DO I
Engaged in some work
heart goes to say, Do I
Allow to do so, mean crises
But already in fear of prices
Goes up and up , day by day
And heart says Do I ??
Made it hard , to feel
Her in temple to heal
Brought me up, was it
Realised, they were my dreams
Dream to fly, Dream to try
With all my nonsence
Got some patience
And heart says Do I ??
Devip of patience , makes me fall
Told him not to rise so tall.
Give me some time, else be trace
And got some time to praise
And heart says Do I??
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Hello.
Interesting title and nice format, clever rhyming too. I see it's satire, but, for some weird reason, I didn't understand much of this poetry. Don't think I'm being rude or anything, :3 but at many points, I think you've tried emphasising the rhyming even though it doesn't make much sense and doesn't flow nicely.
I think what you've tried to convey is, people often do and/or say things which is somehow meaningless and even then they try convincing themselves and others that they know what they're doing when actually they don't and that, creates contradiction.
I believe that's what your poetry's about. And, you've asked the same question with "Do I?" over and over again to highlight your point.
That's how I perceived your writing.
Now, there are places where the lines just don't seem to fit in. Look this for example,
Yes, I understand that it's saying, you're engaged in your work or just pretending to be but you actually aren't! But, the format just doesn't seem to be OK. I hope you're getting me, eh? ^^
I think you meant "crisis" in the first line. But, here too, I feel like you've forced to make it rhyme! :3 Yes, for poets, some of them, rhyming is very important. But, when it is forced, rhyming loses its beauty. Rhyming is fun but just don't make it sound artificial. And, the repetitive use of "Do I?" is bit overwhelming. :3
I think you should rethink about the rhyming, the plot and rewrite it, probably? Just a friendly suggestion
Have a great day!~
Wow, this feels very rhythmic and almost like a song. My brain seems to put emphasis on the DO Is. I actually liked this. It feels like there's a message in here, but it's so cleverly hidden. It's actually quite neat and artsy in a way. It's especially cool how you return to the 'DO I' part. It doesn't even look out of place, which is great. Keep it up and never stop writing!