I looked at my small body in the mirror. The blue in the short, strapless dress brought out the blue specks in my dark grey eyes. My long, dark brown hair curled down my back and covered the part of my chest that the dress didn’t. It was exactly right for me. With the way it hugged my hips and fell softly over the upper part my legs, I knew I had to have it. I tugged the dress off and searched for the price tag. One hundred and twenty dollars for this one dress; that's ridiculous!
I quickly pulled on my faded jeans and black v-neck, and stepped out of the dressing room. I walked over to the register where I saw a young cashier, looking to be in college. Perfect, I thought; noting his hazel eyes hiding slightly behind his shaggy brown hair.
He looked up at me with a grin on his face as he said, “How can I help you?”
“How much is this?” I asked, handing him the dress.
He scanned the tag and said, “A hundred and twenty.”
“Really? Dang it!” I said, trying to sound disappointed.
“What?”
“That’s a little out of my price range… Do you think you could give me a discount?”
“Only employees receive discounts,” he replied quickly.
Time to turn on the charm, I thought as I made sure to look up into his eyes. “You’re an employee, aren’t you..?
I searched for his name tag but couldn’t find one.
“Tom," he finished for me, realizing what I was looking for.
“Tom,” I repeated, batting my eyelashes. I reached over and ran my fingers through his hair while I repeated his name again. “Now, are you sure that only employees receive discounts? Because I think it should be 75% off, don’t you?”
“No,” he said and my face turned into a frown. “I think it should be free. My treat, gorgeous.” He stared into my eyes intently and I smiled in return. He seemed to melt.
“How sweet,” I said although I knew this wasn’t out of the goodness of his heart. No, this was all me. I grabbed the black bag he handed me and turned to head for the door. Just before I stepped outside, I heard yelling from behind. I turned to see a woman yelling at Tom.
“You can’t just hand free stuff away to every cute girl you see!” she shouted. “That’s coming out of your paycheck!”
Tom was just beginning to come out of the trance that he had been in; shaking his head to free it of the fuzziness.
I turned away, feeling sorry for him. That was, until I looked in my bag and saw the silk dress that I had just received without paying a cent. Seth is going to love this! I can’t wait to show him.
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139,622 Literary Works • 672,631 Reviews
Thanks so much for the review, Jai! I really appreciate you taking the time to look over my mistakes (which, believe me, I know there are many in this novel)! I'll definitely keep what you have in mind when I do some serious editing on this in my second draft. Loved the review! :) I'm so glad you did it!
Rachael :D
Hi, I'm Jai. A long time ago, you requested a review from my WRFF thread, and I sincerely apologise for the wait. I've been busy in real life, and assignments and sickness have really caught up with me. However, I'm taking a break from writing 3000 word lesson plans, and here I am to review. I haven't read any of the other reviews, so sorry if I repeat what has already been said.
Hope you had a happy Easter!
Hmm, as a start to a story, I'm not quite sure this is strong enough. There are many reasons why this isn't a good way to start:
1) You're describing your character to the audience in a completely obvious way. It's not a written rule, but for some reason, describing your character out right to the reader appears crass and clumsy. Wouldn't you rather not exactly know what the character looked like from the get go, but discover her appearance along the way through the eyes of other characters?
2) Your character is immediately seen as vain, because she sees herself this way. She's trying to take advantage of a blue dress so her eyes sparkle more, her long brown hair is thick and decadent, she has a nicely curved body. I'm not saying a vain character is a bad character, but I don't think you meant to portray it that way.
3) Your character's thought, "that's ridiculous" isn't really well-founded. We don't know the social-economic background of the character, or her age, so extrapolating upon why the price is ridiculous would be a nice way to bulk out your paragraphs. For all I know, she thinks the price is ridiculous because it's a second-hand outfit at a garage sale.
Green = repetition. I don't like where this story is heading. I can already tell that somehow your main character is going to receive a percentage off the dress because of something she'll say or do.
Red = why is this a semi-colon?
There are so many problems with this dialogue that I don't know where to start.
1) Assuming your main character is shopping in a well-known store, or any store in a mall, a store that sells primarily clothes, a male would not be a cashier. It's a tad unbelievable that a college student is working in a female clothing store. And if there was a male working in a female clothing store, then he should probably be gay. Or at least bi-sexual.
2) Price tags are generally obvious and easy to find on a dress. I don't see how this ploy could have worked. If you are in Target/Walmart, there are price checkers that you scan the barcode under to find out the price.
Would you ever walk into a store, try on a dress, like it, ask the price of the dress, and then run your hands through the cashier's hair asking for a 75% discount?
Again, the believability of this is non-existent.
$120 from a college student's paycheck. Yeah, your character is really sweet and kind.
Your character is so beautiful that her looks put him into a trance?
So my overall opinions:
1) Your main character is your typical Mary Sue. She gets what she wants, when she wants, no questions asked. Not to mention she's beautiful, strong-willed, smart and can charm males with the simplest touch. You do not want a Mary Sue character as your main character. Your story title is "Anything but Normal", but your main character is completely and obviously a copy of every other teenage romance story out there.
2) The occurrences in this chapter are completely unbelievable. No one gets given a $120 dress for stroking the cashier's hair. The woman (I assume Tom's boss) in real life, would have stormed out after you and snatched the dress back out of your hands. Tom would be fired too.
What can be done:
1) You could rewrite this chapter to be more convincing. She could steal the dress, she could rip the price tag off the dress and claim it came from a sales rack, she could ask for a discount and not recieve one, she could put the item on lay-by. Any of these things is more realistic than getting a $120 dress for free.
2) You could write this from Tom's point of view. ie:
So, keep on writing, but yeah, I don't think this chapter part was very entertaining or believable. You can write well, so that's not a factor you have to work on.
- Jai
Thanks, Jesskare! I really appreciate that you took the time to review this! :) Yes, I'll definitely keep that in mind when I start my second draft. Thanks again!
Rachael :D
I really liked this. The idea's really fun and it's so different to anything i've ever written. One thing i noticed is you do give away quite a lot of information in a short piece, and maybe some of it could be spread out and given away later on. But apart from that i think this is really good
xo
Thanks so much for the review, Psudiname! I appreciate the time and effort you put into sharing your opinions! I'll definitely keep in mind your helpful little hints on what readers like to read when I start my second draft. Thanks again!
Rachael :D
So, I must say, I enjoyed reading this, and I think you have done a good job with this piece. without writing a whole lot, you have managed to get across a lot of information, and have done so with considerable style. I thought the pacing was good, and the dialogue was natural.
Judging by the title, I'm going to venture a guess here that we have just seen what is not quite normal about her. It was kind of a surprise to see him give her the dress entirely free, no matter how pretty she is. This either tells the reader that she has some kind of power, or she is just that beautiful. The impressive thing is that you managed to write a piece with enough subtlety to keep the reader guessing, but you revealed enough to keep the reader satisfied and interested. Great opening chapter to make people want to read more, expect reviews on subsequent chapters, as I did particularly enjoy this.
your friend,
---Psudiname
Thanks, Dreamwalker! I completely agree, and will definitely keep your review in mind when I start on my second draft! You've helped me out so much! :D Thanks again!
Rachael
Okay so, Walker here with the first of many reviews you will recieve in the future for your novel ;D. And, seeing as it wasn't requested that I should review the last chapter only, I thought it would be best to review all of them. That being said, lets get on with the show!
So my structures, which usually contain five sections, are dumbed down a bit for shorter pieces. You have your chapters split up into 'part 1' and 'part 2' which makes them relatively short and easy to read. The thing with that is, even if both were together, it still wouldn't be a rather large chapter. Because this is a first draft, I have no qualms against short chapters, but if you're thinking of publishing you might want to beef it up or combine chapters. A short chapter here and there, though, is perfectly fine!
Now, that being said, I have two sections which I'm following today. Nit-picks and Overall. So, here we go!
Nit-Picks:
The first paragraph of a novel is arguably the most important part of a writers job in creating. Its the hook. When a reader comes to terms with what it provides, its usually the drawing line whether they will continue on or not. That being said, right of the bat we have some redundancy. When you use a noun, verb, or adjective twice in a sentence, it gives the impression of repetition. Lovely in poetry but not so desired in prose. That being said, change the word 'blue' to something like 'cyan' or 'azure'. It gives the impression of a more full-bodied vocabulary.
Another tib-bit before I peruse through the rest of this piece would be that when you overuse the word 'and' in a line, it makes it seem more like a list of events than actually following somebodies process of doing things. Try using an array of connective words such as 'before' or 'then'. Here you could easily put 'then' or change the tense and write 'Before I stepped out' etc.
We've got some tense jumping here. You go from past to present, which can happen in a first draft, but should be looked after during the second. Rookie mistakes like that are often enough spotted out by the reader and, in all honesty, any publisher you might try to put this book forth to.
This is in first person so you don't have to specify thinking. If you are, though, which isn't uncommon in prose, put it in italics.
I'm guessing this... ability of your characters to be the reason she's anything but normal? For if not, you might want to think of a more human way of doing this. Even the most beautiful of women can't get away with randomly stroking a strangers face. I sure as hell wouldn't (though I wouldn't say I'm beautiful).
And that ends my nit-picks. Now, onto my next section!
Overall:
Okay, so I definitly like what I'm seeing. You have a protagonist here who, though beautiful aesthetically, is also vain. That is lovely character flaw and I give you thumbs up in that section. A good character is a well developed character, and a well developed character is a flawed character. You have this section down pat.
It also shows a bit of foreshadowing, which I may have caught onto, though I haven't gotten to reading the rest of your chapters. I'm thinking that this ease when it comes to getting what she wants is something very unique for her alone... so, I'm excited to read more, nonetheless.
The thing I would say you need to work on is your use of vocabulary. Prose, though simple and sweet, can also be a challenge. You want your lines to be beautifully sculpted. You want your dialogue to be realistic. Its the writers concept of beauty, I think. So, the best way to do that would be to beef up that vocabulary and start using words that give more colour to this piece.
That and I would also like to see you describe things more. I see that you gave it a good shot. You have some nicely worded bits here and I give you thumbs up for that. Just that I would personally think it better if we knew the setting. The way she moved. The way he reacted. His expression as she stroked his face, or the way her hand rested listelessly against her hip. All these little intricate details make a story believable. You have the makings of a great writer. I see it in the way you try. You just need to beef it up and make it more of the story I'm sure you want it to be.
Hopefully that was helpful and sorry if it was long! Back in the day, my reviews were... ridiculously long no matter how perfect a story was xD. Unfortunately, these days, its not really about the length anymore!
~Dreamwalker
Thanks so much, Jojo! I'll definitely make sure to look over your nitpicks when I come back and start my second draft! :D You've helped me out so much! Thanks again!
Rachael :D
Here ( as requested) sorry for the delay.
Life.
Anyhow, I'm Jojo and I shall be your reviewer for today.
No grammar that i can see, so in this review I will stick to structure and pleasure( for the reader, of course).
Edits will be in blue.
Here, I love the concept and the story that you have so far. But you seem to be narrating your life, not the story. I would focus more on the vital actions that your main character does throughout story- and leave the reader to assume that they "walked out of the dressing room".
Overall:
I really like this piece. It get's me wondering exactly what happened back in the store.
That's Good.
Just smooth out a few of my nit picks and focus more on what matters, not just the detail. Look at each character ( be they major or minor) as a human, and individual. So yeah., Just think about how a human would react to the situation- and the rest just happens!
Keep Writing!
-----------------------
-Jojo
Thanks, Silentpages! Yes, I have noticed that I switch back and forth between tenses, which I am definitely going to fix once I edit this piece! Thanks so much for your opinions on this! :D
Rachael
Interesting! A little short, as others have said, but it's a good introduction to the rest, and it's a good way to show us this power of hers...
Some errors with tense and stuff.
"I turned ... looked ... saw ... is ... can’t..." Should be 'was' and 'couldn't'. Otherwise you should put it into a direct thought by her, setting it aside either in quotation marks or italicized.
As others mentioned, this is just a scene. Right now all I know is that this girl has the power to enchant people. If the whole book is just her going around trancing people into giving her stuff, I'm going to lose interest pretty quickly. Like I said, this is a good introduction, and it's a good way to introduce the character...
But if you really want to catch the reader's interest, don't put this part all on its own. Continue it. Add on to the end and start to introduce a greater conflinct. Make us start wondering already "What is going to happen here?"
Nice work. ^^
Thanks, Oceanwriter99! I appreciate the review. I'll make sure to go back and edit this (it's a first draft :)) when I can. Yes, I know the title sucks (although it does relate to the story later on. I just don't like it.), but it's only temporary. Thanks again! Your advice helps a lot! :)
Rachael
Hey! First off I really like this, it sounds very interesting! Its just, I think you could of put a little bit more into the start of the story to keep me as the reader hooked on the story(The start is the most important part). Also I think you could just explain a little bit more about the situation that was happening in the store so we know what exactly is going on. Haha, also what does the title have to do with the story? I'm just curious. But I think it's good! Keep writing!
Thanks bugbug368!! :) It means a lot!
This is really good. I liked how you get the characters to link and it goes straight into the action. I really enjoyed it and can't wait for more additions. So well done and I hope you continue with this because so far it seems to be good.
- bugbug368
Thanks Lupis! I see exactly what you mean! It helps a lot, thanks again! :)
Hi! Thanks for requesting a review. Sorry this took a while, by the way. I was off exploring the islands of lake titicaca.
Anyway, I think Carbon already pointed out a lot of the stuff I was going to say, so I'll try not to repeat anything.
I like this chapter. Your character is fun, we're already involved with the story, and I want to read more. The prose is rough, but this is a first draft, so I'm not going to go in to that much; the only thing I'd like to say is watch your dialogue and your descriptions. As for the chapter itself, I saw two areas where I'd change something: character development and plot progression. Carbon has already gone covered most of what I'd've (creative contractions, lol!) said, so I'll skip to description.
Example: in the very first paragraph, you immediately start ramming police blotter descriptions down our throats. This is the first paragraph. You need to grab us. You need to wow us/shock us/intrigue us. And right now, I'm not getting that.
Your MC has the potential to be the best thing about this chapter--show us what she is, consistently, from the beginning. It's fine if you want to start with her wanting the dress. But you need to let us see that in a way that is uniquely hers. Carbon touched on this a little--we don't really get a handle on her. Sure, she seems a bit manipulative, but even that wasn't entirely developed. She's vain, she's a bit greedy, and a bit full of herself as well. All of these were basically told to us. Instead, try showing us her traits coming through in everything she does.
Or, to put it another way, when you're telling us her thoughts as she's trying on the dress, we should be able to tell who it is just by reading the prose. Character development takes a huge amount of consistency that may not come until later drafts--that's ok, but as you're still writing it, try to work on really thinking about what makes her her.
The second thing that came to my mind as I was reading was that I'm not sure why you chose to start the story here. Usually, in longer works, we expect a few things from a first chapter: the characters, the setting, and the main conflict. As far as I can see, there's only the first here. What, exactly, does this serve, other than showing us what your MC is like?
Of course, I'm not sure what the main theme of the book is going to be. The conflict could be her personality--in which case, this might be a good set up. But so far, everything is going just fine for her. In fact, it's perfect for her. So, like carbon said, I'm going to be expecting some of this to catch up with her, and fast, or I'll start to lose interest.
All of this said, I still enjoyed reading this, and look forward to seeing the next half. Let me know if you have any questions, or need another review. The next one may take me a few days--innternet has been spotty here. Hope that's ok.
See you!
Lupis
Thanks for the review CarbonCore! I'll make sure to take your advice and revise some parts of this chapter. Thanks again! :)
Spoiler
The spoiler above contains my full text critique. My comments are in [red brackets].
Hmm. Interesting start. It's a little short to be called a chapter, or even a half of a chapter, but it's still a pretty good start. No grammatical or spelling errors, which is nice, though your formatting made it hard to read. I broke it up a little in my critique, and I think you'll find it easier on the eye than the original wall of text.
First of all, I think your descriptive skills could use some work. As of now, they're like the potatoes that my grandpa liked to make: burnt on the outside, raw on the inside. That being said, you go in needless detail in some areas, while avoiding all description altogether in others. I'd like to see at least a few words about the store your heroine is in; a few more words about Tom's expression. Conversely, I'd like to see less words about the main character herself. At the point you describe her, I couldn't care less about how large or small her body is, or how her hair hides her cleavage. What did you hope to accomplish with that paragraph? She likes the dress. Great, give a reason why she likes it - it matches her eyes, it shows off her curves. You did that? Great! Everything else can be thrown out, and shown at a point where it is relevant.
Second: I am not sure how you wanted to characterize your heroine. It seems that when she said "time to turn on the charm", she literally turned on some opium-like trance on Tom - to scam him out of a 120 dollar dress. Well, if that's true, then so far Tom is a much more sympathetic character than your main. Poor Tom. He won't be able to afford this month's rent, and he's going to have to feed off Ramen noodles until his next paycheck. All because some self-centered (pardon my French) bitch decided that she fancies a particular dress at this particular moment in time. Is she dying of cancer and that dress is the very last thing she ever wanted? Does that dress give her the capability to save the Earth? Does scamming an innocent person most likely working minimum wage out of a hundred and twenty dollars benefit anyone but her? If it does, then it should be mentioned somewhere. If the heroine walks away from this scam scot-free, I'm going to be very disappointed.
You could make the point that I'm taking this too seriously and that the whole scene was simply meant as a little comical thingy, but I really think that a hundred and twenty dollars is too much. If any of your readers are like myself and are going to stop to think about what your main character has done, the scene loses any humorous element it ever had. If, however, you are deliberately trying to paint your main character as at least an anti-hero, or at most a villain, then my hat's off to you, miss - you have succeeded with flying colours.
Your servant,
cC
P. S. If you have questions or comments, please contact me via PM or my wall rather than posting another comment on this thread.
Hi xXTheBlackSheepXx! Thanks for the review! I see exactly what you mean; thanks for pointing those mistakes out.
In answer to your question, it explains this completely later into the book. Hope you have the chance to read it (once I post it) and get an answer! :) Sorry that I can't tell you now, though.
Thanks again for the review! It definitely helped! -Rachael
Besides those few comments, I have to second Quibbon’s review completely. ^_^
Hope I helped!
Thanks Xiahou Zay! I get what you're saying about telling everyone what it's about, but I wanted it to be a bit mysterious in the beginning. You understand what it's about in the next two chapters, though. If you happen to read them (when I post them) then, please let me know if it's annoying or makes you want to give up on it. Thanks so much for the tips! :) I'll put them to use!
Thanks so much, Shadowhunter14! I will definitely apply your corrections! :) Glad you liked it; it means a lot!
I Like It, But Can You Tell Us What's It About? You Should Put That In The Beginning Of This Post. But That's By Choice And Welcome. I'm Also New Here Just One Correction.
You Can Just Put "...fell into a shape that.."
Other Than That, Good. Just Follow What Other Reviewers Say For Example Edits. Can't Wait To Read More
~Xiahou Zay
Hey! Thanks for asking me to review your work! I'm always happy to do so!
I agree that this piece was a bit short, and quite brief. I like your writing and wouldn't mind reading more! Anyway, I liked the way that you set the scene and established your character. Like Quibbons Quill said, it would be more natural if you only put a bit of description in the first couple of sentences and then as you continued on you could tell us a little bit more about her physical appearance. Your grammar in this piece seems mostly fine, which is great because there is nothing that puts people off of reading your stuff more than bad grammar. Now for some nitpicks:
(remember the comma there)
This sentence sounded a little awkward, if you know what I mean. Maybe "I saw a cashier who looked college-age." Or "a cashier who looked about twenty" or something like that.
I just liked this sentence, it really gave the reader the impression that he was under the girl's spell.
Anyway, entertaining piece, I enjoyed reading it! Thanks again for asking me to review it. Will read the second part of this novel now
Haha, thanks! :) Yes, that would be so helpful in "real life". =D
Wow, this is good. I like the whole "I'll put you in a trance to get what I need." thing. That's so fun! I wish I could do that to get out of homework, hehe.
Thanks so much for all of your helpful comments! I'll definitely put them to use! Since this is just a first rough draft, I'm planning on definitely reviewing it later so thank you for pointing out some obvious mistakes from a reader's point of view. Yes, I realize that this is really short, in fact, it's only one-fourth of the first chapter. I was originally going to post all of chapter one in one post but decided against it because it seemed a bit overwhelming. But if you say that it's better to post larger chunks then I will next time. Since I'm new here I'm still learning exactly how things work, so thanks for your help! :)
Okey dokey,
firsts things first welcome to YWS, I'm very happy to be your first reviewer.
I should also say that I don't do grammar, can't review it and don't spot the mistakes. Other people I'm sure will fill in the gaps I leave and will tell you about all the roaming , and incorrect speelings but it ain't me,
So here goes, first off I think the piece is a bit short for real review should really be at least twice the length. I get that it's a nice little scene. We do get a bit of character and a it's a good start but try to make the next bit longer so that the rest of us can really get our teeth into it, we have the patience, honest.
Second off, I'd hold off on some of the description of the way the character looks. Having it all at the beginning makes it seem as if you're just getting out of the way so you can get on to the story, also the mirror gambit can seem a bit cliched. Maybe for instance you could put the eyes bit later instead of in the mirror like
"time to turn on the charm I made sure that my dark gray eyes, with just a hint of blue, met his, hazel brown..."
I mean that's just an example but it feels less contrived.
Also you say after "i think it should be free" "I knew i had him", of course she does he's just said that she can have the dress for free. You get what i mean it's needless, it would only work before like "75% off. His eyes, hidden behind his shaggy brown hair were focused on mind. They had softened since I had come over, he seemed not to be able to concentrate on anything else. I knew i had him. "No" he said" i think that would be the best place for it.
In conclusion this short little scene works but it is just a that. A scene, next time put up a bit more so that we can learn more about this vacuous little enchantress. Any way a decent start overall.
PM me with any questions
Quibbons