12+ Language

Until the Stars Go Out (1)

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There hadn't been anything out of place when Gabriel had gone to sleep. He wishes that's the case when he wakes up.

It's dark. It's still nighttime. A still night typical of late August hangs over his bedroom, full of gentle warmth that promises lazy days and unexpected downpours. Gabriel sits up, straining his eyes to make out the dull shapes of his room - his wardrobe, his set of drawers, his stuffed bear, his painting framed on the wall - all of which stand faithfully where he'd left them. It's only when his eyes fall on the open window, when his breath freezes in his throat and his stomach twists horribly, that he can finally see what's wrong. Gabriel's voice dies in his throat, falling apart to become a mortified squeak.

There's a figure hauling itself in through his window.

Its arms flail, reaching out to break its fall as it tumbles forwards onto the tattered rug. It pauses before pushing itself up onto its hands and knees. Gabriel shuffles back against the wall, fingers slipping over his bedside table as he grapples for the lampswitch to a better look at the intruder. The harsh light glances off the clean angles of his face, getting lost in the sea of curls hanging over one eye. His face is youthful and unmarred, an innocent mask, and he's wrapped in a fabric that looks like a sheet of linen. The dark eyes fix on Gabriel as he scrambles out of bed and makes for the door.

In an instant, the stranger's figure is disintegrating, collapsing in on itself and shimmering like a shoal of black fish before it expands, rolling into the hulking shape of a bear. Gabriel stops moving, stunned and effectively bewildered as he tries frantically to work out if he’s standing in a dream. Colour spreads over its haunches as the tiny black fragments shudder into place to form swathes of perfect grizzled fur and the thing heaves a sigh, coming to life like a special effect leaping from the screen.

Its head lolls on massive shoulders, swinging to stare with dull eyes at Gabriel. The bear hoists itself up onto its hind legs, plush ears brushing against the ceiling as a huge forepaw knocks him off of his feet, onto his back on the rug. The paw pushes down on his jaw and neck, its bristling hairs prickling against his skin, snuffing out any hopes Gabriel has of calling for help. He pushes at the smooth claws uselessly, blood rushing in his ears as black spots swarm in his vision. Its paws shudder and seem to liquify before the hairs dissolve, the whole thing shrinks, and it’s suddenly a human hand that’s suffocating him.

"Siopáo!" the stranger hisses, taking his hand off of Gabriel and kneeling beside him, head cocked to the side like a dog.

Gabriel falls silent. He wants to be silent. He needs to be quiet and not make a single noise. It’s all he can think about now, just quiet and that he has to be quiet. Nothing else matters to him, no other thoughts can filter through the static of quiet that fills his head.

The monster leans over him and speaks, bringing his mind back. "... Athinaios?"

Gabriel shakes his head, shrinking back against the floor and trying to wriggle away from the monster. It leers over him, one hand grabbing his shoulder and pushing him down as the other reaches for his forehead, inching closer and closer until it’s gripping his forehead. Its head bows and its shoulders start to round and sag as its eyes drifting shut for a moment.

In an instant, it sits up and looks Gabriel in the face with renewed vigor, eyes wide and glinting horribly in the half-light streaming in from the window. There’s something childlike in its chilling curiosity, how it stares and smiles as if it’s not doing anything wrong. Finally, it speaks again.

"Yeah, I didn't think this felt like Greece. Where am I?"

Gabriel lies silently, staring for a dizzying moment before he propped himself up on his elbows. "What?"

"Where am I? I'm not speaking Greek right now..." The monster is grinning now, unashamed.

"You're, uh, in England."

"North England?"

"... yes."

"Good. Your mind is reliable."

“Reliable?!” Gabriel growls, voice and will growing stronger again. “What? I’m calling the police, they’ll take you to the psych ward for sure, no --”

"Quiet," the monster murmurs, its voice low and smooth and dangerous as it drips through the cracks in Gabriel's free will, seeping into it like lava into the rocks.

Gabriel is quiet. There's nothing he wants more than quiet. It's strange, the way he's led into obedience and peacefulness, the way the monster's words fill him with the best kind of inertia, but Gabriel doesn't find the will to object. He's quiet, silenced, and as he looks up into the monster's face he doesn't find it threatening anymore. Those bold lines etched onto its handsome face are reassuring now, full of vows of better places.

"We're going to talk quietly now, and work something out, alright?"

Again, Gabriel nods and obliges. He pushes himself up into a sitting position, still gazing at the monster like a lovestruck boy.

"I need somewhere to stay. I found my way here - it's definitely fate, wouldn't you say?"

"Yes." Gabriel's response is mechanical. It earns a puzzled noise from the monster, until it realises its mistake.

"Oh. You can come back now."

Gabriel comes flooding back, taking back his mind like a triumphant colony winning back independence. He stares at the monster, his eyes refocusing.

"I'm going to call the police --"

"If you do that, I'll just keep asking you to be quiet. We'll be stuck here until the sun comes up, and then I'll do the same thing to the rest of your family. I'm not going to hurt you. Let's just have a civil talk, hmm?" Its voice is sing-song and wavering, warbling like a bird singing morning pleasantries.

"This is so, so wrong..." Gabriel huffs, "I don't want to."

"Come on," the monster hums, face melding into the expression of a begging puppy. Another mask of innocence, another lie. "It'll be fun..."

Gabriel bites his tongue to stop himself from shouting for help. His heart is thudding in his chest, blood rushing and fingers trembling. "Okay. So, what?"

"I need somewhere to stay. I was led here. So, you and I are meant to be! I'd like to stay here."

"What? Who are you?"

"Oh, what did they used to call me? Eh... Oh! Alexandros! They called me Alexandros. It means defender of man."

"Who used to call you that?"

"The Ancient Greeks."

"What?! Who are you?" Gabriel wrings his hands in his lap, completely and utterly on edge. His voice cracks and betrays him as he speaks.

"I'm an alien. I came to earth before and I lived among the Greeks."

"What? You're fucking off your rocker, mate."

"You don't believe me?" Alexandros smiles and gives a heave of its shoulders. "You don't remember the bear? I can take any form you want if it would prove it. I really am an alien."

It's all Gabriel could do to keep from fainting as the monster unfolds itself and stands in front of him and his human image begins to warp into a black cloud, shimmering and distorting nightmarishly.

"Okay, okay! Stop, please! I believe you!" Gabriel hisses, beckoning for Alexandros to sit down next to him. Alexandros solidifies in a human shape and takes his place on the rug. "I don't understand, but that's okay, I suppose. I believe you. But, why are you here?"

Alexandros' expression darkens with the shifting mood of the night, voice growing somber. The summer warmth is sapped in an instant, sucked away like dirty bathwater down the drain.

"Oh, something's about to happen."

Something cold twists in Gabriel's gut as he listens.

"Gabriel, can't you feel it?"

Comments & reviews · 3
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Virgil
Review
Virgil wrote a review · Mon Jul 24, 2017 6:04 pm

Hiya there Regismare! Nikayla here dropping in for a review, as requested.

I have to say that this plays to its strengths, especially with the tense that this is written in. The present tense gives this a sense of urgency or tension that I like quite a bit because not a lot of people are daring enough to match the third person point of view with the present tense as it's usually seen to be a criminal offense in a way and often times the only tense in the third person perspective is the past tense. Well done on this.

It's dark. It's still nighttime. A still night typical of late August hangs over his bedroom, full of gentle warmth that promises lazy days and unexpected downpours. Gabriel sits up, straining his eyes to make out the dull shapes of his room - his wardrobe, his set of drawers, his stuffed bear, his painting framed on the wall - all of which stand faithfully where he'd left them. It's only when his eyes fall on the open window, when his breath freezes in his throat and his stomach twists horribly, that he can finally see what's wrong. Gabriel's voice dies in his throat, falling apart to become a mortified squeak.


Maybe instead of the word 'squeak', use 'croak'? That fits a little better here. The word 'his' is also used around eleven times just in this paragraph. I suggest working around this because this does end up becoming a little repetitive.

There's a figure hauling itself in through his window.


I found this sentence to be a little awkward and lacking of suspense. Before the tension builds up though I found the diction here to kind of ruin that. Experiment around with what you're able to do here for a better outcome. In the paragraph following, the word 'its' and 'it' tends to make the flow weird. I suggest finding a different name such as 'figure' or 'monster' or 'blur' because the reader doesn't know what 'it' is and it's better to substitute with a couple of synonyms.

Again, Gabriel nods and obliges. He pushes himself up into a sitting position, still gazing at the monster like a lovestruck boy.


I found this sentence to be a little odd. Particularly the 'lovestruck boy' phrase is what I'm talking about here. I kind of wonder how old Gabriel is. A teenager? Maybe an early adult? I assume he's a young adult or an adolescent, though I'm not too sure on that.

The chapter starts off as a little unoriginal with the stranger crawling in from the window at night. This beginning feels a little cliche though this is still well-written. The start is still captivating though maybe a bit more tension or not giving away too much in the first chapter might give more build-up to the reveal of Alexandros being an alien making this start two chapters long with the end of the first chapter with that, though that's just a suggestion. Depends on the pacing you're wanting to go with.

Nonetheless this is still quite interesting and the cliffhanger is a nice place to leave off so that the reader wants to read the next chapter. The dialogue feels a bit wonky with all the ellipses and italics and the different uses of punctuation--seems to be a bit of a double-edged sword for you and one of the only larger issues here that I found. Nice job on that.

If you have any questions, don't be afraid to ask! I hope I helped and have a great day.

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Mageheart
Review

Hello, regismare! I'm here to review your work! I'm sorry in advance if my review isn't all that helpful. I'm trying to become a better reviewer, but I'm still not used to reviewing some of the things I'm going to mention in this review.

You had me hooked from the beginning of chapter. Your choice of the present tense instead of the past tense did a great job at keeping me engaged, and made everything seem much more urgent and important. I couldn't find anything wrong with your overall grammar, so I'm just going to focus on the other parts of your chapter.

In regards to description, you focus a lot on the mysterious stranger and how Gabriel feels about him. There's a bit of information about the setting in the very beginning of the chapter, but you don't elaborate on that information later on in the chapter. Suddenly going into a description of what everything looks like wouldn't really fit the tenseness of the story, so maybe you could weave the descriptions about the setting into the actions and dialogue of the characters?

The characters seem very interesting. Gabriel seems like a normal teenager, though I'm guessing this won't hold true in future chapters. He also seems to have some common sense when he tries calling for help. Though he's a great protagonist so far, the character whose personality really shown was Alexandros. I think I started liking his mysterious yet friendly character the moment he realized that he wasn't in Ancient Greece.

I hope this review helped. I really enjoyed reading your work, and I'm sorry if any part of my review seemed harsh! Also, please feel free to PM me if something I said doesn't make sense. I'd be happy to explain it to you. Keep up the great work - which I doubt you'll have trouble with - and good luck on your writing endeavors! I hope you have a wonderful day/night!

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Thank you for the review! It's really helpful : )

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Elijah
Review
Elijah wrote a review · Sun Jul 23, 2017 9:13 pm

Hey, Eli here for birthday rush!

The story was amazing! I do not like aliens stuff honestly but this one was so funny and interesting, so calm around the main persona like it was totally normal to just open up the window and sneak inside a stranger's house. I loved your description and overall details around the monster's appear, his looks and his behaviour. Not just a mass of atoms that had no form, a creature with no sense who could not talk or comminute at all with the other kind. This will help further in the story to connect the two main characters, the alien and the human. What pulled me in were the details after all! Each shapeshifting detail made it even more real, helping the reader actually image the transformation of the monster into something like an animal and then into a human. Do the alien need to be near a human to be able to shift into them? Many questions start to pop up but that is great, it just means that as a reader I am interested in this story. I noticed that the monster needed contact like a touch to comminucate properly with Gabriel, maybe just coincidence or the way the aliens of its own kind do it?

I am so relieved you did not do the 'it's and its' mistake because it is really annoying to explain even if so simple to explain you see? A deep breath out! Your grammar was splending and I have no problem with it for this part, hope to not have for the following parts as well. Overall, I am interested in the next ones and hope to find them out soon!




Gabriel stops moving, stunned and effectively bewildered, as he tries frantically to work out if he’s standing in a dream.

"... Athinaios?"

the monster murmurs, its voice low and smooth, and dangerous, as it drips through the cracks in Gabriel's free will, seeping into it like lava into the rocks.


Keep on writing!

Thanks for the review! I'm glad you like it >.< Alexandros' species don't need to be near a thing to shift into it, they just need to know what it looks like. : )



so many languages have fallen / off of the edge of the world / into the dragon's mouth.
— Lucille Clifton