Jack and Jill went up the hill
to fetch a pail of water.
Jack held Jill down, by her crown,
until she was fully under.
Up jack got, and home did trot,
as fast as he could caper.
He hid away for a fifty days
'til Jill's name left the papers.
People say, he ran away,
but no-one knows for sure.
But either way, from that day,
Jack was a murderer.
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Canary word: Present
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I see the idea of corrupting something innocent. You kept the flow good and was pretty consistent with the rhyme scheme.
The new lines in the first stanza are a bit of a moth full though and the last word in the third and final stanza: murderer messed with the rhyme and flow a bit.
Other than that, I felt my self humming along to the tune of the original nursery rhyme, though I doubt any normal person would sing this poem to their children.
I could just imagine this rhyme playing in the background of a scene in a horror movie.
The reality is there in the poem, as it is true that people do murder and hide away till the commotion dies down.
Keep up the good work.
-jaetwee
Hahah! I wouldn't quite call this poem innocent, actually. For one, the actual story between Jack and Jill has to do with the French revolution and the beheadings of the king and queen! Check out the story:
Info taken from this website
Anyway, as you can see, it has quite a non-innocent meaning!
With that said… your poem! First of all, make sure that all proper names are capitalized. You mostly capitalized your names, but I see a “jack” which needs to be capitalized, so you need to take care of that!
Here, it sounds like they’re going to get a bucket of water.
Which makes this bit sound a bit curious. After all, did he shove her head in a bucket of water? It’s a bit strange. Maybe if you changed the words “fetched a pail” it would sound better.
Capitalize your names!
This is going to sound really nitpicky, but one of the reasons why the original line worked and this one doesn’t is because you don’t really have a strong vowel sound here. If you say, “He stole away for forty days” it might sound better.
Here, the rhyming is really clunky. I am not quite sure how to fix this part, but see if you can revise it a bit and make it better.
Good luck in the contest!
Well, I'm not really good at poetry, but I'll try
I really loved it. It certainly accomplished the purpose of stripping this of its innocence. I liked that you didn't pull punches on the first stanza -- something I think would have been tempting. I don't know if this was your intention, but I actually heard of a homicide that almost sounded like this....creepy?
Anyway, I loved it and I look forward to more from you
I'd certainly say to enter it in that competition
this is pretty interesting.......corrupting a nursery rhyme... Anyways, I like how it rhymed and all,but I guess I don't really like it that much...... but that's my opinion! just don't take it heavily.... but still......... it's a very good poem, rhyming and all.
GREAT JOB AND KEEP WRITING!!!
Kat
Hey there!
I think this is a good twist on the original. You seemed to hit your idea for a theme on the head too.
Now, I'm no good at reviewing poetry, and I know a poem doesn't necessary need to rhyme but you did a god job with making the additional parts fit in with the original layout and sound of the nursery rhyme.
I love the way you dived right into the corruption on the first stanza. I thought I'd read it wrong at first, but then I understood the twist you'd decided to take and it all made sense. It was a bit shocking to think that Jack turned on Jill so you definitely managed to remove the innocence from the piece
I agree with Chicken that you could possibly have a go at twisting other nursery rhymes. I'd be really interested to see what you could come up with.
xDudettex
I think that piece was awesome, a real good twist on the orignal! I could never find the words to make up things like that! It would be great if you could do that to other poems to.
can i just say how good this is!!you did an amazing job! some words needed capatalization but over all it was great! loved the writing and choice of words i'll be looking for more of your work:) keep it up!
My goodness that is sooo good! Hilarious, clever, get rhythm!I would love to see you other work! You seem like an intelligent writer who knows what is going on in their work! Keep up the amazing work! You are so talented!
Hahaha! I love the whole 'corrupt' idea! This was nice and I was singing it in my head just like when I was in nursery! Nice job and those nit-pricks were all I noticed, except for a couple of rhymes that just about made it, though they're not really considered as rhyming words.
But still, I liked it and I often do this with a lot of nursery rhymes because at that age they teach us that the world is perfect when it's not...
Nice work! Keep writing! : )