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I am the bearer of darkness,
Thunder is a part of me,
Lightening is my sister,
I am possessed by misery.
Children scream before me,
Men bathe in their tears,
Dogs whimper and cower,
I am what everyone does fear.
My eyes an eerie grey,
They match the sky above,
When salty water falls from one,
The other follows; a deadly kind of love.
Life sucks,
Pain is pleasure,
Nothing is so perfect,
After you’ve lost your one greatest treasure.
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142,228 Literary Works • 677,045 Reviews
A few minor criticisms:
"I am what everyone does fear" reads a little awkwardly, and I think you're okay without the extra syllable. In other words, you could just say "I am what everyone fears" rather than "does fear."
"a deadly kind of love" really makes no sense to me. First of all, what's deadly about it? I mean, unless you mean the narrator is crying so often that it rains constantly, resulting in a second Great Flood/Ark/forty days and forty nights...but you don't really say anything like that. Also, what does love have to do with it? At the end of the poem we understand that the narrator is so grim because he has lost someone he loves, but I don't see love between the sky and his eyes, which is what is implied here.
"Life sucks" is just a pathetic line compared to the others. Beautiful poetic language full of great imagery followed by..."Life sucks." Meh.
Also you overuse commas - in some spots, like "nothing is so perfect, after you've lost your greatest treasure," they're just not needed at all; in other spots, such as "they match the skies above, when salty water falls from one," they should be something else, in most cases a semicolon.
However, you have a lot of great imagery and you do a good job of setting a dark tone in this poem.
~Blue
A few minor criticisms:
"I am what everyone does fear" reads a little awkwardly, and I think you're okay without the extra syllable. In other words, you could just say "I am what everyone fears" rather than "does fear."
"a deadly kind of love" really makes no sense to me. First of all, what's deadly about it? I mean, unless you mean the narrator is crying so often that it rains constantly, resulting in a second Great Flood/Ark/forty days and forty nights...but you don't really say anything like that. Also, what does love have to do with it? At the end of the poem we understand that the narrator is so grim because he has lost someone he loves, but I don't see love between the sky and his eyes, which is what is implied here.
"Life sucks" is just a pathetic line compared to the others. Beautiful poetic language full of great imagery followed by..."Life sucks." Meh.
Also you overuse commas - in some spots, like "nothing is so perfect, after you've lost your greatest treasure," they're just not needed at all; in other spots, such as "they match the skies above, when salty water falls from one," they should be something else, in most cases a semicolon.
However, you have a lot of great imagery and you do a good job of setting a dark tone in this poem.
~Blue
I think this a great poem, it's a pretty dark but that takes nothing off your writing which is nothing short of beautiful.
Even though the poem is Metaphorical, it brings out a lovely shade of self expression
Well done And Keep writing.