Violence

Karuit's misson

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SUDAN 1985

It was a regular day in Africa. Kariut couldn't sleep. The next day, the Sudanese army would drive through the Savannah to the rebels’ HQ. He was scared, but he eventually he fell asleep. He woke up to his friend yelling, “Come on, it's time to go!” He had bonded with his friend during boot camp. He went out into the blinding African sun. He heard bombs. He heard a fairly young kid talking to his uncle with a group. His eyes adjusted to the sun. He saw now there was a battalion of armored vehicles ready to carry them into battle. Fighter jets roared overhead. He strained to remember his vehicle number. Was it 15? He ran towards the tank.There it was! He opened the hatch and jumped in. His friend was there. Oh no! It was the wrong number. It was 5, not 15, but it was already too late; they were already moving into battle. He carried a heavy machine gun. Kariut opened the hatch and heaved his gun up. It looked like hell itself had arrived. Smoke was everywhere, the boom of artillery and machine guns made a harmony of death. He took out his pair of binoculars and he saw a group of rebels approaching on horseback. He felt bad for them; they should be able to follow their own religion, but they shouldn't try fighting against the government. He fired his machine gun into the horse’s legs. As expected, all of the horses fell. Well the horses fell, but a second squad came on horseback. Before he could shoot, one fired an rpg right into armoured car number 5. BOOM!. If he was in there, he would have died. Kariut saw a great line of barbed wire behind that was the base. He told the General that they had to make it to the wall on foot. They ran through rubble to hide from a machine gunner. The general ran out, but before he could take cover, he was shot. Kariut told the squad he was in charge. He fired his unique pistol, but he missed. It looked like it was the end. Many people were killed from the machine gun. Just when he was going to die, a helicopter launched one man out. Kariut heard a U.S. special ops member would help him. The man asked Kariut and his friend for assistance. They kicked open the door and they hid behind the wall. It seemed like a million guns were firing at them. He looked down, he had a grenade! Kariut threw it. There was no more gunfire. He craned his neck out. The agent said, “The leaders’ room was right down the hall.” The trio ran down the hall. Halfway down the hall a man jumped out and stabbed his friend with a knife! Kariut turned and shot him with his pistol. His friend Pakuru said, “Please Kariut, just kill me! The pain is unbearable!” Kariut looked down at the floor and pulled the trigger. He was so angry, he started to run. He looked to his right and the agent was right there. He said, “Your knife!” Kariut threw it to him. They busted through the door. Kariut started to slide on the ground and shot everyone around. He stopped. Kariut checked how the Agent was doing. He had disarmed the leader of the rebels and stabbed his shirt to the wall. He said to Kariut, “I didn't kill him. I thought you would want to do it for your friend.’’ He pulled the trigger and thought, “It’s over. The war is over.” 

Comments & reviews · 4
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TimmyJake
Review

Timmy here!

So you asked me to review this yesterday, and I didn't know where it was. But then I searched for your piece, and here it is! So here I am to review it as you requested. Tadaaaaa! xD

Onto the review. I think I will just look at the big picture of this whole piece, and stick to the facts. From how I am reading and looking at this - you have the plot down well - it seems to me like you would benefit better from me focusing on the gritty and technical rather than going into the plot and character development.

First thing I noticed when reading this: Gosh, that is a big block of writing! When doing a story, you need to space your thoughts into paragraphs. How do you do paragraphs? It's a rather simple concept, but sometimes it becomes difficult to do properly. I have problems with it, as well. I believe all of us do. With paragraphing, there is a certain style to it - the paragraph length and style varying per writer's style, you know? But there is one thing in common with each of them. Every writer, no matter who they are or what they write, have one idea per paragraph

One Paragraph. One Idea.

That is how it works. So what is an idea, you ask? How do you know when to separate these paragraphs? Again, the concept is quite simple... but can be difficult to carry out properly. Let me show you what an idea is, taken from your writing.

It was a regular day in Africa.


That is a single idea, and should be one paragraph.

Now you're probably confused, because that looks so short. Well, one idea does equal one paragraph... right? So what is the problem, and why is this paragraph/idea so short? The answer is because you haven't pulled apart this idea. It's still woven together into a tight ball, and we readers can't pull it apart because we don't know how. Only you can. You need to take this idea, this regular day in Africa, and show us how it's a regular day. Show us the sky, and the heat. Show us the main character's feelings concerning the weather. Show us the people around him. Show us the scene and the towns. Show us his squinting eyes as the sun beats down on him. Whatever makes this day regular - show us. Tell us what makes this day so regular, because we readers have no idea right now. It's a full idea as of right now, but it needs to be expanded upon and pulled apart so we readers can know what you know - that it's a regular day. In short, you need to explain what you're saying.

One other thing I would have liked to see more of in this story was emotion. Yeah, a bit more of that would have really pushed this story forward and made it more powerful. When writing, don't be afraid to really delve into the mind and heart of the character. That is where your true power lies, making the reader experience and feel what your character does. If your character doesn't feel anything, or you don't show us what he feels, then we readers are reading a story about a drone. If we can't see his emotions, then we have no emotions ourselves. So show his sadness upon his friend dying. Give us a solid reason for why he shot his friend, and tell us why he would do that without thinking. I mean, this is his best friend, and he just goes ahead and shoots him without protesting or trying to see if he can make it. I don't know about you, but instead of shooting my friend, I would have tried to save him for as long as I could, and then just lied his head upon the ground and left him with one final touch on the shoulder to continue fighting. To shoot his friend seemed rather... barbaric and without feeling. Perhaps it's a different culture, but that was the impression I received. And that is the reason right there why you need to give us more character emotion. Right now, what do we have? No emotions or feelings to base the character off of. So what do we do? We just take a wild guess, and try to determine what is going through his mind and heart.

What do you need to do? Tell us what is going on inside this warrior's heart, because that is the only way we can truly come to know who he is. :)

I think you did a wonderful job on this, and I love, love the plot. It was really tense and just a powerful piece overall. I think that with some tweaking and editing and extrapolating, this could be a very good story. Actually, looking at it one more time, I think you could really extrapolate and look more at the details - turning this into a book in the end. Your plot idea really has that much potential in it. This story is pretty darn awesome, you know. :D

Keep writing, and I hope I helped you somewhat here. Sometimes I tend to ramble. ;)
~Darth Timmyjake

User avatar
Burrow
Review
Burrow wrote a review · Wed Nov 19, 2014 10:27 am

Jack here for a quick review.

Firstly I like your idea, but I can not stress enough! split it all up. It is so daunting coming along and seeing this. How am I meant to read a giant paragraph.

Anyway.

I love how intense this is. but you could take this so much further. I don't know what everything looks like. What does he look like. If you get what I mean.

This story has so much more potential if you add more to it.

Go through this and edit the things you need to, the grammar is good, but everything else needs stuff added to it. Also when the guy ask his friend to kill him, explain were the knife stabbed him, it could be in his leg, therefore the pain he would be able to survive.

Anyway great effort, please tell me when you post more!!

Jack

Hi. This is very interesting. You read A LONG WALK TO WATER, didn't you? :P I know you in real life, of course you did. :P HI HIHIHIHIHIHIHIHI. No bad comments. BYEBYEBYEBYEBYEBYEBYEBYEBYE:D :D :D :D :D

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rustytypewriter
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just saying Hi Feel free to criticize!



Turn your demons into art, your shadow into a friend, your fear into fuel, your failures into teachers, your weaknesses into reasons to keep fighting. Don’t waste your pain. Recycle your heart.
— Andréa Balt