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Young Writers Society



The Tree People (Working Title) Chapter 1

by roeckercody


Brand

The iridescent glow of the sun leaked into my room the day of The Gathering. The Gathering is when each family in our village travels to the Cavern of Life. The cavern holds our sustenance for living, the trees that are planted the day of our birth control our lives. They are what dictates how long our lives last, as they are our life force. We are connected to our trees, they become a part of us from the moment we are born and the tree is planted.

As the trees die so do we. The way the trees die are still unknown. Sometimes they wither naturally and there are other times where their beauty diminishes earlier that expected due to some unexplainable circumstances. We as a society, as a people have yet to figure out why or understnad fully the extent of these tragedies. It also seems that more and more each year have been withering sooner, and that frightens me. My family's trees have always been stronger than other lineages, but my generation has had more than ever before. For every ten people in a family line, three of those people will diminish their life supply before their time, and two will die of unknown circumstances with no warning. My family is one of the rare occurences where this has only happened once out of our entire family. Even though my family is large, larger than most, we still had better luck than the majority.

My mother whom was very strong-willed and independent was the first to die before their time. Her name was Tyrah, pronounced Tier-ah, and she was the loveliest woman I have ever met. She worked inside the caretaking unit inside of the Cavern of Life which is one of the highest respected jobs in our society. She, however, was not as respected as her title was due to the lowliness of her husband, my father, Midas.

My father is a farmer by nature which was never respected because most people did not believe in containing animals and holding them against their will. He was good at what he did but we are so set in our ways, unwilling to change, that he was overlooked. He had a burden cast down upon him so deeply enrooted into our beliefs that my mother couldn't bring him out of the hole.

Each and every family line has a specific type of tree that represents the life they will live, where we must live, the type of magic we possess, and more. My family's tree is a maple tree. Along with the tree we also have a family crest, or seal. Our crest has a maple leaf and in the center a barn owl looks to have hollowed out the maple leaf to live inside of it. This is very significant to my family because the owl represents the wisdom of my lineage and the leaf represents the simplicity of that all falling apart quickly. I always loved our crest because it was so elegant and yet so frightening. It didn't hide the truth from us and instead taught us a great lot.

This morning was especially beautiful in comparison to all of the other beautiful days. The Special Days always were brighter and allowed hope to seep into our minds. Out of all the Special Days, this was the most important, we get to see our trees, ours. This is only the second time I have gotten to make this journey, not that I would remember the first one, because after mother passed we couldn't really afford the trip.

The Council finally gave us some money so we would be able to take this trip. It makes me really happy that a few years after mothers death they decided they can finally give us what we were owed. This gives me the opportunity to learn and actually see the Cavern, and remember it. I might even be able to get a job inside which would be a dream come true. I could follow in my mothers footsteps and regain respect for my family. Just thinking about this made me anxious, and I just couldn't wait to go so I went and grabbed the rest of the family.

My father didn't want to leave yet because there were still a bunch of crops to be harvested as it was that time of the year. So I went and grabbed my brother and my sister. My brother's name is Kai, and my sisters is Vera. Kai is 21 rings and Vera is 17 rings leaving me the middle child at 19.

Although I'm the middle child, I was always in charge of waking up my siblings. I had always been more punctual and was more of a morning person than pretty much anyone I had ever met. I moved quickly over to where Kai sleeps as he takes longer to wake than Vera and Vera is more crabby the earlier I wake her. "KAI! WAKE UP! IT'S THE DAY OF THE GATHERING.", I yell at him as I shake his body hoping to wake him up out of the slumber he is constantly in.

"What do you want?" Kai mumbles in response, not even half-awake at this point.

"I need you to wake up. We need to help Dad finish harvesting the crops real quick so we can get moving towards The Gathering!" I hastily reply.

The covers rustle and Kai slowly picks himself up out of his bed and heads over to his dresser. Immediately when I am sure he will get himself ready, I make my way ot Vera's room. The house we live in is completely made out of anything but wood. We make it our mission to preserve the trees as much as possible because of the importance they hold to us and our lives. Vera's room is very large, as the youngest she was given some special treatment, mostly because she was theonly girl, and less to do with her age.

Because we live very minimilistic lifestyles her room is her bed a small bookshelf that is enchanted. The only exception we have to ourhatred of things made of wood is when it is an object such as these. Verahas her bookshelf, I have my owl, and Kai has a wolf figurine. We all believe that there is a significant reason that this is what was made out of our mothers tree.

A bookshelf, from what we know, represents a thirst for knowledge and that Vera will forever be scholarly and learn continuously. A wolf represents fierceness and strength.We believe Kai got this one because he has always been one to stand up fot the rest of us. He has always been protective of his family. I received the owl, which has been known to give wisdom to all near to it. There is another legend where an owl represents destruction but because I've always enjoyed the first one better, that's the one I choose to believe.

When I approach Vera's room I see that she is already awake which is completely surprising. Vera looks up from her bed where she was studying the patterns engraved on her bookshelf. "I'm up already Brand. You don;t have ot always check in on me you know. I can get myself out of bed." She says this partially to defend herself and also to hide her excitement that she also has on this day. She walks past me and goes to another part of the house.

This was her first time travelling to the Cavern of Life. The first time we went she was only a few years old and being as young as she was, we didn't think it was time for her to experience the gloriousness. I had been six at the time so they assumed I would be able to remember the trip vividly, but this was not the case, I don;t remember anything accept that this Cavern is a gigantic mesmerizing placeand I was so excited to be able to experience it yet again.

My heart beat faster and faster as the time approached for us to travel towards the Cavern. After I had woken up my siblings and ate some food and packed for the trip, I headed out to the field to help my dad out. He was getting older, in his late 50s now, his bones were beginning to falter and become more fragile. By the time I had managed to get out there after everything was prepared, I was too late, Kai had already made his way out there and helped him finish it. I felt slightly guilty but also relieved because that allowed me to exert my energy during the trip and not beforehand.

Kai carried the last of the crops to our storage compartment in our shed, which granted the entire shed was a storage compartment. Dad walking as slow as he did took a little longer to get back and get his things ready to go. But by eleven o'clock we were all ready to move out. We each gathered our bags and I led us all as we travelled amongst the rest of the village toward the Cavern of Life, for a Gathering that I would not soon forget.

The trek itself wasn't all that interesting, except for the fact that the scenery is just beautiful. It's much more aesthetically pleasing than where we live. The close we got to the cavern the more wonderful everything got. The trees that lined the path varied from five feet high upwards to sixty-five. Some of the trees bore fruit and others were beginning to change color. The beginning of change marked a month or so before our people would be weakest. As the leaves fall, our strength dwindles. It's part of our connectedness with the trees. The leaves protect the bark which protects the heart of the tree, and the less we have the harder it is.

Those with trees that don't shed their protective layerings have it easier in terms of protection. They don't usually have to worry about the cold killing their lifelines. There is always a downside to having an advantage such as that though; they don't live as long as other families. They have a lower life expectancy. It makes things more difficult. I ponder quite often whether I would rather live longer or live stronger. It's a difficult choice to make. Would I rather take no risk at all and get no reward or take a larger risk with the potential for more reward? I usually side with the latter.

The hordes of people that were making their way toward The Cavern of Life astounded me. It was amazing the diversity of those around me, yet all of us shared a common goal to reach the Cavern of Life and be present for the Gathering.

Truthfully, I don't know too much about what happens at the Gathering because my Dad doesn't like to discuss things that relate to closely to mother. They bring back painful memories. The way she died, the hurt we all felt, the tears that streamed down my fathers face.

It was something we weren't used to seeing,that hurt so apparant on his face. Midas had a heart of gold, one full of an immense love for Tyrah. He rarely shows this emotion, so when he does it's sort of miraculous.

She died because her tree began to die. Part of the job of working within the Cavern means certain obligations each person had. My mom was in charge of caring for three different families and that person for a few others and so on and so forth. She took immaculate care of those she was in charge of. She was in charge of the oak, pine, and fir trees, the normal ones, no specialty to them. The Pine tree was one of the Council members, the head chairperson. She was always verycareful with his tree, for if she did anything wrong to it she would be in danger.

One day my mother got sick with a cold, this was during the autumn season and with her leaves withering, it was a tough time. When someone is sick, they appoint another to care for their trees for that day. They try not to discuss it too much because you aren't supposed to pass your duty to anyone else, it should be yours and yours alone. She gave it to Rhys, a man who was a very trusted friend of Tyrah, as they grew up near each other. He promised to take care of the trees. He did not tell the truth. He lied to my mother. He is the reason she is dead.

He did not take care of the tree as he had promised. The next day my mother had come and was informed that the head chairpersons tree waswithering and the chairperson was sick, and it could be deadly. She was blamed, and my mothers tree was poisoned. She began to become very ill, increasingly so as it neared her death date. The closer it got, the more sickshe became, and the more horrible she looked. She couldn't handle it anymore and begged to be set free from this atrocity. She begged and begged and eventually, they listened. The pain my mother endured ended, they burned her tree to ashes, her tree was no more. Her life was no more.

My mother, my loving mother had to beg to die because of Rhys, the man I blame for her death. I don't hate under normal circumstances, but this is unforgivable. If I ever see him, I will not hesitate to end his life. The only thing I know about him is that his tree is Cypress, a rarer tree in this area, so I may be able to find him easier than one would expect. Only time will tell when I will be able to exact my revenge.

I push away the thought of revenge as we continue our way towards the Cavern, our lifeforce. As we make our way closer and closer to the Cavern I grow increasingly anxious. I question everything. What if this isn't everything I have dreamed about. What if my family's trees start to die? What if MY tree starts to die. I begin to hyperventilate and we have to stop so I can catch my breath.

"Brand, are you alright?" Vera's voice has a twing of worry inside of it. She rushed towards me and checks my pulse. "You're heart is beating really fast. Have you been overthinking things again?"

Although I am older than her, Vera has always been more perceptive and observant. She sees things that nobody else does and is wise beyond her years. "Yeah, I'm fine. I have, but It'll be fine." I say this more to reassure myself than for her sake but she accepts this with open arms.

"You need to stop thinking for once Brand. Just let things happen, go with the flow."

"I know, bug. You know how difficult that is for me."

"Yeah, I do. You have an anxiety issue. And a worrying issue. Also a daydreaming issue." Vera continues on this rant of all the issues I have, which is long.

"Okay, okay, I get it. I'll learn to control myself. You don't have to worry about me. That's your problem. You need to worry about yourself some and not be so selfless."

"I'm far from selfless. But I don't feel like arguing with you today, so yes, I am so selfless." Vera's voice sings with sarcasm.

"Very funny, Vera. You are SO hilarious. Anyways, we should probably get going again. I don't want to be there too late and not get to see everything without the throngs of people. If we keep our pace as it was, we just may be there soon enough to see the important things." The more i talked about this, the more excited I became. I got up from where I had sat down to rest and we picked up our pace. We were all at a soft run, except for Midas who had continued on when we had stopped.

It didn't take very long to catch up to him, as he is still terribly slow. He had made it farther than we had anticipated and we were extremely exhausted by the time we made it to him. This was a good sign. His health had never been that great, but this showed ,any signs of improvement.

When we had a quarter of a mile left, I couldn't contain my excitement and sprinted the rest of the way there. The cavern was enormous, it towered over me. The oversized rock formation had beautiful nature growing around it. The stones were layered beautifully and it was overwhelming to take in. I was so anxious, and the rest of my family was in awe when they witnessed the beauty that was The Cavern of Life. I felt so much more alive here. It felt like something awoke inside of me and sprung out. Everything opened up, I could breathe better, the endorphins were released and I had the largest smile I have ever smiled upon my face.

We all walked into the Cavern together and it was just as magnificent inside as it was out. The trees of all shapes and sizes and types. It was beautiful. The breath was taken out of me. It was even more than I could have ever imagined. The Caretakers were spread throughout the cavern tending to the trees. A woman walked over to us after we had some time to adjust to this perfection. "Hello. Welcome to the Cavern of Life. My name is Gwen, and I am the Council Spokesperson. Have you all been here before?"

"I have been here many times, but this is the first time for my children Rhys and Vera. They have been here once before but were too young to remember too much of the trip." Midas replied.

"Oh, good. That means I don't have to continue with this facade. As you know, we must keep up our energy for the newcomers, because the Council wishes us to have make a good impression on the community." she speaks freely now. "When a family returns, we are allowed to speak more openly with them. You are the Maple family correct? We have all been expecting you."

"Have you?" Kai speaks strongly. "I wasn't aware of us being here for any reason except to learn more about our ancestry and our family trees."

"You are, but you do realize we paid for your trip here? You didn't actually think the Council did this out of the kindness of their hearts?" She pauses for a reaction. When she receives a blank stare from our family she chuckles, "You did? That's hilarious! What you will soon learn is that the Council isn't charitable unless it benefits them. Now come on, follow me."

She led us through the maze of the trees, weaving in and out of sections. We pass all types of trees from Poplar to Cedar to Willow to Sycamore. Endless trees, all holding immense beauty.

She continues to take us through the lovely forest, and turns a sharp corner. We follow as quickly as we can. She turns to us and says, "This person has been working for us for a long time. He will be showing you to the Council. He is in charge of that type of communications."

As Gwen is talking she continues to walk toward the man, I see him.


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Sun Jul 26, 2015 5:05 pm
Lefty wrote a review...



Hey, there! Lefty here to review. I saw that the next three chapters were up in the greenroom, so I thought I'd give chapter 1 a read before I get to those. Now, onto the review...

I really like the concept of this story. It seems very original and I just think the idea in general is super cool. There were also a lot of nice little touches and details that creatively pulled the concept into the story, like saying he was 19 rings old. Now for some nitpicks...

We as a society, as a people have yet to figure out why or understnad fully the extent of these tragedies.

a letter got switched in understand making it "understnad".

There were several places where there was a space missing between two words making it one such as:
mostly because she was theonly girl...

Verahas her bookshelf...

...this Cavern is a gigantic mesmerizing placeand I was so excited...

There were a couple more, but you get the idea.

Because we live very minimilistic lifestyles her room is her bed a small bookshelf that is enchanted.

This sentence doesn't really make sense. Could there be a missing or misplaced word?

Ok, that's about it for the nitpicks! Really just typo corrections really.

I don't think there's anything bad about having a lot of info in a first chapter, but I'm not sure you need to start out explaining everything about the trees right up front. Technically, you could be talking about how excited he is to be going to the festival and leave us curious as to what it is, then when he gets there explain what they are so that his explanation is in a little more context. It would make sense for him to be telling us about the trees he's seeing and it might be a stronger opening just showing him being really excited for the festival that we are not intrigued to know more about. Just a thought, though!

You're tenses seem to get a little mixed up sometimes. For the most part, you've written it in past tense (he did this, he did that), but sometimes-particually in dialogue-I notice that it sometimes switches to present tense (he does this, he does that). For instance:
...out of the kindness of their hearts?" She pauses for a reaction. When she receives a blank stare from our family she chuckles, "You did? That's hilarious! What you will soon learn is that the Council isn't charitable unless it benefits them. Now come on, follow me."

She led us through the maze of the trees, weaving in and out of sections.

Pauses, receives and chuckles are all present tense, but then she "led" them which is past tense.

That's about it! Again, I really like the concept and it's been a really fun story to picture. It sounds so beautiful there! It makes me want to work at the cavern. You've created a really awesome place and storyline. I'm curious where it will go next! I hope my review didn't seem harsh, because I really didn't mean for it to. I just thought those were some things I should point out. Your grammar and punctuation is quite good and I've gotten a pretty good feel for the world. Nice job! I'll be back for chapter two. Have a nice day and keep writing!

-Lefty




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Sun Jul 26, 2015 4:33 pm
wickedlymuggle wrote a review...



Hi roeckercody!
I am very late to the party on this one, but I am reviewing it anyway. I really enjoyed this and your idea is absolutely brilliant!! This is by far one of the best things I have read on this website, an that is saying something. Really the only thing that needed some work in this was the description. I was able to picture everything, but only in small detail. I want to know the shades of color on the trees, the softness of your character's hair, the vibrance in her siblings eyes. I personally just want a little more pop to the scenery, which I imagine is beautiful. The only other nitpick is in this sentence,

You don;t have ot always check in on me you know.


And this sentence,

The more i talked about this, the more excited I became.


They have obvious errors. Don;t and don't. Ot and to. I and i.

Other than that, I loved this story!!! I will be an avid reader, I promise you that. Onto the next one!




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Tue Jul 07, 2015 11:46 pm
tabapugh52 wrote a review...



Hi!

So this idea of yours is amazing, you really have a massive chance here for potential to take this all the way.

However, after reading the first chapter though I do not really have any criticism to specific parts I have some advice instead.

When you first read a story the first few lines are what dictate whether or not you read the entire thing, for you there was a fantastic beginning, full of detail and scene setting. I loved it!However you very quickly delved into the story line and stopped using beautiful words and description, that is what brings your story to life. I suggest re reading it and editing in some detail and description to better describe the atmosphere, scenes, scenario, make the reader question what is happening and guess. That is all the fun of reading after all!

Good Luck! Keep writing!
I'm quickly becoming a big fan :)




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Fri Jul 03, 2015 3:18 am
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thealmightypencil wrote a review...



Hello, I'm thealmightypencil and I'm going to review your first chapter. I'm going to tell you up front that I do have criticism, but I truly believe that your story has a TON of potential and I did enjoy reading your first chapter. I will start with the criticism and end on the positives.

My only nitpick is your use of different tenses. For example:
"The Council finally gave us some money so we would be able to take this trip. It makes me really happy that a few years after mothers death they decided they can finally give us what we were owed. This gives me the opportunity to learn and actually see the Cavern, and remember it."
You keep switching between past and present tense. You need to choose one and stick with it for the most part. The exception would be if you wrote in present tense, any flash backs or discussion of past events would be in past tense.

I really only have one comment on your content as a whole, but I will try to explain it in depth. Here is the big lesson: show, don't tell. I think of writing as making an experience. It's like when you're watching a movie and you're so caught up in it that you forget you're watching something. In writing we do this with scenery description, action, and dialogue. As the writer, you are showing the reader what is happening. Simply telling the reader what everything is breaks the illusion. It's the difference between watching something happen and having a person tell you later. Take this passage of yours for example:

"The iridescent glow of the sun leaked into my room the day of The Gathering. The Gathering is when each family in our village travels to the Cavern of Life. The cavern holds our sustenance for living, the trees that are planted the day of our birth control our lives."
The first sentence is definitely showing. It's descriptive and uses active verbs so the reader can visualize the scene. But then for the next few sentences you do nothing but tell. Through out the entire chapter, you spend a lot of time just explaining the society, the character's past, and so on. This has three effects:

1. It prevents the reader from being fully immersed in the story and feeling like it is actually happening. It's like watching a movie with the commentary on.

2. When everything is plainly laid out for the reader, it removes the suspense and mystery.

3. It seems unnatural because your narrator is your protagonist. Why would your protagonist be explaining his society to someone? You haven't mentioned that he is explaining it to an outsider or anyone else. People don't automatically explain their way of life in their thoughts because they already know it.

I would recommend revising your first chapter to scatter the information better. Try revealing information through dialogue or actions. and REMEMBER, you don't have to explain anything to the reader right away. Sometimes its better to leave key information out, to entice the reader to read on. Also when you introduce information, you wanna try to make it seem natural. Teach the reader about your fictional world without them realizing it. I hope you understand what I'm trying to explain. If you don't, please tell me and I will try my best to say it another way.

NOW BEFORE I GO ON I WANT YOU TO KNOW SOMETHING VERY IMPORTANT: The quality of your ideas, world building, and depth to your story is very high. I am fascinated with your idea of people being connected with trees and I want to know more! Even after all the explaining, I feel like there is still more to know! I can tell you put A LOT of thought into this society and story. I've chosen a few passages that I think highlight your depth:

"Our crest has a maple leaf and in the center a barn owl looks to have hollowed out the maple leaf to live inside of it. This is very significant to my family because the owl represents the wisdom of my lineage and the leaf represents the simplicity of that all falling apart quickly. I always loved our crest because it was so elegant and yet so frightening. It didn't hide the truth from us and instead taught us a great lot." The thought behind the crest is so great. It has duality and foreshadows that the family will be "falling apart" very soon. Family crests carry great literary meaning, and your reader will know that if they're clever like you so you do not need to blatantly state what the crest means. Let the reader puzzle over it! Also you could introduce it more naturally if you have the character notice it in their home before describing it.

Another example, when you mention the three objects made out of the mother's tree, don't explain why each person has that one but let their actions and words speak for themselves. Show Vera striving to attain knowledge and show Kai being fiercely defending someone or show his strength, which you did do by describing the labor he performs to bring in the harvest. The depth of your idea is there, but don't feel like you have to explain it to its fullest depth. Great writers have deep ideas, but write in a way that lets the reader figure it out on their own with some hints.

"I ponder quite often whether I would rather live longer or live stronger. It's a difficult choice to make. Would I rather take no risk at all and get no reward or take a larger risk with the potential for more reward? I usually side with the latter."
Your protagonist already has an internal conflict and its only chapter one! That's great! It foreshadows a coming decision he might have to make. If its a revenge story, I can already tell he's one to favor short term gratification than thinking of the consequences.

"Kai is 21 rings and Vera is 17 rings leaving me the middle child at 19" Another great detail! Because you tell a tree's age by rings!!!! That's very clever of you, and it builds the culture of the society.

"Midas had a heart of gold" Ha! Nice allusion to Greek mythology there! Everything that King Midas touched turned to gold!

To end on a positive note, you have the ability to create a vivid and complex society and setting for your story. Your ideas are there and I want to see more, but you need to work on showing not telling. I hope this was helpful! And please do not think too critically of yourself, you are a great story teller! If you have any questions about my comments, please ask! And keep writing.




roeckercody says...


I apologize for never responding to this, but I really wanted to express my gratitude and how much this is going to help my writing. I started an outline for when I am finished with my first draft, so I can go back an edit these ideas in, and you have by far been the most help. You were critical but very constructively -- quite a few people aren't so kind sometimes-- Thank you, I am taking all you have said into a large consideration and I will make sure to work on this in the future.

My goal, actually is to have this finished within the next year, and work a lot on editing. I am planning to use this as my senior project for school. I might do a report on trees in some manner. Just thought I would share that. Thank you again. :)



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Fri Jul 03, 2015 2:50 am
hunith wrote a review...



hi there, Hunith here;

I must say, i love the idea of the story. it is pretty unused and original. It's awesome.

However, there are some few things, i want to point out to you.

The iridescent glow of the sun leaked into my room the day of The Gathering. The Gathering is when each family in our village travels to the Cavern of Life. The cavern holds our sustenance for living, the trees that are planted the day of our birth control our lives. They are what dictates how long our lives last, as they are our life force. We are connected to our trees, they become a part of us from the moment we are born and the tree is planted.


The first sentence sounds a bit confusing to me. that statement is trying to tell me that the sun's glow has never 'leaked' into the room until the day of the gathering. maybe i am the one who doesn't get it but i think it would have been ideal if you had written it this way:

The iridescent glow of the sun leaked into my room. It was the day of The Gathering.


Now, i feel there was too much explanation in the first paragraph. You pushed too much into the readers mouth. Ideally you could have kept back and released such information as the story unfolded.

Please i don't mean to pry or sound almighty, but i think that the idea of your tree being planted AFTER you re born is pretty unrealistic and inappropriate considering the colossal influence it has on everyone: control of life.
I suggest that maybe your tree begins to shoot the instant you're conceived, then grows as you grow or vice versa. thus it kind of came alive with you, rather than it being put there AFTER you have been born to ALSO later determine what happens to your life. now this is just my point of view. I may be wrong.


As the trees die so do we. The way the trees die are still unknown. Sometimes they wither naturally and there are other times where their beauty diminishes earlier that expected due to some unexplainable circumstances.


The second sentence contradicts itself. Maybe you should have used another word instead of 'unknown' in the first sentence. Maybe it could have been unclear. or something...

My mother whom was very strong-willed and independent was the first to die before their time. Her name was Tyrah, pronounced Tier-ah, and she was the loveliest woman I have ever met. She worked inside the caretaking unit inside of the Cavern of Life which is one of the highest respected jobs in our society.


Another thing is, the script seemed to have been rushed. there were countless mistakes in your work. Mostly spelling mistakes and grammatical errors.
In the above. instead of whom, it should be who. 'highest respected' should be 'highly respected'

I must also say, there were many sentences i couldn't understand. Maybe due to wrong spelling or missing words. I think you should read through your work thoroughly before posting it.

I really got confused on numerous occasions, whiles reading your book. My mind was struggling with your writing style. the story is great but you made reading it confusing.

"Brand, are you alright?" Vera's voice has a twing of worry inside of it. She rushed towards me and checks my pulse. "You're heart is beating really fast. Have you been overthinking things again?"


you see what i mean. in the above sentence you use 'rushed' then suddenly you skip to the present and use 'checks'.
Grammatically speaking, that's wrong. Also that word twing is incorrect. is it twinge? or twin?

My mother, my loving mother had to beg to die because of Rhys, the man I blame for her death. I don't hate under normal circumstances, but this is unforgivable. If I ever see him, I will not hesitate to end his life.


Here i was a little surprised. i think the reason for Rhys earning Brands hate wasn't concrete enough. i Mean look at this carefully. All Rhys did was to shun the assignment and lie about it. i believe this action isn't solid enough to bear the weight of enmity, i'm just saying.

"Yeah, I do. You have an anxiety issue. And a worrying issue. Also a daydreaming issue." Vera continues on this rant of all the issues I have, which is long.


you used anxious. I didn't see why you had to come back to used worrying again. I think it makes it superfluous. I personally feel that, your writing could do very well with a little polish.

Finally, there was very little description concerning the environment. what timeline are we in?? i couldn't picture your characters well.

Putting aside review and digging for the slightest of blunders, your story is a masterpiece. If you polish your writing, it would shine.
It seems, i may have said a little too much, but that's what reviews are.
Please, if you have any question let me know. And I am seriously waiting for the next chapter.

~Hunith~




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Fri Jul 03, 2015 1:10 am
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racket wrote a review...



Agh, it's Rhys! At the end, sorry. The man..... >.< Sorry.
Hello, there, racket here to review your chapter!
Okay, so, wow, that was a lot. Well, I really liked the idea of the trees and the people being connected. I also absolutely loved the names! Rys, Kai, Midas, dang, these are awesome!
So, before I nitpick this, I want you to know that this is very good, even if it does need some improvement. With a bit of editing, this'll be fantastic.
So, one of the first things you need to decide on when writing is which tense to tell the story from. Past tense, or present tense. You kept switching back and forth between the two.

It didn't take very long to catch up to him, as he is terribly slow. He had made it farther than we had anticipated and we were extremely exhausted by the time we made it to him.

Okay, so do you the 'is' in the first sentence. There's probably a better example somewhere in here, but whatever. The 'is' implies that it is the present and Brand is racing up the road RIGHT NOW. But then you use past tense words like 'had' and 'anticipatED' and 'were', etc. It' a little confusing for the reader to keep switching from the present narrating, to someone telling you a story that has already happened. I suggest you choose a tense and then comb through this and fix your adverbs.
Is the word 'Brand' at the beginning of this telling us the chapter's from his point of view? You may need to clarify, especially because we don't know who he is until Vera says it.
So, in writing we have this saying 'Show, don't tell.' Readers like to be able to figure stuff out about the world of the story from the context off unrelated sentences, such as 'he passed the cave where the life trees were kept.' and so on, until, after a few chapters, the readers have the gist of the world without you, the author, having to directly explain it to them. It's more fun to read that way, especially as big explanatory paragraphs can be intimidating. You do a lot of the 'telling'in this story, especially in the beginning. The history of the mother, the Cavern, the tree-person relationship, the farm-hating society, etc. Let us figure this out. Let Midas be publicly shunned, people make snide remarks about 'animal jailer' or whatever. Let us find out about the mother, especially about the mother!, throughout the story. That's such an interesting background, so draw it out, juice it, use it to entice the reader into reading more, so they can find out what happened to the mother. Give clues, and then clear up the wholes towards the end of the story with Brand explaining it to a new friend or something.
Do this with emotions too, let him 'shout angrily', 'jump at shadows', etc. so that we can figure out what he's feeling, rather than have it explained to us. You do this a couple times with both Brand and other characters.
Maybe look through this story, self edit it. There're a few sentences that don't make sense, a couple times you use too large, complex words for the context, and more than a few times an I is not capitalized, possessive words do not have apostrophes, 'mother' is not capitalized (it's proper), commas are left out. You also have a few run-on sentences, sentences with too many 'and's or commas to make it easy for the reader to read. It chops up the story, making flow weird and hard to read. Really read through this, check everything, second guess yourself, look for mistakes and fix them. This is your first draft! When you start your second, go through this one hoping to make it perfect. Writing can take a great deal of effort and care, especially editing, which is half the work, maybe more.
I know this may be an intimidating review. Yes, this chapter needs a bit of work, but I'm confident you can make it way better. The plot is great, the names are awesome, it's just a bit of communicating that's messing things up. Work your way through it, and I'm sure this'll be awesome. I really want to read the rest of this! The story is awesome! I want to read the actual plot, and not just the intro that is the first chapter! This Gwen character is intriguingly awesome. She should be a main villain....(just an idea).
So, yeah! Good work! A little bit of editing would be fantastic, but otherwise, this is great! Thanks for writing! I look forward to reading this again, and the other chapters, and your other works! Keep writing!
~racket





The strongest people are not those who show their true strength in front of us but those who win battles we know nothing about.
— Unknown