Hi there pkidchick! Just stopping by to review your lovely story (by the way it's awesome that you're getting involved in Show Your Shorts month! Best of luck completing that!)
I'm kind of going to go through and point out stuff as I see it, and then come back to overall impressions at the end. So without further ado,
In the opening paragraph you have a good balance of character introduction, and scenery. Sometimes writers get bogged down when they take a paragraph describing the setting and it feels unnatural or unneeded. Here I thought you had a good balance of description without going too far. One way you did this was by linking the description to the actions that were happening (ie. you described the door because our character was interacting with it, you described the immediate surroundings in relation to the characters etc). One confusion I had in the opening paragraph was in this sentence: "Beside him, Chris released a heavy sigh, shifting to get a better look at his pastor. " it's not immediately clear who the subject is, in other words I wasn't sure if "his pastor" referred to Chris, Gordan, or a third person. So clarifying that sentence would be good. I actually came across this issue a few times where I was unsure who was speaking/being spoken to/who was who.
Third paragraph: I love this description here;
(side note: I think Bible Study is actually two words, generally with Bible capitalized) This subtle introduction of conflict is elegantly done, and I can just kind of picture this character's tone from the way you describe it."Gordan caught the flat tone in his voice, that depression weighing down his words. It'd been there consistently for weeks. At every church service, every biblestudy, and each and every single time anybody interacted with the man, Daniel sulked. "
In the 4th paragraph, I realized I had no idea where the characters were (in a church, in a house, in a meeting room of some kind) I think along with the descriptive elements you already have just clearing up the location would be good to keep the readers from wondering.
I think it's a bit odd that you describe eyebrow movements twice within two paragraphs (5 & 6) - that might just be me though.
I'd like a bit more interiority into why exactly Gordan doesn't declare healing in the name of Jesus, I'd like to have more insight into his thought process and maybe background.
The dialogue in this paragraph seems really judgemental without some of that background knowledge:
knowing some of the motivation behind the words would help Gordan be a more sympathetic character unless that's not what you're going for.""These past few weeks," he began, keeping his voice steady and concise, "you have been showing up at the church, whining and moping and complaining that you're dying, and you don't want to, and this was not the way things were supposed to go, and why haven't you been healed yet?""
I like the last portion, I wonder if you could add some biblical reference to those who go through suffering in the Bible as that might make the claim about it being a great testimony even stronger.
I also think before the last two paragraphs it'd be nice to hear a bit about Daniel's thought process, maybe by incorporating a bit of dialogue from him. What type of man was he? Why was he moved by the Pastor's words? etc.
Overall thoughts
Overall, I think it's an interesting story over a topic that doesn't get covered all that much. I liked that you boldly decided to write a story with Christian themes - very cool! I think a little bit more character development and understanding the character's thought processes would add a lot to the story. I enjoyed reading it though! Please reach out if you have any questions or comments about my review.
Best,
alliyah
Points: 144400
Reviews: 1227
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