baby in december
dying, will he ever
lay this seed to rest
leave his pride undressed
now he thinks he’s clever
watch his form regress
when he hits the ground—
well maybe, i don’t know.
if he hits the ground,
i hope he get buried beneath the snow
like violets in winter.
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138,677 Literary Works • 672,212 Reviews
Hai :3
Ohhh I like this!! It's so cold and sharp!! I love how compact this poem is, because it feels like watching something small and doomed happen from very far away. There’s this strange tenderness in the first images, but then the poem immediately undercuts it with death, pride, regression, burial, snow, etc. It feels like innocence being exposed to a season it cannot survive, like the speaker is changing over the course of a few lines. Brutal, but in a soft, wintry way!!
I LOVE this opening!! “baby in december” is such a fragile phrase ~~ Like, it already feels misplaced, something born into the wrong season. December carries all that coldness, dormancy, ending, and then “baby” brings in vulnerability and beginnings. That contradiction is sooo effective!! I like how this image places the speaker in a weird state of limbo, too; are they the baby, or are they simply observing the "he" from afar, taking it all in? There are so many different ways to read this opening stanza, which I love to see!!
“lay this seed to rest” is really interesting too because seeds are usually about future growth, but here it’s almost like the future itself is exhausted. The seed is not being planted because that implies a sense of renewal each season. That’s such a quiet, devastating reversal. I also really like “leave his pride undressed” because it makes pride feel like a covering, something he wears to protect himself. If it’s undressed, then he’s exposed, maybe humiliated, maybe finally honest with someone.
This is mean in the best way >.<
There’s such a sudden tonal shift here!! The speaker becomes more cutting, a bit observational, like they’re watching this person shrink into something lesser. “Form regress” is such a good phrase because it feels biological, possibly evolutionary in reverse. He isn’t just emotionally failing. Instead, he is becoming less formed, less human, less whole. That works so well with the seed/baby imagery because everything in this poem feels caught between growth and decay.
^^^ I do wonder who the “he” is in relation to the speaker. I actually like that it’s vague, because it gives the poem this mythic, archetypal feeling, but I’m curious whether you want him to feel like a specific person or more like an idea: pride, masculinity, ego, immaturity, etc. Right now, he feels like all of those at once, which is cool, but maybe one more concrete detail could make the wound sharper ~~ Why does "he" matter to readers, anyway?
The hesitation here is AMAZING. The em dash into “well maybe, i don’t know” makes the speaker feel suddenly unsure of their own cruelty. Like they want him punished, buried, erased, but there’s still this flicker of uncertainty. That little stumble makes the poem feel so much more human.
Also, “i hope he get buried beneath the snow” has this rawness to it. The grammar makes it feel spoken, almost childish or bitter in a really immediate way. If intentional, I think it works because it makes the speaker sound less polished, more emotionally exposed. If not intentional, “gets” would smooth it out, but honestly? The roughness kind of fits the emotional temperament of the poem, like the speaker is rushing or not thinking clearly.
WHAT an ending!!
Violets are so delicate, and placing them in winter makes them feel impossible, buried beauty, something tender trying to exist in the wrong conditions. I love that the poem ends here because it softens the violence without undoing it ~~ It’s not forgiveness exactly, but it is image. It turns the burial into something floral, maybe a little mournful. Like, the speaker wants him gone, but still imagines him as something small and purple under the snow. That complexity is sooo good, and it really transforms my interpretations of the first stanza!!
^^^ My only thought is that the violet image is stunning, but because it arrives only at the very end, I want one tiny earlier hint of it so that the ending feels even more inevitable. The seed does some of that work already, but maybe there’s room to thread the flower in subtly before the final line... Not too much!! Just enough to make the ending feel like a return rather than a reveal, since I like a little bit leading up to that could tie in your imagery better.
Overall, this was very enjoyable to read!! I love how much emotional tension you fit into so few lines!! Amazing work!! ^_^
- Payton
This is such an interesting poem! It's vague about a lot of things but it is also very clear in its imagery surrounding death. I love the last line
The fact that there's a line break separating it from the stanza above it adds such a sense of weight to it -- what a lovely read!
such a short poem but still remains to be so heavy. the vagueness is pretty ominous, though the general idea of fragility through violets and loss through winter does make the main point of the story about a death clear. even so with this death, there's a sense of detachment and doubt that makes the approach to the topic of death unique for the poem, and perhaps makes it personal in a way that only the speaker identifies with and not the audience who is only a mere witness. lovely crafted poem!
Hi there! Leaving some thoughts on your recent poem:
Mood & Theme
This poem feels extremely heavy, it's a hard read though it feels like the speaker only addresses different aspects of loss gingerly not quite saying directly what has happened. I don't know if the true subject of the poem is a flower or a baby and that makes me a bit hesitant to read into it or connect to it, but it seems like the poem is about a fragile life that is lost - I read the desire for the life to be buried in snow to be benevolent, but I think it could be read malevolently too - while this makes the poem interesting that it could be read as "I hope you get buried in snow" in both a kind context (buried, like a proper careful burial) or negative context (buried, like suffocated by the snow).
I feel like with such a sensitive subject matter this line ought and the overall tone could be clarified a bit - does the speaker say these things with love, hatred, or apathy - it really changes how the reader perceives the poem, and we have very few context clues to examine...
Continuity
I feel like the line "now he thinks he's clever / watch his form regress" feels a little cruel in context of dying and for me doesn't quite match the subject matter / feels a bit off-putting in the context of such a serious subject. Similarly I have a really really hard time reading the line "when he hits the ground" in a poem that begins in the death of a baby. If this poem is truly about a human - this feels joltingly difficult, if it's about a flower / gardening - I wonder if a less jolting metaphor could be used to anchor the poem like a bird trying to fly, or a deer trying to stand - because at that point in the poem I'm not sure if I'm supposed to be imagining a baby, a flower, or both - and imagining a baby hitting the ground is a bit rough on this reader.
I am very sincerely sorry if this poem is written from a place of real personal loss - and hope writing brought some piece. And if this poem was processing a real human loss, I think you can safely ignore all of my comments in the prior paragraph.
Overall
Overall the metaphor of violets in winter is poignant, but I'm not quite sure if as a reader we're supposed to understand it as a metaphor or not - I'd like to see this poem built up a bit more. And a clearer direction from the speaker on what mood they have toward the subject.
alliyah