The screams were almost unbearable.
I shut my eyes tight telling myself it was all a dream.
But when I opened them the same tragic scene was happening right before my eyes.
Gunshots rang in my ear, people dying right in front of me and there wasn't anything I could do about it.
Before I know it I am crying.
But why?
I know the answer but still I question myself.
And that is because, somehow I feel responsible for all these peoples fate.
Somehow I feel there was something I Could have done.
Anything.
I wipe the tears from my face.
I am no longer a kid I do not cry.
Now it is my job to protect the life that may be the last.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Well, that is a pretty intense start to that prologue there...we've got what looks to be a pretty horrible situation going on here with people screaming and considering the fact that it is specifically considered to be a tragic scene well, it certainly gets your attention right away with what sort of scene this could turn out to be here.
Well, yes that does in fact seem to be summing up a very tragic event there, people dying left and right in front of you is always a sign that things are going very, very badly so...well, its no wonder that the protagonist is reacting in the way that they currently are.
Aaand well, that explains the reasoning even more there, oh gosh, the thought that this person feels responsible for that many deaths certainly seems like the sort of thing that can properly break a person especially cause it does look like this person is malicious and wanted to actually cause the death of so many people.
Well, it looks like the person is trying to pull themselves together there towards the end so they can try and protect whoever is left. Its got a very prophetic feel to it that everyone is being killed but apparently on last life will be left to protect...all in all, this makes for a really intriguing prologue here. It does seem like the type of story that I would read here.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hello, sapphiredawson!
I'm going to assume that this entire piece is in italics because it's representing the narrators thoughts. If that's the case then you don't need to put everything in italics. Usually, italics are used when the majority of the story is not composed of the narrators thoughts - when it's written in 3rd person - but since this is in 1st person you don't need that.
Okay, now on to a few nitpicks.
The first verb is in the past tense, the second in present tense. When writing you have to make sure that everything in in the same tense. Here, the past tense has already been established, so you must modify the second one to match the rest of the story. I suggest simply adding in the word "were" in front of "dying", but you could go about the modification in any way.
This section is entirely unnecessary. It would be best if you cut it altogether.
Tense change again. You need to go through this again and decided which tense you want to write it, because right now all of the changes are confusing.
I find myself saying this a lot, so at the risk of being repetitive, Sapphire, there is a lot of telling here and not enough showing. I've found that sending people links to helpful sites works best, so please click on this for more information.
I'm not too sure what's happening here. I know people have died, you've made that clear, but why? Why does the narrator feel responsible? I don't understand and a confused reader is not a happy reader. If you decide to revise then I'd love to give it another read!
-ReiseP
The Messenger Knight here to review for you. Happy Review Day!!!
so, I am not sure why this is all in italic. It might have been formatting problems, which I have had as well so don't worry about that. It can be fixed pretty easily. Now, the story goes from past tense to present tense which I am not sure about. Is it because the first part was in the past and the main character is thinking about it? Also, there could be a lot more description here. I don't understand really what is going on, other than the fact that there is a person, presumably about twenty and she is watching a bunch of people dying.
So, not to leave you mad at me for being mean and not saying anything good about your story.
I actually found this very intriguing. It sounds like quite an interesting story. And it sounds like maybe something has happened in the girl's life when she was a kid. Overall I like the looks of this story.
Keep it up!
Hey man JC here for a review!
.
The first line is good in my opinion in setting the rest of it up. There are a few other words you could have added.
In the second line I feel tightly would have went better also more punctuation would be nice. I started writing here, not too long ago myself and it helps.
I feel as if you you wrote, opened my eyes would have went better. Especially if this is the prologue this sets up EVERYTHING
Suddenly gunshots, that's a good twist I hope for more of a setting though.
I feel as if but why fits well where it is.
Starting off with and is just wack! It kinda loses steam at this point.
There is a random capitalized Could there. Anything needs to have more impact, more feeling! Setting would have helped a lot.
You could have combined the lines "I wipe the tears from my face".
"I am no longer a kid I do not cry".
The last line is a mystery which is good except this is all a mystery to me as a reader.
I enjoyed where you are going with this, just was it rushed?
Fine tune it and slow down and you should do fine
JC
Thank you I will be updating soon!
Very interesting, though I do have to ask, you should put a tittle up. A big catchy tittle is one of the things you should do first, even if your going to change it later. Back to the story, I find it very intense, and pulls you into the book. Who is the character? Why are there gunshots? Good beginning, just a few things that seemed off.
"And that is because, somehow I feel responsible for all these peoples fate. "
First off, It should just be "That is because...". 'And' is never used at the beginning, even I'm guilty of that, trust me. Somehow also needs a comma after it. Also, I think this sentence could be rewritten as
"That is because, somehow, I feel responsible for the fate of all these people." Peoples is an odd word to use nowadays. One last thing, which is common in rough copy's, is in this sentence:
"Somehow I feel there was something I Could have done."
Somehow also needs a comma after and could doesn't need a capital.
All in all, I think this prologue is intense and fast past, short and sweet, and neatly narrated. I ask that you send me the link as soon as you post chapter 1