Poor o' poor you can live better!

by rishabh

Poor o’ poor you can live better,

Richies gives you handful of gold water,

If they say nope, do not shatter,

Your heart is bold; they are money mouth watered,

Something I believe in my heart,

Something you lose and,

They are adding everything to their cart,

Poor o’ poor you can live better,

If you know how to take the letter,

To hon’ble prime minister,

May be he ignores your letter,

Still don’t be heartbroken,

It was his sin which he never rinse,

By holy water,

All the housies are mad and fuckin’ persons,

However, you are the best future nurture sons and daughters,

You are the blacksmiths,

You are the farmers,

You are the builders,

You are the cobblers,

You all are making this world live better!

Comments

Points: 11589
Reviews: 229

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Sun Jun 30, 2013 2:34 am

SushiSashimi333 wrote a review...

This was a very interesting piece with a very nice message. I like the way that you conveyed it at the end there. The only thing that bothered me was how this read. Some of the lines had letters where they didn't really fit or stopped a little too suddenly.

Richies gives you handful of gold water,

By "Richies" were you talking about rich people? It sounded a little awkward when you phrased it that way. Also if the "Richies" are plural then the "gives" doesn't need an "s" at the end.

All the housies are mad and fuckin’ persons,

I don't quite understand what you mean by "housies" either. Maybe if you cleared that up this poem would make a little more sense.

You are the blacksmiths,
You are the farmers,
You are the builders,
You are the cobblers,
You all are making this world live better!

I really liked this because you listed all the people the reader could have been. This really shouts the message to the reader which I just loved. The only thing I would work on is having your work make a little more sense, otherwise this was pretty good!
Sushi

Points: 436
Reviews: 40

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Thu Jun 27, 2013 7:42 pm

KittyBee wrote a review...

I quite enjoyed the piece.
First of all, the concept was really great. It's something I haven't seen before, which is pretty awesome. It's also missing the average dose of immature angst-- which makes it FANTASTIC.

I couldn't find any particular stanza or line that jumped out at me from this work. I feel like it only really stands out a whole-- which is actually something I don't see often in poetry. The fact usage of the language creates a wonderful voice in the writing. I can feel poverty and taste the idea. The actual writing is by far the best part about this poem.

The part I dislike is the fact that there's not much of what I consider actual poetry in this mix. I see a lot of writing and a lot of words, but not much flow or rhythm. That might be just in the way I read it, but I still feel like it's worth mentioning.

Overall, it's a very unique piece and I enjoyed reading it. Keep writing!

Points: 494
Reviews: 11

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Tue Jun 25, 2013 7:05 pm

qmj wrote a review...

I really liked this poem.It was a bit encouraging and long.One thing I realizes that there were no full stops that threw me off a bit. Also the obscene word had me checking the category of this poem I would of advised the use of another word but all in all this is a nice poem.

Points: 494
Reviews: 11

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Tue Jun 25, 2013 7:04 pm

qmj says...

Points: 261
Reviews: 23

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Tue Jun 25, 2013 5:56 pm

pensword wrote a review...

Hi

I really enjoyed this poem. My favorite thing about it was that you took the time to make it sound like a rough-speaking farmer or somesuch was reciting the poem. Nice job! It had a nice hopeful note at the end, and the flow was very nice. Keep up the good work.

Young Writers Society

Poor o' poor you can live better!

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