Skyrim (A Fan-made story)

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Skyrim: Dawnguard


An aging man sat near the fire place, enjoying the warmth of the fire. His hair was grey like a steel sword forged from pieces of steel ingot while his face was covered with wrinkles.  But his eyes were still fiery red, almost similar to a heated iron. It was the only part of him that reminded him of his youth. 

            He was nearly dozing off when a child called his name from behind. He looked back and smiled when a boy, almost nearing to the age of seven, approached him.

“Grandpa, can you tell me one of your tales?”

“Not today, John. I’m very tired and your mom-“

“But grandpa!”

“Alright, alright. But you’ll promise me that you won’t tell your mother anything when she comes back. Okay?”

The boy nodded and promptly sat on his lap, making himself comfortable as he waited for his grandfather’s tale. The old man paused for a moment, recollecting his thoughts. But the child did not wait for long as his grandfather returned to reality and spoke of the tale.

                                                                              *  *  *  *

            “Before the war of the Stormcloaks and the Empire, there were two good friends, a Nord and a Redguard. Both of them lived most of their childhood memories in Whiterun, a city of glory and honor.  Situated in the centre of Skyrim and surrounded by hills and mountains, Whiterun was seemingly free from the grasp of war, giving those two pals to enjoy their childhood. Every day, they would play together at Wind district and, sometimes, the Plains district. Once, they wanted to go up the Cloud district, the palace of the Jarl of Whiterun, but promptly dismissed it when they saw guards patrolling at every corner of the area. When rumors of the war came by, the Nord wanted to join the Stormcloaks. He was confident that Ulfric Stormcloak, the leader of the rebellion, was the true High King and the descendent of Tiber Septim, the founding father of the Empire. But the Redguard wasn’t comfortable with his friend’s opinion. He thought differently and was worried that this matter might distant their relationship. Things got worse when the dragons began to appear, destroying everything in their sight. Some folks refused to believe the return of the dragons and claimed that it is a lie that spread through out the land. But lies don’t burn down villages.”

            “However, during this time of trouble, a hero arose and put an end to this madness. Alduin, the first dragon to be created by the Gods and leader of his race, was killed by the hero. The war, too, did not last long as the Stormcloaks overwhelm the land and the blood slaughter for the throne finally came to an end, including the dispute between the two friends. Peace finally returned to the land. But not many realized that another nightmare had arisen. The Vigilants of Stendarr, a group specifically created to face the threat of Daedra, was wiped out by vampires, causing inhuman abominations to appear once more on the surface from the darkness of caves and underground tunnels. Like the Oblivion Crisis, this issue must be eliminated immediately before the destruction of Skyrim is inevitable. In retaliation, the remaining members of the vigil decided to form another group. A group which all vampires will fear. The Dawnguard.”

            “The two friends were already young adults back then. They dreamed to serve their land and to protect their loved ones. Filled with enthusiasm and confidence, they joined the Dawnguard. Unknown to them, fate had an unpleasant plan for them. In their daily life, they went patrol from day to night, eliminating all vampires in their sight. When they returned to base, they sharpened the weapons and mended their armor till the moon is at its nigh. When the Sun emerged from the horizon, they would continue on with their duties.  Slowly, the infestation of the vampires decayed and victory seemed reachable. But it came with a cost.”

            “On one unfortunate day, during one of their patrols, they were ambushed by a group of vampires. Outnumbered, many did not survive. The Nord was fortunate to escape the death penalty. But his friend, however, did not. Sad and grieved, he abandoned the Dawnguard and left for Whiterun to mourn over his loss. Sometimes, he could hear his friend screaming his name over and over again whenever he walks the familiar roads of Whiterun. His cries echoing in his ears. Sometimes, he would wake up from a nightmare of his friend being consumed and eaten by the vampires. Although the last vampire was slain near the ruins of Shriekwind Bastion, a month after the Redguards death, the fear of vampires still lurk in the hearts of people till this very day. Many are still not convinced of the Dawnguards claim. Some say that the vampires are still alive, walking and feeding among us. Some say that they stalk their victims and torment them with paranoia and fear. Who knows? And what has become of our Nord friend? The end of his story is unknown, but let’s just says that he had a happy ending. And so, the tale finally comes to an end.”
Or maybe not?

                                                                            * * * *

            The flame in the fireplace was still burning bright with little amber resting near it. The child in his lap laid asleep, showing obvious innocence of his age. He stared at his grandson and smiled, thinking how it would be like if he was at his age again. A young adventurous boy whose curiosity would be exceedingly much. He sighed at this thought and looked up, only to see the wooden ceiling. He whispered to the silence:

“Did you like my story, Thereon? Or is it too short and abrupt?”

“Not bad. I always believe that you will be a great story teller one day. It’s just that the ending is slightly….unfit for the truth.

From the dark corner, a figure emerged. He was dressed in dark robe, similar to a Daedric worshipper. The only difference is the symbolic skull that does not exist upon his clothing but only of a Daedric follower. His skin was pale under the light of the flame scorching in the fireplace. He looked sick, almost as if he contracted the plague. But his eyes were darkish orange, deep and clear like the mirrors of Akatosh temples.

“That’s the purpose of a lie, old friend. To prevent the truth from hurting others. Even if I wanted to, what exactly do I say? I flee from the heat of battle and left my friend behind to be condemned under the hands of abominations? That I allow my childhood friend to be one of them?” He spoke aloud, but quickly stopped himself as his grandchild stirred in his sleep.

“Pardon my words, Thereon. Is just that…I am the cause of your becoming today. The blame is on me and the guilt is unbearable.”

“All is forgiven, Olfir. Let bygones  be bygone.”

Silence returned for a moment before Olfir resumed their conversation.

“So, what brings you here, old friend? It’s definitely not to catch up with old times, is it?”

“Unfortunately not, Olfir. The Dawnguard has taken out our main group. Most of us survived, but only barely. We’re now scattered, finding refuge all over Skyrim. I believe that my time here would be short and my non- existence wouldn’t be long. I’m just here to say goodbye, in case things don’t turn well for me. But before I leave, I have something of value for you.”

As he spoke, he took out an amulet. It was dark black, but the Ruby at its centre was dense red. Olfir took it before recognizing it. He looked at it with awe, surprised to have an amulet made entirely of dragon bone. The Ruby glittered with beauty radiance as the light from the fireplace reflected of it.

“Think of it as a parting gift. Goodbye, old friend. May fortune find you.”

The dark figure went back to the dark corner without making much noise and vanished. Olfir knew that he had gone back to his fellow brethrens. He stared at the amulet in his hands once more and whispered to the silence;

“Goodbye to you too, Thereon, and may the eight divines smile upon you.”

And with that, he allowed himself to slip back into his thoughts with the amulet still glittering in his hand.
 

Comments & reviews · 3
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User avatar
Hannah
Review
Hannah wrote a review · Sun Dec 30, 2012 9:00 am

So! I appreciate that you managed to let me know what Dawnguard very efficiently. You gave the general history of Skyrim very succinctly, and that's a feat to pull off, so congrats!
I also didn't expect him to come out of the darkness, so maybe I'm just naive, but that was cool, too.

Now, my first question is why young kids would have opinions on wars? Disagreeing opinions at that? If they're young, their opinions most likely come from their parents, so what is their parent history? What taught them to have different opinions if their parents were friendly enough to let them be friends, despite the potential for them to disagree as families?

Next, what really happened in that battle? I get the idea that he left his friend to become a vampire, but was it intentional? Or that sort of choice where you don't really have a choice? Or completely unknown? The tone of the occurrence is really important because it defines what the tone will be when they a reunited. I mean that it seems in the story that he didn't really have a choice, but when his friend says he have to FORGIVE him, it seems more intentional. I want to know what really happened.

And lastly, what the heck is this amulet? Why is it important? You stopped the story just when something interesting happened. Is it magic? Significant? What's he going to do with the amulet tomorrow? The next day?

OH, I guess that wasn't lastly.
I want to know why the story-within-a-story is necessary. Why do we have to get the old man telling the story to his kids BESIDES the one moment of surprise when the vampire comes out from the darkness? Might it be more poignant for them to have an extended conversation, the two friends? And we'd get a lot more information about what really happened/ their history or something. They might talk about the deaths of their parents to get back to their childhood.

Anyway, I'd say push on. Discover more.
And let me know if you have any questions!

Sorry about the lack of details. I actually wrote it for my school magazine, but the teacher told me that I could only write my story three pages long. Thanks for your comment anyway. I'll try to improve the story. (P.S. The amulet doesn't exist in the game, I just made it for fun. My plan was to make it as some sort of rare jewelry.)

User avatar
lilymoore
Review

Hello there. We’ve never met but I’m lilymoore and I freaking love Skyrim! In fact, Dragon slaying was how I spent a good chunk of my time procrastinating over finals week. But on to a review. Sorry if it isn’t fantastic. I haven’t reviewed anything in quite a while now.


Your Opening

An aging man sat near the fire place, enjoying the warmth of the fire. His hair was grey like a steel sword forged from pieces of steel ingot while his face was covered with wrinkles.


So, I bolded a couple words up there, “fire” and “steel.” The main thing I wanted to point out was the use of the two words, both very close to each other, and seemingly repetitive. In the first sentence, we already know that he warmth is coming from the fireplace so you could just cut out “of the fire.” The same applies to “steel.” If the sword is made of steel then you don’t have to retell us that it was made from steel ingot. It’s already implied.

The Story

giving those two pals [the opportunity] to enjoy their childhood


It seems like you’re short some words, something similar to what I added in brackets. Without them, or words like them, the sentence doesn’t make clear sense right away.

Every day, they would play together at [in the] Wind district and, sometimes, the Plains district.


“At” is the wrong preposition here. You’ll want to use “in” because they were within the Wind District. Just like with the Cloud District.

He thought differently and was worried that this matter might distant [distance] their relationship.


Like the Oblivion Crisis, this issue must be eliminated immediately before the destruction of Skyrim is inevitable.


You start to drift off into present tense here. Remember that the story is being told from the grandfather’s point of view so it should be told in past tense.

The Nord was fortunate to escape the death penalty


At first this made it seem like you meant the “death penalty” through a judicial system which was a little confusing. “clutches of death” or something similar to that would work a little better I think.

The end of his story is unknown, but let’s just says that he had a happy ending. And so, the tale finally comes to an end.”
Or maybe not?


Since this is still a grandfather talking to his grandson try to work him out of the story a little as you speak. So instead of saying “let’s just say” use something a little more conversational, something less formal. “but I like to think he had a pretty happy ending.”
Also, the sentence “And so…end,” and the sentence “or maybe not?” could both be removed. Instead, I would recommend maybe having the grandfather asking the grandson what he thought of the story, only to realize that he’s fallen asleep. It lets the story wind down and end itself without the over-obvious “THE END.”
The reason I recommend cutting the “Or maybe not?” part is because it alludes to the fact that the vampires aren’t all dead pretty clearly. You’re trying to use foreshadowing which is fantastic but it’s too blunt in this instance. It takes the surprise out of the fact that the vampires are still rippin’ up Riften.

The Ending

He was dressed in dark robe, similar to a Daedric worshipper. The only difference is the symbolic skull that does not exist upon his clothing but only of a Daedric follower.


You’re taking a good deal of time explaining the robe and since the robe isn’t really all that important except to describing Thereon then you don’t honestly need that second sentence. If you still want to retain that information, try combining the two sentences. “He was….worshipper minus the symbolic skull that distinguished the followers.”
But better than what I did and in your words.

I flee [fled][b] from the heat of battle and left my friend behind to be condemned under the hands of abominations?


Just a reminder to note what tense you’re supposed to be in.

Is just that…I am the cause of your becoming today.


I think you’ve got a word missing or maybe the wrong word in the wrong place but there’s something messed up in the wording here that could use some cleaning up.

The [b]dark figure went back to the dark corner without making much noise and vanished.


This is just another spot where I wanted to point out the double- use of the same word, in this case “dark.”




You’ve got a nice, very quant story that peeks in at the private lives of these two Skyrim characters. Overall, I think you have a really nice story that tried to capture friendship in time of war and even between racial differences.

The two biggest things that I saw throughout was that the language could get a little repetitive especially with common words like “when” and “dark” (you used the word dark a lot). Reading the story back to yourself and out loud can help with this however, because you’ll be able to hear and not just see them.

Also, try using resources like Textalyser which can give you some interesting feedback on your writing. We used it in my Literary Criticism class at university and it definitely makes looking at a piece of writing and looking for certain information a whole lot easier like which words you use most frequently as well as phrases you may be over using and all sorts of awesome stuff.

Anyways, if you have any questions, feel free to shoot me a message, I’d be happy to answer.

~lilymoore

P.S.
I’ve been sitting on 666 critiques until today. Hello number 667!

Thank you very much for your advice and also congrats for your 667 critiques!



As ideas are always better than their execution, so too must dough taste better than cookies.
— Horisun