Cold (But I'm Still Here)

Matisyn

I stood on the brinks of forever, watching the ink black sky above for any traces of my prey. It was a cloudless night with no wind or direction. The streets below my perch were silent except for a few drunken bastards stumbling back to their homes.

My attention was not on them though. I kept my eyes on the stars, waiting for their guidance. Waiting….

A glint caught my eye and I darted my notice to it. I felt a concern rise in me but before I could act on it, Avril Vortex had landed gracefully beside me on the ledge of the cathedral.

She was a slender young woman a few years younger than I, with thick blonde hair that tumbled its way down her back and crystalline blue eyes that were as vivid as a diamond in the rough. Eyes that were unmistakably from the Vortex line of heritage.

“I’ve searched the skies and have found nothing.” She reported wearily. Why did that not surprise me? I kept quiet, unwilling to expose my annoyance.

“You could have been seen, Avril.” I instead replied. She nodded but said nothing. I shook my head. It wasn’t my responsibility to look after Sid’s daughter anyhow. I assumed she knew this much.

Avril crouched down on the narrow ledge with the perfected balance that was famed of her kind. “She won’t make an appearance tonight. Not when she knows you are waiting here.”

I closed my eyes and replied, “What difference does it make? I have nothing better to do.”

Avril sighed and directed her gaze to the skies as well.

Avril was the daughter of my employer. She often latched on to me like a tick because of this, but for what purpose I did not know. Her intentions were shrouded. Nevertheless, she was as much of a threat to me as a Lycan mutt might be.

But her father…

I wouldn’t trust Sid, as wouldn’t most but the man did have my respect and my loyalty. My loyalty until death. Sid had quite literally saved my life and for that, I owed nothing more than that to him. Though he wasn’t the most moral of men, my alignment hardly mattered to me anymore. Nothing mattered. Nothing but revenge.

A revenge so pure that I had sold my soul to guarantee it, so sweet that it remained to this day the only thing I could still taste. This was the only thing that kept me going for almost an entire century now.

“Something wrong?” Avril’s voice brought me out of my own thoughts. She was looking up at me; half concerned and half curious. I tensed.

There was nothing more that could be done on this night. Avril was right; the dragon would not show on a night such as this. So I turned to leave.

“Matisyn, where are you going?” Avril stood.

“Down,” I replied bluntly and stepped off the cathedral’s ledge into a plunging freefall, letting the night wrap and hold me, like an arrow to the target.

I remembered choking on the silence. Choking on my own life that was leaving my body. Choking on the grief of losing her forever.

But the reality can be described with less than pretty words. In reality, I was choking on vomit and blood; a combination of both, as my life swung like a pendulum in the balance between life and death.

I could not pick myself up from that infinite surface. I could not find my way out of this oblivion my existence had become. I couldn’t do this alone. And I didn’t want to live anymore to begin with.

But just before I drifted off completely, I was pulled out of my own nightmare and air was once again forced into my lungs. The pain of that alone brought me back to this world; a world I had obviously left spinning. I regained consciousness, spitting blood, bracing my shaking body on the floor of my prison with my scarred, bleeding hands. I can recall collapsing to the floor in a pool of bile.

At the last possible moment, I caught myself, stumbling to maintain my balance. It was a clumsy landing and though no living creature was there to see my carelessness, I cursed myself all the same.

What was happening to me? I was beginning to lose my mind. I rarely allowed my mind to wander as it just had only moments ago. Those memories remained long since forgotten. Until now.

I shook my head as if to clear it, dismissing unnecessary thoughts, and continued down the darkened street way, intent on meeting with my maker.

I never thought to question Sid. Even if I had, I wouldn’t have followed through with it. No doubting he was mad, robbed of all reasonable thought from endless years of torture. I didn’t care who he sent me to. I would do his bidding because I was his descendant.

Sid did not often question me either unless it pertained to him. He was not one for idle conversation nor was he keen on doing favors. Though sometimes I wondered why he would grant me this second-life, other times I wished he hadn’t.

A curse as well as a blessing. Sid’s will was the will of Fate itself. I could not argue with the path I was now on. Nothing was going to change. Nothing ever would.

I navigated through the dimly lit streets with nothing more but instinct. I felt Avril some ways behind me now, stalking me quietly, but at a comfortable distance. I expected she would follow me, with or without my consent.

Wedged in the center of a row of old brick houses was a pub most folks called The Vampire. It was a rundown fire hazard. A house of outlaws. Those who made their living in the less than honest way of society.

I was a regular to this place.

I invited myself inside, making heads turn and nod at my arrival. The bartender saw me come in and directed me to the stairs on the right side of the room. The rest of them kept silent. I offered them no friendly greetings and wasted no time before I scaled the stairs.

Sid rarely made any appearance in public. For some time now, he preferred to remain anonymous. Most knew his name and his history but hardly anyone could live to say they’d spoken to Sid personally. His social skills were shit to say the least.

So for the most part I conferred with Sid through Avril. Or the Vatican.

The Vatican was Sid’s personal elite force and our numbers were endless. We were the ones that society had cast out; we had no chance of seeing Heaven and Hell didn’t want us. Sid was our provider. Our savior. Our king. We had purpose within the Vatican. We had reason to keep going.

Most of us joined Sid for our own reasons. Everyone had their own motives but nothing that went against Sid’s own will.

I held my own residence within the pub. A three roomed apartment where I kept my things. I rarely ever visited the place these days. I was far too occupied.

I stepped into the office, a smoky room at the front of the hall, crowded with members of our ranks, speaking quietly to one another.

I preferred to be left alone. Never get close to anyone. Never again. I couldn’t care less about what these people did or who they were before life got the best of them. So I kept my distance and took a chair in the corner of the room.

I lit myself a cigarette and leaned back in the chair, observing what my life had become.

Rae, you brought out the best in me.

My heart was as hollow as the veins that pulsed through it.

I watched Avril come through the door on the other side of the room. She noticed me but kept her distance. Like a stray dog I had mistakenly pet, she would not leave me alone.

The men tipped their hats to her and made obnoxious remarks. Fools. She’ll never have you. But she nodded and smiled, friendly to everyone. She moved like a solitary star shooting through the pitch black galaxy.

She whispered my name and I pulled her closer. Close enough to feel her breathing on my neck. Close enough for me to wrap my arms around her and our fingers to intertwine. Close enough for her lips to meet mine and for my mind to go numb with pleasure.

I would have stopped that night. Stopped the moon for her if it had been in my power. I would have gladly stood up against Fate that night if only I had known.

You are my soul, I whisper in her ear and I steal kisses down her neck. And she laughs. A musical sound that I still hear in my dreams, the same dreams I wake up from in a cold sweat, cursing Fate. Cursing my own existence.

I bolted forward out of my own dreams. Avril firmly gripped my shoulder. She was kneeling beside my chair. If anyone noticed my unease, nobody dared comment.

I pulled out of Avril’s hold. “Sorry,” she muttered reflexively. But Avril wasn’t the type to be sorry, not with her family. “You should get some sleep.” She said, keeping her voice low and unconcerned.

Any protest I might have had to that suggestion was clouded out by my own weariness. I found myself nodding in agreement.

She stood and left me to myself, joining a group of men at a table. She didn’t as much as glance my way after that. She respected my need to be alone.

Never had I found myself so distracted. Never since that old forgotten tragedy took place. I never allowed myself to look upon the past. So much to regret and nothing to forgive. I had lived too long.

I left the room. There was nothing for me there to begin with. I don’t know why I would sit in there night after night. I never felt the need to socialize. Perhaps I just desired to fill my time. Or maybe I was curious. I don’t give a damn about the wellbeing of others but their various complications can somewhat intrigue me.

My room was dimly lit by two standing candles, casting dancing shadows across my walls. These candles weren’t lit by me, of course. Someone dared intrude my space.

Long slender arms smelling distinctly of a violet aroma wrapped themselves around my neck, slender fingers tracing my collarbone. Familiar and entrancing. But only for a moment. I jolted from their hold.

“What do you want, Vera?” To face her would mean to face myself. To face her only proved my own weaknesses.

“You grow distant from me day after day.” She spoke and her words wrapped around me, soft and thick like velvet.

“You may recall I owe nothing to you to begin with. My debt has been repaid.” Maybe I only said these words to provoke her but I never could keep her around very long.

“I gave you life, Matisyn. Do not forsake me.”

“You robbed me from a well deserved rest. That’s not quite the same thing.” I smirked, glancing over my shoulder.

She was long legged, red dress accenting every curve her body had to offer. Copper hair spilled down her back, around her shoulders. She was a seductress. My immortal mother and my own martyr.

“What bothers you?” She circles me now and I can feel a cold sensation scolding my body.

“Nothing.” I say. I refuse to let this woman get to me. “It’s not your concern in the first place.” And with this I cannot keep the hiss from my voice.

“But it is, darling. It is because I can feel you fading and I’m afraid this does not please me. Do you know why this does not please me?”

“I’m not fading,” I tell her. But my breath was caught. The air seemed all too still. Vera’s eyes were dancing. “Get out.” I command this, enraged.

“I fear the worst,” she said simply and evaporated to mist, leaving me to face my own darkness.

I didn’t have much longer. My life span was, indeed, ending. My thirst was one that even blood could not quench.

Now what was to become of me?

In the beginning, I welcomed death. I remember how I was wrapped tight in it, embraced in its hold. Only to be wrenched from it. Only to realize that the only thing left living for was a worthy revenge.

And now I knew not how I would accept death finally. It wasn’t the maker I’d meet, for I’d been lost to such a God so long ago. A hollow coffin perhaps is where I’d make my eternal rest. Or perhaps not. Perhaps I’d evaporate, ceasing to exist unconditionally. To be nothing….I did not have to consider it. For nothing is what I was. My body was a vessel, carrying a wounded soul. I was use for nothing but by Sid’s own games.

“Enough,” I spat at the darkness. I could not waste any further time dwelling on the past. It was time to avenge.

The following morning, before the sun was even a circle in the sky. I prepared to leave for Paris.

I packed only what I was able to carry. I traveled lightly, and in most cases I brought more than was needed, if only to look convincing.

I swore to myself that I would let nothing stand in my way. But as I came down the stairs that morning, Avril stepped in front of me, preventing my direction.

“Move,” My voice was hard, but quiet, stern but not cruel. When she did not move, I reached up to push her aside.

And then her hand caught mine. And her eyes glared into mine. Those eyes; the eyes of the Vortex. But her eyes softened and her expression turned grim.

Furious, I pulled away from her. But it was far too late now. She had seen my weakening life force.

“Matisyn,” she spoke but I shoved past her and out the door. I hastened my way through the streets. I could not miss that boat. I had one chance. One last chance to make things right.

But as I reached the harbor, about to ascend the ship ramp, someone caught me by the shoulder and spun me around.

“I’m going with you.” Avril said.

“No.” I said simply, pulling away from her. I was growing impatient with her persistence.

“Matisyn, you can’t do this on your own.”

“Walk away, Vortex. This is not your concern.”

I heard her stiffen. “You have no business telling me what I can and can’t do.”

“I have to do this alone.”

“What are you running away from?” She pleaded with me.

“You wouldn’t understand, Avril! Now go home!” I half-shouted. A sharp pain retaliated through my whole core, leaving my chest tight and my head spinning. I braced myself on the rail but still glared hard at my pursuer.

She returned the same cold look but her words were soft, meant to soothe. “I cannot let you do this alone. Whatever you are planning, I feel I must be a part of it.”

I sighed, half-laughing, exhausted from my episode. “You don’t know me, Vortex. And for the record, I don’t care what you feel you must be a part of.” The ship called for its last passengers now. “I have a ship to catch.” I said, once again ascending the ramp.

“Wait,” Her voice was short; sharp. It let me know that she would not say what she was about to say again.

I turned, descended the ramp several steps and came face-to-face with her. “What?” My voice was quiet. Though I tried to keep it level so that onlookers would think we were civil.

She sighed, heavily. Something burdened her conscious. “I may or may not be able to help you find her. I cannot promise such a thing-“ Her voice trailed off. Cut. Her eyes were distant, not on mine but on the water crashing up at the docks edge.

I stared at her trying to translate. Her? There could only be one.

“What are you saying?” I asked quietly. I stood firmly on the ship’s boarding ramp. I’d be sure that they wouldn’t depart without me. How could she know? How could she know of her.

The question made her tense, made her seem small, like a child about to be pricked with a syringe. Her eyes told of some….fear she was preparing to present to me.

“I cannot promise you a thing.” She said, slowly, choosing her words carefully. “But I might be able…to find her.”

The positive clearness of what she had said made my knees weaken. “Raechell? How do you know her?”

Avril shook her head and there was one last call for boarding passengers; the ships crew was demanding for me to either board or leave.

I fought off the urge to take Avril by the shoulders and shake her, to demand an explanation. Instead my arm snaked around her waist and led her up the ramp.

Like it or not, I would have an accomplice.

Child or not, Avril knew something I could not guess.

Conscience or not, I was not yet heartless.

Avril

Our ship skidded across the waves like the rising moon coursed its way through the cloudless evening sky. We had been boarded now for nearly a day. We’d been silent even longer.

“You must answer my questions.” When he spoke, it seemed he was not speaking to me but through me, to the open air, for he did not face me.

Matisyn leaned over the ship’s rail, his eyes set on the horizon, fully anticipating our arrival in Paris. In his right hand, he held a lit cigarette, his third since the sunset. On his left, an onyx ring gleamed, reflecting the last fading light.

I found the will to speak. “Ask,” I said, though I was not at all prepared.

He turned then towards me, eyes heavy and absent, but his posture casual; cool. “Who am I?”

The question he presented to me, I fully expected to hurt, but the one he asked instead, caught me off guard.

My words, if not carefully watched, could get me killed here. “I know nothing of you.” I said, praying he could understand. “I know you are called Matisyn…and you work for my father.”

When he moved towards me, I cringed but his words were soft when he whispered in my ear, “What all could you know of me?”

My bones suddenly ached and I felt an unpleasant chill course through my being. “What would you want me to know?” I asked cautiously.

He smiled slightly, to himself. “If I let my guard down, what could you tell me?”

I understood now. I knew things that he had long since forgotten. He wanted me to find the part of him that was missing.

He let down his shields but not comfortably. He was uneasy; modest, as if he was stripping down for all to see. Like he was exposing an open wound to the sunlight.

But underneath all his venom, there was something beautiful; a soul kept untouched. A heart that had taken far too much damage to withstand alone. He was dangerous as he was, for he was a contradiction of existence; neither living nor dead. He would have to remain perfectly tranquil if I was to read him. Otherwise, if there was such retaliation, it could kill us both.

Mortals were easy to read for they hardly recognized my power. For Matisyn, I had already violated him once but that’s all I ever dared. Now he asked me to, despite his unease.

I took a deep breathe, allowing myself to relax slightly. “This could hurt,” I warned. I hoped he’d change his mind.

“Fine,” he said. He stood straight, calm. Brave as I could hope for. And I shaped a thread of my own power and coursed it through his soul. He flinched hard as my cold power swam through him, taking the control I knew it would. I half-feared he’d raise his own power now to fight this but he remained standing in front of me, eyes closed, face paler than it had been moments before. I closed my own eyes and entered the soul of Matisyn Krüshtoff.

I found him first in the cellar of a man I only half-knew. My curiosity could have killed at that age. Sid was a mystery to me and I was fascinated with him. I also hated him at that time but I desperately wanted a father.

Once, when he was out, my feet guided me into the cellar, a place forbidding of my presence. Sid’s workshop. He spent countless hours down in these hollow chambers but for what purpose I did not know.

Sid was half-crazed. No one could deny that. Something dark and foreboding called to me in the nights from somewhere deep in the heart of the manor. Someone sobbed heavily. Anguished and deprived. My imagination told me it was Sid himself, grieving over some silent mystery he kept all to himself. But as I descended the narrow steps down into the pit of the chamber, I heard a shallow, inhuman break of emotion. Pain I could feel within the next breath. That’s when I found him, caged in a cell, chained to a wall. His eyes glazed white, spilling black tears, his flesh scorched and ripped.

Monster...

His rib cage had convulsed unnaturally forward, like an animal, His mouth was caked with dried blood. He was beginning a painfully slow process, contorting his human features into those of a demon.

My absolute fear and perhaps my own conscious held me there frozen. If I had expected anything from Sid, it could never have been this.

I knew by only instinct that this experiment was a failure. The body lay motionless, dying. I could feel the spirit within but it was so frail. Still it was all I’d need.

I do not know what possessed me to do so but I instinctively unlocked the cell door and released the chains holding him to the wall. I then forced my power into him, knowing full well that doing so could destroy us both. With the sheerness of my power now forging a new life within him, he suffered extreme convulsions, writhing on the floor of his prison as I persisted to feed him life.

Then he stilled, breathing slow. And I could do nothing but back away, tears streaming and head aching. Matisyn was his name. And I now knew him well.

I released him suddenly. Quite suddenly, sending a pain like fire to my head. I stumbled back, catching myself on the rail. Below me the sea swelled and churned, breathing steady, beating against our vessel like a hollow drum. Matisyn gasped, released from my hold, but maintained his balance. Color slowly returned to his face.

“What?” he asked seriously.

I shook my head. “Nothing. I just lost focus.” We both waited for me to ground myself. Then I dared speak again. “Raechell. She’s your lover, is she not?” I knew the answer.

“Yes, was.” He answered.

I nodded, accepting his honest, though blunt, reply. “Was then?”

“She’s dead.” The words were forced from him and they seemed to linger a moment too long. “Surely you knew that.” He gave me somewhat of a smirk to soften the air.

What Matisyn didn’t know is that I never actually went look for Raechell. I had no traces of where to start. To find someone in the alterworld, something had to have been left behind. But besides Matisyn himself, there was no evidence, no trace of her ever even existing.

I sighed to myself, considering this. Then I looked at Matisyn, who had returned to his rail, lighting up another cigarette.

“What are you intending to do?” I asked boldly. “If you want my help, you must be honest with me. I do not have much of a clue as to what your plans are, though I’m sure they involve some suicidal approach.”

He took a drag from his cigarette, closed his eyes. Took a breath. “I plan to take my revenge.” Vague and obvious.

((Serious critique is always appreciated!))

*The character "Rae" belongs to ConformandObey_ItsFun

*Matisyn Krushtoff belongs to me.