My anger seethes through. Everything I have ever thought has led up to this moment.The day that I could confront the person responsible for my mothers death. It takes all the control I possess to not jump out and attack him. My mind wanders to what I would do if I could let out all my anger. Instead I let it build. I let it manifest. If I find any reason to suspect him of any wrongdoing, I will not hesitate to attack.
Rhys looks up from his work and he looks afraid. "Hello, Gwen. What brings you-" He sees Midas. "Nice to see you again Midas." He turns to me, "Brand." and also acknowledges my siblings. "Vera, you've grown up into such a beautiful woman. Kai, you look strong. I remember when you were little and your wide eyes when you first came to the Cavern."
My father has a friendly look upon his face. "Hello Rhys. It's been a long time. Since Tyrah's unfortunate passing. It's good to see you again. We have a lot of catching up to do."
"We do indeed. Shall we go somewhere to talk?"
"I think that would be best." My father replies. I notice an almost ominious tone to his voice. It lingers for a moment then disappears.
Rhys turns to Gwen to give instructions. "Gwen, could you show them to the Council room? If the Council wants to begin the meeting, they can. Midas and I won't be too long." After Gwen nods displaying her understanding Midas and Rhys walk off together leaving myself alone with my siblings and Gwen.
I think about the many things that they could be talking about. Could Rhys be admitting everything? Could Midas be confronting him? Could they be actually catching up? Only time will tell. Gwen interrupts my thoughts, "Brand! Are you coming?" I realize now that they are already on the move toward the Council's main chamber.
I speed up to catch up to them. I avoid running into a couple of trees and caretakers on the way. They give me stern looks, and I feel slightly guilty, but not enough for me to express this through voice. I finally catch up to the group and Kai and Gwen are talking.
"How old are you, Kai?" Gwen asks.
"I'm 21 rings. and you?" Kai says the last part hesitantly.
"Don't you know not to ask a womans age?" When she sees Kai's face obtain a flourished blush, she laughs. "I'm kidding! I am twenty seven rings old. At twenty one, shouldn't you have moved out by now?"
"I can't afford it. It pains me to say this, I cannot get any job besides working for my father. I enjoy helping him, but it doesn't make me any money. All it does is guarantee his support until I can afford to live on my own. My mother had a special way with the crops he grows. Especially his dried wheat and barley. He sells half of his harvest as the product and I'm not entirely sure what he does with the rest."
Vera cuts in to the conversation, "I know what he does with the straw! He spends his time in the room with the spinning wheel, and he spins it into gold. Our father has the magic touch to turn anything he wants into pure gold. At least, it seems like it. I've watched him do it on multiple occasions. He hasn't ever seen me, but it's still really cool."
"Are you sure father can turn straw into gold?" I ponder "If he could do that, wouldn't we have better lives and be able to actually afford this trip?"
"I've seen it with my own eyes! Of course I'm sure!" Vera has a very accusatory tone in her voice as if I have deeply offended her.
"Stop arguing you two. It's bad for the trees." Kai counters. "Anyways, that's why I have yet to move out. When did you move out of your home?"
"I think that's very kind of you to stay to help your family out." Gwen says oblivious to what Kai actually said. If she had been listening closely enough she would have heard that he has no choice in the matter. He would leave if he could, but father needs too much help for him to leave. So, I guess, she is correct in her statement. I completely overthink things.
She continues on,"The summer after my twentieth ring. My Dad had fertilized a woman from another tree family and my mother was very distraught. She didn't know what to do so she went and poisoned my fathers tree. She took the rest of our family out of the house one night and lit it on fire. My mother then told me I was adopted, and that my real family was out there somewhere. That was the day I knew I could never look back and I needed to leave. So I went on a long adventure. I walked from village to village, looking for work. I got a few caretaking jobs in different villages, but I would always be let go after a few weeks for some stupid reason. 'You have helped us as much as we need. You may go.' to 'You can to bigger and better things. We don't want to hold you back any longer.' Granted, it was kind for them to to think of the long run, but I hated them all in those moments. If I saw them now, I would thank them because I stumble upon this job one day."
Gwen takes a slight pause to get her story in order and to direct us to where we were headed. We have been walking for a while now and we stop right outside of the Council room. She tells us to sit down on these metal stools so she can continue telling her story.
"Where was I?" She regathers her thoughts, "I was walking toward the Cavern,but at the time I didn't know it was the Cavern. By this time I had passed my 21st ring. This man was in pain, he had been stabbed in the shoulder. My experience working many different types of jobs gave me the skills necessary to help him stop the bleeding. I acted swiftly, mending the wound, and carried him to the nearest village. He was all patched up and they said he would be alright. I stayed with him that night, watching over him to be certain everything was okay. When he woke up, I realized his beauty. He had sparkling green eyes and fiery red hair that held a beautiful contrast to his eyes. He looked strong, but not too strong, just enough to have the appearance of muscles without the overwhelming look of a bodybuilder. The man then spoke softly Who are you? 'My name is Gwen.' I replied 'Who are you?' My name is Charlie Bonsai. I am the leader of the Council at the Cavern of Life. You saved my life,and for that I am forever indebted to you. How could I ever repay you? You don't have to do anything for me. I was just being a good person. I must do something for you. A job perhaps?"
Gwen takes a pause from her story. She smiles with glee and speaks directly to us instead of in the past. "That was the most exciting moment of my life. He gave me a job. I was the first person hand picked to work here at the Cavern. I don't enjoy being fake with people, that's why the facade I'm supposed to put up rather annoys me."
After she finishes her story I ponder her story. I think about how she seems like somebody who just wants to feel accepted. She needed to feel loved by someone who she can consider a father type figure. Someone better than her actual one,because her real father was a pretty crappy man if he fertilized another woman while connected with his current woman. It's sickening. Gwen seems like a kind person. I send a prayer up to the Great Tree for her well being.
The Great Tree would be the closest thing we have to a deity. The Great Tree has parts of all of our souls inside. Each member from every tree line has a connection to The Great Tree. Every single one. It's an indisputable fact that some still are hesitant to believe because it is something that sounds so incredibly impossible. The Great Tree is what we ask for guidance. We all have replicas in our houses, at least the ones who believe that is.
There are the believers in the Great Tree and then there are those who don't. Some are very devoutly against it, and others have the divine gift of sight. I'm not saying the nonbelievers are bad people. I am even skeptical myself about what the tree can actually do. There is no doubt in my mind that the tree is magical and connects us all. But some people believe that the tree can ressurect people from the dead, and that is simply not possible. Trust me, I have tried.
If the Great Tree actually could do this, my mother would be here with us admiring the trees and the family crests and listening to Gwen's story. Midas would be with us and we would know the truth about Rhys and his involvement in her original death. If I could know the truth, I would do anything to find out. My mother is that important to me. I may believe that Rhys had something to do with it, but it could be anyone in reality.
I cannot lay blame on someone without concrete proof. Evidence is key when convicting someone of this harsh of a crime. For now, all I have is rumor after rumor. I know that each rumor has some hint of truth in them and the more I here them from different people that have no connections, the more I believe that Rhys is guilty.
But for now, I must keep an open mind. For Rhys is talking to Midas now. If my father had a suspiscion, he would find out the truth. So, if Rhys had anything to do with this I would find out soon enough.
Gwen woke me from my intense thought "Brand, the Council is ready to see you."
We enter a room that looks completely different than everything that the Cavern has looked like so far. Instead of stone surrounding the walls, it's metal. We created this addition to the cavern. This is not natural. We messed with nature. Something tells me that this is not something good.
The room is filled with technology like I have never seen. Foreign items I have never laid eyes upon. It's strange to see everything I read in history class about televisions and computers and cameras, and to see them up close and personal. I don't know how I should be feeling, excited or shocked, in awe or in disgust. We learned that these instruments were poison to the minds of everyone all those years ago. They corrupted each person until there were none any longer.
The first things we learn in our classes was the extinction of humans. They look similar to us, and had a slight dependence on nature, but not nearly as much as we do. They killed nature, the very thing they needed to survive. They made difficult decisions that cost them in the long run.
Now we hold a special connection to the trees, the most sacred of all nature. Each tree is special, and we all treat them with the utmost respect. The extinction of humans, although tragic, brought up the beginning of our era. The time of the trees. Connectiveness. Everything had led to the moment when we would be the species inhabiting Earth.
Sometimes I wish I could meet a human, but with how selfish they are, I second guess myself. I don't actually want to have to experience the atrocities they could very well commit.
Each person in this room is so important that I don't even understand how we are supposed to act. These are our Council members, and the Council's most trusted lackeys. I feel like I should bow, or something to show my respect, but nobody else is so I don't either. I wait for them to make the first move. I am woefully unprepared for this meeting. I am too busy freaking out to realize that the Leader has requested we sit down. Vera nudges me in the side and whispers, "Brand! You're being rude! Sit down."
I look around swiftly and notice my mistake and I sit down as quickly as I possibly can. The leader begins to speak, "Hello Maple family, minus the father Midas. I am sure you are all wondering why you are here today." When we all nod he proceeds. "I see that you are all a curious bunch. That makes sense knowing that you are Tyrah's offspring. So, as you know, when your mother passed we could not afford to pay for you to mourn her here at the Cavern. We are deeply apologetic because of that unfortunate circumstance and we wanted to make it up to you in the best we can. We have the ashes and dust from her final days. We wish to give it to your family for safekeeping." He hands the ashes to a computer tech and he hands it to Kai. He holds it carefully.
"That's not all though, we also have a proposition to make for two of the three of you. Vera, we have seen your future, and we wish to help you change it. We will discuss the details further but we want you to live here at the Cavern and work for us in our special facility." He pauses waiting for a response. I nudge her to elicit a response.
She snaps out of her daze "Must I decide right in this moment? May I speak with my father about it first?"
"I don't see your father right now dear. But I'm feeling generous. I will give you until I talk to your sibling. You must decide by then." He turns to Kai. "I want you to join our army of sorts. You are strong and determined and more importantly for you, we will pay you and your family enough to move to a bigger house."
Kai's face illuminates with intense joy. "Woah. I... I am speechless." He speaks as if the wind was knocked out of him. "I... Of course I want to do it! Anything to help my family!"
"I'm glad you see it this way. You will move in with us next week. We will give you time to gather your belongings from your village and say goodbye to anybody you may have made connections with. It is important that you cut all ties with everyone. Even your family. You will be reconnected with them in a year, when you are discharged for a couple months."
"I only get to see them that---" He cuts himself off. "Anything for my family, I guess."
"That's a good philosophy Kai. We are happy to have you joining us. If you could follow this woman to the back room, I would like you to sign a few papers to make things official and everything." He looks almost cynical. His smile has a slight edge to it that is reminiscent of someone familiar. I push the familiarity to the back of my mind as I watch my brother take the womans hand and disappear from my sight.
"Okay Vera. You must--" In the middle of his sentence a man rushes in out of breath and whispers in Charlie's ear. The color in his face drains out.
I can see that this is bad news. I am not going to like what I am about to be told.
He grimaces. "Brand, you aren't going to like this. Nobody can find your father."
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Hi roeckercody!!!
Final thing I really liked, is the suspense you put into this. You ended this chapter perfectly, and if this was an actual book, I could not stop turning the pages! I don't have anything to critisize on this, which is always a good thing. I can't wait to see what else you do with this. On to the next one!
I LOVED THIS!!!! I could not look away. Once again, your idea is genius, and I really enjoy how you have done this. I like how you have the idea of the father spinning straw into gold, like Rumplestiltskin. It wraps around to something familiar, which is very fun and comforting for the reader. I also really enjoyed Gwen's character. She is a girl who won't let anything slow her down, and won't rest until she accomplishes her goals, and I love that. Team Gwen all the way!
Hi, I just had to read some more of your story.
In the first paragraph you say "...I let it build. I let it manifest." Manifest means to display, to show. So, if he is hiding the anger, he does not let it manifest.
I noticed a few other things, though they were too minor to address.
I really like how you have tree analogies for almost everything. Also, It is great how you told the story from two different perspectives, and made them take place in parallel in the same timeline. And it is amazing how Brand knows who the killer is, but does not know that his father conspired with the killer against the mother.
There is smooth transitioning between scenes, and I liked it how the time when they walked to see the Counsel Gwen talked and gave the readers a great way to see the time pass for the characters.
Keep up the good work!
Hey there! Lefty here for review number 3!
This was an interesting chapter and I can tell that the story is already escalating quickly, building and building to make the story more interesting and complicated. Generally it's good to have the storyline start within the first few chapters, so nice job with that. Now, for a couple nitpicks:
1. You have "to" twice.
2. It was kind for them to think of me in the long run.
To where we are headed. Not were. That's a past/present tense thing.
I think it would make more sense if it was: "and those who are not" to stay consistent with the beginning of the sentence.
Just a bit of repetition there I thought I'd point out.
Okay! That's about it for the nitpicks! Definitely some interesting things going on. I really like Kai. He seems like an awesome guy. I'm curious to know what Brand is going to do with all of these changes. His siblings leaving to do jobs he dreamed of and now with his father missing? That's a lot for him to wrap his head around! Nice story building there!
I found your talk about the past and humans going extinct and old technology to be really interesting. I'm really glad that you went into that a bit. It helps us understand the world they are in a bit better and now we know they aren't in a different fantasy world, it is our world just changed in the future. Cool!
Nice job on this chapter. There really isn't anything specific I can put my finger on that I think you could improve on. Just reading and writing, really. Reading is definitely helpful in improving your writing style and learning about how other people have done things and how you can do things. I think it helps a lot. And of course, keep writing!
-Lefty
Hi! Here for a review!
First off, I have not read the first two chapters of this. My review is going to be mostly grammar and sentence structure stuff because of that.
This sounds awkward. The sentences are all short in length and therefore makes the paragraph a bit choppy.
This is a general comment for all of your writing- there should be a comma after "face" before the quotes. This applies if you've got a descriptive statement after someone speaks too. For example: "Hello Rhys," my father said.
At least this is what I was taught. I've seen some authors work that don't use this all the time, but in most cases, this is how it should be written as far as I'm aware.
This should read "After Gwen nods, displaying her understanding, Midas and Rhys..."
The "and" should be capitalized.
If working for her father doesn't make Kai any money, how will she ever be able to afford living on her own?
Why is she just telling this random girl about the fact that she secretly watches her father turn things to gold? Wouldn't she be worried that Gwen would tell her father? And wouldn't she be worried that the things she's saying could get her father into trouble, if he has to do these things in secret?
This paragraph seems a bit unnecessary. Your MC comes to the conclusion that basically everything he (your MC is male right?) just thought was basically just overthinking the situation. As far as I can tell from this chapter, this overthinking doesn't further the plot or character development in anyway, so I don't believe its needed.
This seems like really personal information for her to be sharing the first time she meets these people. Maybe it isn't the first time, and I'm missing things from the first two chapters, but it seems to me like this is an introductory meeting. Normally, when people meet, they don't spill their entire personal history with someone. Possibly because these people aren't human, like you described, they have a much more informal culture? It just seems a bit much to me for a first meeting. Especially if the trees are as sacred as your MC is describing, wouldn't admitting your mother burned down your father's tree be a huge offense? Sorry if I'm missing a lot of important information with this, but I was just a bit thrown off by Gwen's character development.
If these items are so terrible, why are they just out in the open like that? Wouldn't they be locked away or something, so that people couldn't just stumble in there and take them?
How does your MC know that this person is a computer tech if they've never seen anyone using technology?
This repeat in phrasing makes these sentences sound awkward.
Overall:
I really like the ideas you have about the humans and the religion you created with the great tree. These people's connection with nature is something I think a lot of people these days can connect with, because a lot of people are realizing that a dependence on technology is not necessarily a good thing. I really like where you're going with this, and if you fix a few of the inconsistencies, you'd have a really good thing going.
Last nitpick: work on your sentence variation. You've got a lot of short sentences. If you vary the length of your sentences within each paragraph, I think that would help the flow of your story.
HopelessAbandon