Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Other » Lyrical

E - Everyone

Psalm 24

by rosette

A/N: Thanks for dropping by! This was rather difficult to write because it had to rhyme, but I didn't want to take away from what the scripture is actually saying. I didn't do the whole psalm,but I'd appreciate any reviews - specifically on the rhyming, and if it's awkward, or just plain doesn't work in certain areas, etc. :) 

Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.

Is this a review?



User avatar
982 Reviews

Points: 116915
Reviews: 982

Sun Oct 29, 2017 5:37 pm
View Likes
alliyah wrote a review...

Ah Psalm 24 doesn't always get the attention it deserves ~ but it is a very beautiful and comforting one.

Now when re-writing scriptural verses, I normally think it's a good endeavor to try to write it with more modern language. If you're going to ditch some of the original text, you may as well make it easier for the modern reader to understand. To that end I would suggest getting rid of some of the more archaic language or the words that are not as easily understood by people with less experience with the Bible (Selah, wields, thereof, dwell, great account, hath). I'm not sure what version you looked at to transpose this, but comparing some more modern versions like NIV (or even the Message -which I normally dislike-) might give you some ideas on how to go about relating it in a more modern (less like the KJV) version.

Two content questions - I don't see "righteousness" in the version I'm looking at and wonder if that's a bit strong in the 5th stanza -- my Bible says "vindication from the God of their salvation" and I think that the salvation is an important bit in this. Even though it's a Psalm so before the time of Christ it's not all about achieving holiness -- but knowing that God is ultimately just and that we shall have salvation. It's like the Gospel message before the gospels were written. ;) I hope that makes sense.

Another content comment is that the term "Jehovah" is a bit out of place here. That would not be the term used in the time of the psalmists, but is a term invented in the 13th century that people have decided to start using in place of God's holy name YHWH - which we don't know the real way to pronounce because the Jewish writers purposefully took out the vowels. Of course you're free to put in any terms you want into the text as an interpretation I would just say that it's a bit jolting to see the term Jehovah in there like I'm reading a psalm and suddenly the word "internet" or "cell-phone" works its way into the translation. That's of course all my opinion again! :)

The rhyming was a bit of a stretch in a few places -- like rhyming thereof and of, and then rhyming streams with seas. Everything else seemed okay as far as rhyming went, but if you do go back to re-editting I might try to look at ways to make the lines more even so that readers can better appreciate the rhyming at the ends. (When a line is too long or too short, sometimes the rhyme is hard to catch because of the disruption in the flow of the poem -- (stanza 4 & 6 are what I'm referring to here.)

Overall, I appreciated the idea and I hope that you try to do more of these in the future as they're an interesting way to read and relate to the Bible! Well done, rosette!


This Review has been brought to you by Team Werewolves. Happy Review Day!

rosette says...

Thanks for the review!

I use the KJV and righteousness is used in v. 5, which is why I used it here. man, no one was supposed to notice that out-of-context Jehovah xD

alliyah says...

Ah that makes sense for the KJV version! I'm just more used to NIV and NRSV which might be why it seemed a bit formal for me. lol -- it's all good though! :D

User avatar
223 Reviews

Points: 3566
Reviews: 223

Sun Oct 29, 2017 4:41 pm
View Likes
ZeldaIsSheik wrote a review...

Hi, ZeldaIsShiek here for another review on a beautifully written poem that has yet to disappoint me. In this review, I will be going over both the Biblical aspect of this Psalm and its poetical aspect, considering it is a poem. That's all for my introduction, let's begin!

I'm not a very religious person, though I think about the nature of reality and how it came to be quite frequently. I see a lack of logical, scientific evidence for the existence of God, and look at religion more as the only major Mythology that remains popular today, while the others simply died off. That being said, I was sort of religious while I was younger, and I appreciate its existence today as a way to cultivate positivity and peace of mind. This Psalm is very real to me, as it is describing who may enter the domain of the world's founder, God, and who may not. It later describes this question, "Who shall ascend up into the Lord's mount?", suggesting that those who follow his teachings shall be allowed to ascend to a higher state of being and become one with the Lord himself through his teachings. The rhymes all feel very natural and supportive of this main point, and I think you wrote this Psalm in a very traditional style. You truly are a great writer, so use that! That's all I have to say.


rosette says...

Thanks for the review!

A memorandum isn't written to inform the receiver, but to protect the writer.
— Dean Acheson