Young Writers Society

Hey there! First of all, welcome to YWS, and here for a review. Let's deal with the grammatical mistakes which I think are there in your poem.

If I had to lose you I would never move

I guess a comma between you and I should be there. Though I am not sure about this, but I think it should be ‘I would never have moved’. Just think about this before putting it, as I am not so sure.

I would never look around, never leave

I feel the same about it. It should have been 'I would have never looked around'

trying to hold onto the memories

everything seems so far now, but the thought of you

In this one, I have a suggestion. Just capitalize everything because it's not really going with the previous line in small cases. We don't generally say everything after a word without any punctuation.

These were all my small grammatical critiques. If u don't agree with me, don't take it. I, myself, am not good at grammar.

It was such a great poem by you. I know the feeling of losing someone and just how we try to reconstruct the past but we can't. We just live with their memories in our hearts. You as well as your poem have succeeded in portraying that. I just loved your poem. It really had a great flow. I can undoubtedly say that you have a great writer/poet inside you.

Keep writing!

~Forever

Hi @rinkimy I'm here to do a real short review on this poem. So lets get right into it shell we.

If I had to lose you I would never move,

I would never look around, never leave

I still remember how you were here with me

such a kind soul, such warm hands,

maybe the first I felt in a long time

always behind with a smile so sweet

maybe I'll never meet you,

I'll never feel that warmth again,

trying to hold onto the memories

everything seems so far now, but the thought of you.

This is such a heart warming poem, I wanted to just read it again. It all flowed so well together, such a feeling of love at first, and then sadness takes over. Just wonderful.

Just a question for you: are you okay because this was giving me the feeling that maybe you lost something or someone you loved very much. My PM box is always open if you need to talk okay. <3

So this is really all that I can say. It's a lovely piece and I'd read it a lot more then once, that's for sure.

I hope you have a great day/night witch ever side of the world your on.

@Dossereana Flying Over The Green Room And Spreading Shards Of Encouragement

Hey, FlamingPhoenix here with a review for you on this very cold day. Lol I hope you enjoy!

Let's get started shall we!

If I had to lose you I would never move,

Now this is just my opinion, but I feel this sentence would have a bigger impact and flow better if there was a comma between 'you' and 'I'.
XD yes I know I'm one to talk about commas I'm not very good at it myself, so if you don't agree feel free to push aside what I said.

I still remember how you were here with me

I feel the same about this sentence as well. I read over it a few times just to make sure I was right, but I really do feel like it would sound better if there was a comma between the 'were' and 'here' It just somehow has a larger impact to have that small pause.
Again if you don't agree don't take the advise I don't mind.

Other than those two very small things I loved this poem, it was so deep and ripped my right to my very core, it was really heart breaking. There was such emotion behind this and the faint story behind it was really touching!
I think what makes it sadder is that I've also had to loose some one close to me, and it really dose hurt, but you'll get through it, best thing to do is talk to someone about it.

I read this poem three times! That's how much I loved it! Just amazing! And your writing is also really good!

I would be very happy to see more of your work on YWS! Your a very skilled writer, and should be very proud! ^-^ I hope you will post again soon and have a wonderful day or night, and stay warm!

FlamingPhoenix.
Reviewing with a fiery passion.