For if our all days are gone
We spend and live our years and days as tale told:-
In present yet there is no
Not even a single reality.
When our lives drops away like sweat does,
When we labor for the best
And yet there is none
not even a good thing comes
but only regrets of having labored for the best
when even the loving kindness of our friends
sounds like an empty forlorn sounds
perhaps haunting echoes
when our success seems to be the cause of our suffering
when our presences and efforts means nothing
completely nothing to those around us
when our success seems to lay beneath our present conditions:-
and we are tired of working hard
and our life's bridges seems to have been overpowered
overpowered by our own weights
when our people cant trust us any more
and they sees nothing good in us
and we seems to be beside us
and appear not to be ourselves
ALWAYS remember one thing
there is always someone
someone who is always besides us
someone who suffered for our sake
and that's CHRIST JESUS
remember HIM
thank him every moment of your life
and all will be well
FOREVER YOULL LIVE
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137,849 Literary Works • 672,067 Reviews
Hello!
Stegosaurus here for a review!
This poem seems to be a lovely one, without the matter of no punctuation whatsoever. I liked the beat you have, imagining it as a song someone would sing while marching. Also I am sure most people could relate to this piece (as it seems to be religious and whatnot ). However, I am going to ignore that and continue onto the reviewing.
Throughout this poem, there are some places that need the most help including that of capitalizing some words and decapitalizing others. The previous reviewers brought up some good points as to what should be fixed. Unless you are emphasising something, use caps and if you are making someone yelling. Until then, caps for this poem should be decapitalized. Also, another thing, try re-reading your poems to find the main thought and theme. Try to be in the place of the reader and completely understand you poem in a different view.
Another thing is there is little punctuation. Most poems have punctuation to give off a mood and central thought of the poem. If you re-read your poem, I am sure you will find the certain areas that need to have commas and periods.
Overall, this was a fairly nice piece of poetry. Needs some working on but I'm sure at the end, it'll be perfect. c:
If you like me to go over anything, let me know!
Steggy
Hey! Cello here!
I'll be avoiding content for the most part as I'm not the most religious person so I don't feel that's it fair for me to edit your view of your beliefs.
Agreeing with the previous comment- Very inconsistent with the punctation. I would go and write this poem in a normal paragraph, put normal punctuation, then return it to it's current format. (That's how I always check my punctuation)
You can't start a sentence with 'for'. "For' is a proposition and which relates to things (Therefore needing something on both sides). Additionally, that type of punctuation is ':-'? It looks like half a smiley face that you just decided not to finish.
Wow! You found one of my biggest pet peeves- Using capitalization for EMPHASIS! Especially when IT'S not NEEDED. 'Always' doesn't need emphasis. Nether does 'him'. I could see a point of view where you'd want to emphasize 'Christ Jesus' but please at least do it in italics. 'Forever you'll love' feels plain out of place, plus you forgot an apostrophe.
Interesting poem. Keep up the good work!
-ChocolateCello
Hi. KingQueenKnave here, YWS' most honest reviewer. I have come to take a look at your poem, which- judging by the urgent all caps of the title- promises drama and delivers.
Ok, so first of all, I am an atheist, so the "CHRIST JESUS" segment threw me off and made me awkward because everything prior to that moment was good. The opening lines evoke an image of loss and a lack of hope. Of course, the use of "if" which is repeated throughout shows a logical continuation of the message. Basically, your message is no matter what you go through, your God or your God's son or your series of Gods will be there for you. I'm not a bitter reviewer, so thematically I do not object to the religious nature of your poem.
What I do object to, however, is your grammar and punctuation. Very inconsistent uses of capital letters and full stops make for an awkward read. The use of all caps for "CHRIST JESUS" was unnecessary, in my opinion, because...well, it's Jesus. You lack apostrophes. Also, it is one big block of text, so by the time you get to your main point, I don't care.
This poem was ok, but needs revision on the technical front.
your wording is interesting but it would be good if you could make it rhyme even a little. some of the sentences don't make sense for example *In present yet there is no*
but I do find it good to read.
thank for that. Your tips taken.