Young Writers Society

I actually really love this poem. This tackles a topic that a lot of poets cover, but I've never seen it covered like this. Because you never really get over death. You just live with it. Even when you remember the good times, the memories are all coated in this foggy haze of loss. For a while, you can't even experience anything good without the subtle thought of "I wish you were here for this." You feel guilty for even being happy. It sucks.

Because when someone dies, a part of you dies with them.

Beautiful poem. Thank you for sharing this with me. It truly is lovely.

All my love

Lilith

This was beautiful! I was hooked from "mournful goodbye". I love those two words together. It gave me an overwhelming sense of mourning and sadness, but in a heartwarming way, if that makes sense. Thinking about life in a general sense can be summed up in the first and last words of the poem: "It's bittersweet." Loved reading this and love the breaks in the poem. Lovely job!

I love this poem!!

Love the poem! You really captured the feeling of grief and mourning. Sorry, if I’m asking too much, but did someone close to you die? If so I would like to offer my condoles. I think it is great that you used free verse instead of traditional. In my opinion, it helped bring our the raw emotion and intensity the speaker is feeling. I honestly cannot find many faults worth mentioning. I especially enjoyed the pacing. It did not drag on forever, it was short and straight to the point. You have talent!

Dear Saentiel,
It was great to read this poem. Its a beautiful creation of yours. The pain you feel when someone leaves is clearly reflected in this poem.'It's the endless cycle of “what if”

that mercilessly repeats as you keep thinking back', this line struck me the most. looking forward to read more of yours!!!

What attracted me was ur heading then I started reading it.I was also reading The infernal Devices and somehow this poem struck me. Usually I'm not a big fan of peotry, only stories make sense to me but this one is very peculiar, can't pinpoint what I like about it but it's really nice.
If i were to give some advice, next time make it longer."it's a mournful goodbye they'll never hear"
god, I never thought of it that way, even if you don't wanna say a godbye before they die when they do we wish we did.

Dear saentiel,

Hi, I'm Bailey! This poem is pretty well written, I think. It's all very relevant to the topic, so it doesn't sound as if you are trying too hard to find something to put in. I find that this poem was pretty nice to read, though there's something about it that I can't put my finger on. Perhaps the fact that it's called "Death" although it's not particularly dark in a sense, even though it's about death and mourning. I'm not sure.

Otherwise, it sounds very good. I like the formality of it, and how it's been put together. All in all, it sounds really great!

I'll keep your name in mind when looking for works in the green room!

Sincerely, Bailey Matwiiw.

This is a very well-written poem. The transitions are smooth, the writing heartfelt. The reference to guilt and blaming yourself in the 2nd stanza is accurate. After a death, you're always wondering what you could have changed, and if that would've changed the outcome.

As I read this poem over again, I realize another thing: it doesn't stutter. It doesn't brake and halt like most poems will, and I find that quite wonderful.

This poem instills reflection in me, making me really think as well as feel, and I like that a poem is able to do that.

My favorite lines have got to be the first 2 lines. They sound like water flowing out of my mouth when I whisper them.

Hi there Saentiel! This is Nikayla here dropping in for a review. I might as well since I've already given a bit of my thoughts on the poem and I might as well give the rest. That being said, let's delve right in.

I've already said that this poem is effective at getting the theme and subject matter that it's working with across. This obviously being death. That being said, I wanted to dive a little deeper into the interpretation of the piece seeing as I haven't talked about that. The ending stanza kind of gives this all away for me. The first two stanzas? Sure, they're building up to the main theme but the ending stanza is the main theme.

Those last two lines in particular are what I found unique about this poem--the perspective. Death making memories bittersweet strikes a huge chord with me because it's relatable and true. The reader, if they've had a loved one pass away or even been around the presence of death can get behind that emotion. Doesn't matter who that person is in this piece as much as what the reader gets out of this.

The vagueness of who this is about works in your favor as the audience is easily able to slip into the shoes of the speaker. This poem is not a soft blow. This is more of an uppercut with the first stanza making the point that tombstones aren't an accurate representative of the person or people that passed away, the second makes the statement of the fact that we reflect often and think of all the possible endings and different decisions that could've been made and finally, the third stanza talks about how memories become bittersweet after the person's passed away.

Just saw Lavvie's review, also awesome. Gotten out quicker than this one (I got distracted by talking to Shey actually oops), but I still think that it's your choice as to whether or not you want to make this more personal. I can see there being pros and cons to adding more detail and personal experience, and really it's up to what you're wanting others or yourself to get out of this poem. As a poem that generally talks truths about deaths, this works. However, if you're wanting this to be about a more personal death, then go for detail. Overall, this is pretty solid.

If you have any questions, don't be afraid to ask! I hope I helped and have a great day.

Hi there Mage saentiel!

I think that this poem definitely resonates with many people, since it's an experience that literally every single person experiences: the passing of a loved one. While an easy subject in the sense that every person can relate, it's also really challenging for the same reason, because everyone's individual experience is subtly different.

I think your poem could be a lot stronger if you focused on personal experience. In a complicated way, it will also make it a more personal experience for the reader. As it stands, I read this poem and I'm like, "Yeah. That's true." However, there's nothing that makes my heart twinge with sadness or longing or bittersweet memories. Poetry tends not to be fact or fiction, but rather emotion and the strength of it. I think you would agree, considering one of your latest wall posts! Although it may be a challenge emotionally, I strongly encourage you to sit with your thoughts and think about the moment or the person that inspired you to write this. What makes death unique is often the person lost. I want to hear about your person, because that makes them my person.

I think that the first stanza is a good segue into what I'm pushing you to do. In the third and fourth lines of the first stanza, you write "a stone inscribed with just their name/and none of what made you love them". I think these two lines are very meaningful and I like where you could take them. What is it exactly that made you love this person? Tell me their story, because that's where the personal factor comes in, and that's where the emotion really lies.

I have a question about the form of your poem. You use asterisks in this poem, and through a quick look at your other poems, asterisks also seem to be present. Why do you insist on using them? In my opinion, it does nothing but jar the flow. It's very clunky, as if a brick is plunked down between each stanza. My second suggestion to you is let loose a little bit, and let the poem take you where it wants to, instead of imposing a form that restrains too much. Furthermore, because you seem to follow a similar form with your other poems, it's not convincing as something that is conducive to this poem's unique qualities and potential. In other words, it appears that you may be using this as a template of sorts. While it's not wrong, I don't think it works for this work in particular.

Overall, I think you have something with great potential. Writing about death is a challenge, because encompasses a whole array of emotions that are probably some of the most passionate a human will ever experience. In your case, it's about tapping into those moments that truly make you feel those emotions and not restraining yourself. Go free on the page, and let you emotions take you. I'm a strong proponent of emotional writing, and I think it's a marvelous exercise. I'm really interested to see you if you do anything more with this poem, and I'd be happy to read different drafts later on.

Thanks for the lovely read,
Lavvie