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Loving You

by samuelcaro

Loving you is like walking in the ocean,

At first I was unsure if I wanted to go in.


Then I found myself knee-deep,

With no more tears to weep.


With the water at my waist,

It felt like we moved in haste.


But when the water touched my chin,

It felt like a win.


I sank in my head,

And was left with no dread.

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1485 Reviews

Points: 154066
Reviews: 1485

Sun Mar 27, 2022 7:45 pm
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IcyFlame wrote a review...

Hey there samuelcaro! I'm not usually one to review poetry, but I opened this as you had marked it as art and thought whilst I was here I would drop in a quick review.

I like the consistent imagery you've used here, the whole theme of love being like happily drowning in an ocean and giving in to the feelings is quite powerful and I think you've done a good job of continuing that throughout. I think it's perhaps something you could play on even more. This is relatively basic, which isn't necessarily a problem but I think you could take that imagery and expand on it.

I also think the rhyme scheme here is holding you back. You start quite strong, but then it almost seems as if the rhyme is being forced just to stick with the scheme you've started. Perhaps try taking away the rhyme scheme altogether and explore how that might work. This one in particular, I feel is held back by the structure:

But when the water touched my chin,

It felt like a win.

I think you've got the premise down, and I think you could play around with this in a few different ways! I enjoyed reading it, and hope this review helps!


samuelcaro says...

Hey, IcyFlame! Thank you for taking the time out of your day to read/review my work.

I will admit I did try to mend my poem to fit the rhyme scheme I'd chosen, I wrote this back when we'd just started our poetry unit in my school and I thought I'd give the rhyming couplets a try outside of schoolwork.

There'll definitely be more to come, and I hope to see you again!

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214 Reviews

Points: 13515
Reviews: 214

Wed Mar 23, 2022 6:38 pm
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WinnyWriter wrote a review...

Hey, there! It's easy to tell that you have a sentimental goal with this poem. Rather than being a poem on the pain that can come with loving a person, this one is simply sweet in its focus on the enjoyment of love. I like the simplicity and directness. I really appreciate how you described the initial uncertainty surrounding the narrator's decision to put themselves out and risk loving, and then their discovery of how worthwhile it turns out to be.

This poem is well-organized and pretty easy to read. The format is clear. Also, it appears that your spelling and grammar are good.

I found myself a little unsure what the intended meaning was in the second stanza. It mentions having no tears left, but nothing previous to this indicates anything about tears at all, so I am a little confused as to why crying has suddenly come into the picture, especially since the narrator is clearly describing love as a positive experience.

I can see that you've put thought into choosing words that rhyme. Again, it's simple and not overly flowery, which is kind of refreshing in a way. That being said, the flow seemed somewhat inconsistent to me. When I was reading it, I couldn't get a steady sense of the rhythm. Something to consider for fixing that would be thinking about the number of syllables per line and try to keep it consistent through each stanza.

Overall, I really enjoyed the sentiment of your poem here. I like the imagery you used by comparing love with the ocean. Good job, and keep writing!

samuelcaro says...

Thank you for taking the time to not only read but leave some insightful bits, I really appreciate it.

As for your confusion for the second stanza where I mentioned there being no more tears to weep, it was a call back to a season of depression I was in before meeting my girlfriend, and that as I grew to know and love her, I was able to overcome a lot of things I continued to struggle with at the time I was "knee-deep."

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956 Reviews

Points: 258
Reviews: 956

Wed Mar 23, 2022 2:45 pm
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vampricone6783 wrote a review...

I think your girlfriend will like this poem,it was very romantic.It’s like something that you’re both getting used to,this love,but over time,it’s better and more comfortable.The ocean can be beautiful and a disaster,it can cause life or destroy it.It’s lovely no matter what happens.I hope you have an awesome and amazing day and night.

You have been de-shenaniganed.
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