Young Writers Society

Wow!! The ending was just PERFECT!! I really liked this sad yet eye-opener poem of yours. Now let me start with what i liked about your piece of work:

1. You started the poem with your title. A very nice way of engaging the readers.

2. 'The gigantic waves swallowed,
Swallowed their loved ones'

You used 'swallow' twice, one after the other, a perfect enhancer!!

3. 'No-thing' was fabulous.

4. I liked the way you pointed the Tsunami as 'disastrous'. It showed how much agony you have.

5. As i had already said your ending was superb because you added the part that you were writing a poem for the people who suffered, which was sarcastic and also sad.

Things which i didn't like and need a mention:

1. I think it would have been better if you would have divided your poem into stanzas. It becomes easier to read that way.

2. In the seventh line, instead if 'humankind', it should have been 'mankind'.

3. I did not quite understand why you mentioned the Indians killing ganga river. It could have been explained further.

But overall your poem was a delight!

Keep writing, best of luck!!!

Cheers,

Shiksha!!

I bet it felt great for you to write this poem. It seems really relevant to information you've been receiving recently, and it's clear that you're feeling a really strong emotion, especially because you compare it to something we YWSers know so well: submitting a piece for 300 points.

But I want to know more about this situation. I don't know what you're talking about, exactly. Do you mean the people who live in the Himalayas are dying because of inadequate access to food, and you feel guilty, or is there some situation going on in the government or environment that is causing a crisis suddenly?

If it's the former, I would believe this poem less. People live in the places they live and they survive the way they can. Maybe they're starving relative to you? I mean, I guess I really really don't know the situation, so I can't speak about it, but if this poem is about a current event, I'd be encouraged to believe in it a lot more. I'd feel like, yes, something is happening now and I want to fix it with you.

It makes me think that it could possibly be a current event because you mention people being stranded and you evoke the idea of a tsunami. Is it a bad snow season or something? Or is it just the same isolation that's kind of always been there?

Lastly, what's a marvella poem? I'm not sure if there was a form you were going for here.
Anywhoo, please PM me if you have any questions or comments about my review.
Good luck and keep writing!

Hey a hero here ready to review!

It seemed a bit hard to catch a real rhythm. Also words of the poem seemed to be redundant.

i.e.
"People are crying,
Crying for their chance of survival,"
,
"The gigantic waves swallowed,
Swallowed their loved ones,"

The redundancy of saying the same word twice doesn't work in this situation and how you presented it. Instead i would suggest a technique more like this:

"People are crying,
in desperate need for survival,"

I am not saying this flows like I would want it, or saying you should use it because I believe you should put your own personal writers bias in each line. I am merely suggesting to introduce the subject and just continue on without repeating the subject, if that makes any sense. Yes repetition for effect, but in this case it is less effectual because you are sacrificing flow and it makes the reader stop for a minute and re-analyze the writing.


_

I was a bit confused about the content, you are suppose to write whatever you write with the intent that the reader doesn't know anything about the situation, in which case I don't. Yes you tell me most but by the time I finish the poem I am trying to nit-pick the thing that was suppose to be agents, you must be very clear with content so that way people can be introduced to the problem and you can spread awareness. You need to think: What am I trying to do with this poem? Here's what I believe you went for:

1)Be emotional. Yes it was emotional for you, I can tell you are torn about a situation and feel helpless, but it wasn't very emotional for me because I didn't know exactly what to be mad at

2) Be informative. The poem is suppose to question the way something in the world works, but if you don't tell me something very clearly what I don't know, then I might not understand it and the message gets lost.

3) Present your ideas in a original way. The sad fact of the matter is most people don't want to read a political essay with dry facts, this is why it is good for a poem if you make it flow. People who normally wouldn't care about the subject, would be off and away if you listed facts instead of something catchy and emotional ties, and something where it was completely unjustified.

4) be knowledgeable and think of me like someone who is not smart. Don't assume I know anything, EXPLAIN THE PROBLEM so anyone can see it.


The hardest part in poetry is finding the match with content and structure. You need to be aware of how well your poem flows to the average person and you need to match your content to the needs of the average person.

You have a great idea, something to talk about so make sure that lesson or thing you are trying to change STICKS into each and everyone mind that reads your poem.



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REVIEW TIME:

The poem did well with explaining an injustice, I am persuaded, somewhat, to find the conflict with the poem because it is wrong and it is happening in our world. The poem was not very good at explaining the conflict, and it seemed to lack flow. Although, it spoke a story from the writers perspective well, in which it was easy to understand why you are angry and how this has effected you as an individual.

Structure/flow: 2/6
Content: 3/6
Emotion: 6/6

Overall: 4/6

Thanks,

YWS ImHero

Very nice of you to do a poem about this, my friend. It was truly devastating for said country.
I like how you went through a story in this, but also along this note, I think this would be better in a story format.
You should try to add stanzas(example below, I changed a bit of punctuation, not much).

People are crying,
Crying for their chance of survival,
The gigantic waves swallowed,
Swallowed their loved ones,
Thousands of lives, lives that are precious,
Precious to humankind.

People stranded in Himalayan valleys,
‘No-thing’ in their empty bellies,
They are dying without any reason,
Native people waiting for proper ration,
We are cruel, as Indians, we are killing,
Killing our mother Ganges.

Ganges is not only a holy river,
It describes the power of Indian women,
Women, having softness and motherhood,
They give birth to Indian robin-hoods,
I wish I could help those stranded people,
In searching their loved ones,
I wish I could give my half meal,
So that they survive until sorties come.

This disastrous thing killed my compatriots,
I am such a weak person,
I can’t do anything, despite of
Writing a marvella poem, worth 300 points,
Which make a joint,
A Joint between my fellow citizens and me!

Hi rishabh.

I am GeeLyria and I am here to review. Okay. So, this is kind of lyrical, and I like that~ it makes you want to finish reading it. However, the way you organized the poem doesn't make the reader want to start reading. This may sound ridiculous, but creating stanzas can make a huge difference in your poetry; it gives the reader to stop, breathe, and think about what they have read. A poem without stanzas is like a skyscraper without windows, which is kind of odd and not fun~ Another thing I want to talk about is the punctuation. I wonder why this poem is, basically, a run-on sentence; a long long sentence joined by commas. This makes everything more confusing. If you can start and finish every sentence with periods, that would be lovely. Remember, if your readers have to read the whole thing again, you want it to be because they loved what you wrote... not because they're lost.

That's my grain of sand. I'd suggest you to work on those things~ I honestly think they could make this better.

~GeeLyria

Hello, Rishabh, I'm June.


Structurally speaking, I don't know what to make of this poem. I was trying to like the pattern of end-of-line repeated in the beginning-of-the-next-line repetition, but as it disappeared and was replaces with an on-and-off rhyme scheme, I am not sure that this poem exudes effectiveness.
As far as the meaning of this poem goes, I feel like it addresses a serious issue, and as I have a soft spot for poems that are about awareness, I can't help but feel delicate about how I review this. That said, because it seems to just present a string of issues that India faces, rather than present them in a way that ties one calamity to the other, I can't find much poetic value in it.
So what can you do? Well, there's a lot to be said for what you're trying to convey, but if you take your time and reanalyze the way you deliver them, I think you'd have a better poem. In order to have a poem that effectively raises awareness, you need to show us exactly what we're dealing with. Instead of just narrating these events as if you're telling us a story, why don't you illustrate them in detail, show us the severity of what's happening. Take us there, by bringing these scene alive with description and metaphor, make us want to roll up our sleeves and get involved

June