconformity. I was dead meat, obvious gossip. "
I like the tinge of humour in this paragraph, but the word "conformity" has appeared three times throughout the chapter, and seeing it again is making it very redundant. I'd advise replacing the word.
" I was frazzled by the feeling of being watched, but I [slushed my flip-flops] around as I rearranged my new storage space. "
Slushed her flip-flops around...? Is she doing that on purpose? O_o If she isn't, then the construction of this sentence has incorrectly conveyed the wrong message to the reader. Maybe "my flip-flops slushed round" is better, even then the whole thing concerning her footwear sounds awkward.
" “Ahh!” I screamed, and jumped. He laughed. “Sorry to scare you. It’s a school tradition.” He looked to his feet shyly. “I’m Jackson.” "
If the character screams...well, putting in words like "Ahh!" make it sound lame. Really, it takes away the surprise which is supposed to be there. And, you've mixed Selene's dialogue with Jackson's dialogue...remember that paragraphs play a very important role. You must know when and where to start a new paragraph.
Imagery is what your chapter needs work on. This was basically just a general way of describing the situation Selene was in. Very general, no details at all, so I only have a vague image of the new environment she is exposed to.
For example, Seattle. "cloudy, rainy, bor-ing" is all there is to it? There is, in fact, a better way to describe it when one compares Seattle to California. Elaborate on the warmth and radiance of the Sun, the breezy and common wind and air, the scenery one's eyes usually feasts upon in beautiful California, and etc.
Then, Seattle, you must tell me how much of a contrast it is to the previous location. And when I say tell, don't just tell...define. When it is cloudy, describe how Selene notices how low the thick clouds hang in the sky, the depression and loneliness that consumes one in the dreary atmosphere and so on.
Without imagery, the reader is not pulled into the character's situation, therefore the reader will remain unimpressed for the most part. Sight, hearing, smell, taste-- they are essential for the reader to actually BE in the characters shoes. This is especially important since you are writing in first-person.
Jackson was not so described. He needs more work...and the way he and Selene met was quite unsatisfactory. Dwell on how she scrutinizes him-- the colour of his hair, the glint in his eyes, the features of his nose or jaw-- and how she reaches the conclusion he is "creepy".
Well, I've given you all I can help you with in the chapter. Hopefully it was helpful! Feel free to ask me for anything if you need some aid.
~Brunnera
I agree with most of your feedback, this was an awesome review, and I'll have to change a few things later when I get the chance.
However, I have to say, with the whole thing about Jackson: While I do need to describe him, I did not mean for him to come across as creepy - more as one of those annoying stereotypical teen guys who's sorta shy but mostly a goof. She finds him somewhat attractive, too; at least how I envisioned it. Just to let you know lol.
I appreciate the feedback!
Hello! I'm here for a review!
I hope to see more of this awesome novel of yours.
"A [brightly]-coloured [t-shirt], light denim shorts and pink flip flops."
I spot a grammatical error here. A T-Shirt cannot be brightly-coloured, however it can be bright-coloured. What I'm implying here is that for example, the shirt was a bright yellow. The colour is not what you describe as a "brightly" colour, however, it is a bright colour. Get what I mean? A grammatical mistake there.
"Selene?" she guessed. I nodded [...]"
From here onwards, the dialogue should be carried into another paragraph.
"I heard a noise behind me — shuffling, maybe? — and then turned around."
The usage of just 'shuffling' here seems weird. I understand that you were perhaps meaning the shuffling of feet? There would be tons of ways to shuffle; the shuffling of cards; the shuffling of feet. Be more specific. I would put it this way: I heard a noise behind me — possibly the shuffling of feet — and then turned around.
"He looked to his feet shyly."
Here, the word 'to' is wrongly put. It should be exchanged with 'at', because the word "to" defines a purpose, however, the word "at" means that his vision is directed to his feet.
Overall this was a well done chapter! I hope I wasn't too harsh or nitpicky. I hope you'll do your best on your next one! And are you really 12? You'll grow up to he a professional writer in no time. Good luck!
-Lisa
Haha! Yeah, I'm 12. And I TOTALLY get your nitpickiness - it was just some free writing I've been doing, so in other words, it kinda sucks
Thanks tho! I've written a few more chapters, I'll post them soon. Thanks for the advice!