I am the enemy
Why do you not see?
You look at me, I look at you
What is your silent plea?
Your eyes a sorrowful brown
Mine your matching set
Your eyebrows crease, yes!
I am your only threat!
You reach a trembling hand
Towards my tender cheek
As tears begin to clog your vision
My own tears fall; I am weak.
My fingers reach to meet yours
A mirror is what you see
I am your reflection
I am your enemy.
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I agree with Kit, this poem was interesting, but seemed to lack a bit of flow. I enjoyed the whole idea, but you must expand on this idea more. Make us feel the emotion of oneself being his or her own enemy. Show us why you are your enemy. Explain why. Explain your hatred for yourself, your sorrow for yourself--everything that one who is his or her own worst enemy sees. Then this poem will be great. Overall, good job. Keep writing, but expand this idea.
Keep Writing,
dante93
Good effort, there are some interesting ideas here, these are just some main ways to edit.
1) Read aloud, I cannot stress this enough. On the page something can look right rhythmically, but you can never know until you read it aloud if it sounds natural. Ideally if you want to write in traditional meter, the pulse is the heart beat of it, it will have louder and softer beats. The rhyme is the resting point, the resolution, and to stress it in meter usually detracts from the flow. The trick is to make it seem like you just happened to rhyme while artfully creating the line, which is ridiculously hard, and not something I'm remotely good at, but there are a few lines here where the rhyme is dictating the structure of the line, it had to be bent around to make it rhyme. Rule them. You are the poet, they are your toys.
2) Read Omar Khayyam. Trust me, he is hilarious and deep and the quatrain would not be what it is without him. Anyone who can question the metaphysics of the universe and then talk about wanting to get so drunk that people will get tipsy from the fumes of his grave is a man you want to know, even if he's been dead for.hundreds of years.
3) Sharpen your imagery. Get us where it hurts.
Otherwise well done.
Fascinating. This brings many thoughts to mind. It's the Man in the Mirror that does so. I presume this is a poem concerning one's reflection in a mirror? And why would it be the enemy? Perhaps the betrayal of the person's emotions made the reflection so? You have intrigued me with this short yet curious poem. This is wonderful, and I do like your phrasing of words, especially this:
However, even though your grammar and spelling seem to be fine, I feel that there is some awkward phrasing in this:
Even though I realise that you must have meant that the reflection's eyes matched the person, this verse is rather strange (to me). Perhaps you could change it to something more suitable; perhaps 'Mine a matching set'? I am unsure on this, it would be best to get other people's opinions on it before changing it.
All in all, good effort! I hope to read more from you.