Just Yesterday

I think this poem has potential but needs a bit more specificity so readers can understand the narrative.

The poem seems to be about a person trying to process that their grandfather has died, which they feel breaks up time, and yet only yesterday he was alive and the world was moving forward. The line about statistics makes me wonder if his death was covid related, but we don't get enough details to make that conclusion.

The premise is good, because it explores one intense aspect of processing grief -> the fact there was a time "before" but now it's different.

Room for improvement would be these areas:
1) you should give more details about the speaker's relationship with their grandfather so the reader understands why their death is so significant and more clearly empathize.

2) The other details about "yesterday" need to be expanded -> I don't know what "yesterday I was free" refers to, it's too vague so it has no significant. Were they free to shop, to own firearms, to party, to learn, to swim... if meaning is left too open to interpretation it ends up being meaningless - the details should in some way connect back to the Grandpa too so we understand how they relate. The same issue is there for the pots and pans and other "yesterday" details.

3)last I think you could pay a bit more attention to narrative structure - a poem in some ways has elements of a story - we want as readers confluct, tension, resolution; right now how is the ordering of your lines building tension? Keeping the detail abour the granpa's death til the end builds tension, but the other details don't seem to be arranged together in any particular frame or order.

Good luck in editing! Hopefully this gives some ideas for future pieces and places to work on this one.

I also wanted to say I am very sorry about your grandfather's passong, this is a nice tribute to him and I hope allowed you to process some of your emotions about him.

All the best,

alliyah

Hi ,rchan5973
Welcome to YWS!

"Loved your writing piece!
After a day of gloomy rain.

Just yesterday

I claimed my freedom"
These lines are just so good.
I do agree with @Haraya.
So I will not repeat the points. Here I have something else to say...

1. the atmosphere is of sadness,right?? Then I just thought that somewhere you could have explained it more.
There are many ways to describe sadness. So my main point is that there was a scope to elaborate your writing .

2."The pots and pans clanged once again

When the clock struck 7 P.M." Beautifully explained the busy moment.

I just want to say ..Great job!
Keep writing!

Hi there! Haraya here to review.

I researched what these kinds of repetition are called and found out they're "anaphora." In your poem, the recurring phrase was the title, "just yesterday." It makes sense because you are showing how things happened all of a sudden, comparing what happened in the past to more recent events.

There was one time you used it quite interestingly. That was in the last reiteration.

"Just yesterday

The doctor called

And my family cried like never before."

I found this interesting because in the previous iterations, you used it like an idiom. "Just yesterday" meant reminiscing the past until that last one, where it literally happened just yesterday. I think that was a smart detail to add. It gave the phrase "just yesterday" a whole new meaning.

However, I wished in each repetition there was a build-up to the sudden news that someone died. For example, in your first iteration, it was as if the speaker is saying things are looking up after a period of sadness. In your second iteration, the speaker finds himself relieved from a burden or responsibility. It didn't feel like a natural progression. For me, it felt redundant, since you already established a sense of optimism in the first iteration.

In the third iteration, it was difficult to interpret but I understood it as the speaker still ate with their family at the same time they always do. I guess it makes sense since you are preparing the line about losing a family member. However, in your fourth iteration, instead of building up the tension, I think the line released it. By saying he was barely breathing, you establish that the family member is frail, but this was close to the end of your poem. It became almost obvious what was next to come, which was the death of that family member.

I suggest you put this detail early in your poem. The anxiety of eventually hearing about the death of this family member will build up in the mind of your reader. Then they won't be able to expect how news of this death will be.

The last line was also problematic. I think what you meant was the family member added to the number of dead among the population. While I think this was a clever image, it wasn't the best image to use here. The idea of a statistic didn't give the same depressing tone of the lines before it. I suggest looking for a more appropriate and more powerful image here.

That's all! Hope I gave a meaningful review. Best of luck to you in your future works!