I looked up and found myself in the middle of Cityplace near Downtown West Palm Beach, Florida. I looked around, enjoying my freedom. Cityplace looked a lot like an outside mall, and had all the major stores that could be found in one. Seth and I only occasionally came here; we liked to hang out at our houses or the beach instead.
I heard the muffled sound of my phone ringing from inside my bag. I dug through my bright yellow purse until I found my phone. By the time I flipped it open, I missed the call. Aunt Stephanie.
“Crap,” I said under my breath.
I didn’t even have a chance to call her back because my phone started ringing again. I answered, expecting the lecture that was sure to come.
“Why would you do that to me?” Aunt Stephanie began. “Do you have any idea how I felt waking up to your empty bed this morning? I swear I had a heart attack.”
“Aunt Stephanie, when did you even wake up?” I asked, already knowing the answer. She had probably only woken up a few minutes ago, as usual.
“Doesn’t matter,” she replied defensively. “What matters is that you get your butt home as soon as possible before I come and get you myself.”
I could tell that she was about to start rambling on about the same things she tells me every waking hour. So I hung up the phone, not in the mood for it. She wasn’t about to ruin my day.
My phone rang again; I rejected the call. It rang again…and again …and again until I finally turned it off. Why does she always have to overreact about everything? Sure, I snuck out of the house. Big deal. If she would have let me come here by myself in the first place, then I wouldn't have had to sneak out.
This is so typical Aunt Stephanie… threatening to come and get me. As if she knows where I am. That’s my obsessively overprotective aunt for you. She’s always rambling on about how dangerous people are and how I shouldn’t trust anyone. She won’t even let me talk to anyone without doing a full-on background check on them; it gets ridiculous at times.
I had been so preoccupied with my thoughts that I hadn’t seen the man walking right toward me until it was too late. He couldn’t see anything past his large map, including me. We ran right into each other. He dropped his map and caught my elbow before I could trip.
“Hey I have to go, I’ll call you back later.” he said into the phone that was placed in between his shoulder and cheek.
“Oh my goodness,” I said to him. “I’m so sorry about that. I was completely distracted.”
“No, no. It’s fine.” the man said. He still held my elbow and quickly glanced at my wrist. He let my arm drop to my side and looked at me with a large smile on his face; showing off all of his white teeth, no doubt.
“Are you sure? I completely ran into you like an idiot.”
“No,” he laughed. “Don’t worry about it. I was just as much an idiot as you were. I really shouldn’t try and multitask; it isn’t my forte.”
I laughed and gave him one of my most promising smiles. He looked to be around only a foot taller than me, with a nice, but not bulky, build. He had black hair that was attractively messy and covered most of his forehead. But what stood out the most about him were his piercing green eyes.
“No offense,” I began. “But you look like such a tourist.”
“That’s because I am one.” he chuckled. “Could you, by any chance, help me find a store? I’m completely lost and this map doesn’t help out much.”
I considered this for a moment. He looked like he was around four years older than me. Aunt Stephanie would probably be upset if she found out that I helped an older man find a store in Cityplace by myself.
“Sure,” I agreed. “What store are you trying to find?”
“It’s some French store. I don’t know how to pronounce the name.” he explained as he held up the map and pointed to the store name.
“Oh, I was just there.” I told him. He wanted to get to the store that I had just gotten the dress from.
“Perfect!”
I led him back the way I had just come from and stopped in front of the store.
He looked at me. “Well you have been very helpful, Miss..?”
“Elizabeth.”
He smiled at me, “Elizabeth. Thank you again for all of your help.”
“You’re forgetting something,” I said as he started to walk toward the entrance.
“I am? What?” he turned; looking around.
“You know my name, but I don’t know yours. Don’t you think that’s kind of unfair?”
“Oh, I’m sorry, I must have forgotten.” he seemed flustered. “My name’s James," he said as he offered his hand.
“Well it’s nice to meet you, James," I said, shaking his hand.
“You too, Elizabeth.”
I looked at him once more, and turned away heading the way I had originally started to go.
“You too, Elizabeth.” I heard him whisper again before I was out of earshot.
For the next few hours, I finished shopping. Subtly, I continued to steal various things from multiple different stores. It was starting to get dark as I stepped out of my last store. Deciding to head home, I started walking down the sidewalk.
I felt a warm breeze blow my hair around my face. The streets had an eerie feeling about them and I began to become very anxious to get home. I started walking a bit faster; trying to get home sooner. But not before I saw headlights close behind me and heard male voices yelling something inaudible.
I turned to see two large men getting out of their car only a few feet away from me. They were looking directly at me. Compared to me, they were both huge, and they smiled as they approached me with absolute confidence. I suddenly just knew. Somehow, I knew that they were going to kill me. My body stopped moving; stopped working altogether. I froze completely; fearing that I had just taken my last breath.
End of chapter
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139,622 Literary Works • 672,631 Reviews
Thanks yet again, Psudiname! Yes, I often have trouble trying to find the perfect balance between having just enough details on the important things, while not boring the readers with insignificant details about nothing. I plan on checking hardcore on my descriptions in my second draft, so thanks for pointing out what needed more. I'll make sure to read over this again when I start the next draft! Thanks again!
Rachael :D
once again, the story was fun to read, and it's clear you have a talent for writing. If I had to suggest a way to make this chapter better, I would say it needs a little more description, not just what your MC sees, but what she experiences using the other four. one of the hardest things to do is balence description with charecter development, and your charecter development is good, but try and add a little more description without hindering the good things you already have. Right now I'm imagining the city she is in as san fransisco because that is my only knowlege of california. If that isn't the image you were trying to paint, adding a little more description might help.
One thing I would like to clear up that you seem to have only glossed over is the part where you say she stole from a couple stores. You didn't really explain how, so I was forced to wonder as to whether she used her femanine charms or whether she just picked things up when no one was looking. If she was seducing people for free stuff, then the fact that you called it stealing shows whether or not the MC thinks it's wrong. Everything else was paced well, but I felt like that part was quickly moved past, and you should slow down and flesh that part out.
P.S. Nice use of a semicolon, few people actually know how to use those correctly.
your friend,
---Psudiname
Thank you so much, Dreamwalker! Your reviews are some of the best! And I cannot explain how much they made me smile! :D I'm so glad that you took the time to make this review! It helps me out in so many ways! Thanks again!
Rachael :D
Walker again! I'm a bit of an Obsessive Compulsive, so don't mind me or anything xD.
So, now that I've reviewed a piece of yours before this, I'm sure you get my structure. That being said, I will start this off without a hitch ;D.
Nit-Picks:
Okay, so, for my first tib-bit towards this piece, I'm going to point out your excessive use of semicolons. I know they look awesome. I use them a lot too. Just that, when you overuse them, the readers start to pick 'em out with their eyes and it takes the focus away from the big picture. Its just like dashes. Beautiful when at random but don't overuse!
One word. Static. A writer should fear static dialogue, and in this case, its pretty fuzzy. I see that the aunt is irresponsible, and I understand what you're trying to put across, but what we have here is a line that doesn't feel really... correct. Like, if I were an irresponsible aunt, I wouldn't say something so blatant and random. Maybe I would say 'What matters is that you took off without me knowing again. Get your butt home this instant.' Get yourself into every character. I know its hard but if you keep trying you'll be able to switch skins like a pro.
Tense jumping. Whether this is technically correct or not, you still jumped and it still looks odd. I would change the second line to 'As if she knew where I was'.
Right here, you direct the voice straight to the audience or 'reader' in this case. As much as thats cool in diaries, its a little strange for a reader to be addressed and feels odd. Change this to past tense and you'l have golden lines.
I think you should give a bit of emotion into this like "I was surprised that he had dropped his map and..." etc. That way it makes it seem more like a noble act then a clumsy move that he had done by mistake which was my first thought towards the line.
Punctuation, punctuation, punctuation. I know its dialogue. I know it seems random and all. But, in all honesty, punctuation is always, always, always necessary. There should be a comma behind the 'Hey' and the comma behind 'go' should be a period. I'm a punctuation Nazi. Its a problem.
A little fuzzy. Fix up the static. I usually only point out twice or thrice mistakes if they are pretty blatant so check em out, kay? If so, you'll get better everyday!
Two things. Firstly, when someone rounds up an age, they usually say 'two or three' and if its durastic, 'five'. You never really look at someone and think they look four years older than you. That would be way too random a thought process.
Secondly, I'm not quite sure how old your protagonist is. If she is 18, then four years really isn't much. Trust me, I'm 18 xD. If shes fifteen, I could see that being a problem with any responsible adult. Other than that, its really up to you! Of course, at fifteen, your male would be about 19 if I'm correct, and in any case, I wouldn't specify him as a man. Hell, I hardly specify any male to be a man before they are 30 or older.
One thing we must always understand as writers is that the reader is a lot smarter than you give them credit for. As a reader, I knew right away which store she has mean't by saying 'I was just there'. You don't have to tell us. We already assume.
If you want to make it known though, you can always slide it in that 'We arrived at the store I had previously scammed my blue dress from' or something of that general sort.
Here we have some telling. This is a no no when it comes to writing prose. When a reader picks up a book, they want to be shown the characters, plot, setting, everything, whether they admit it or not. A book is like a human body and its flesh is desciption. Its soul is characterization. Its voice is dialogue. Its brain is vocabulary. Its organs are character flaw. Its blood is plot (what keeps it moving of course!) Its heart is the passion you bring. A novel always has heart whether or not its bad because someone took the time to try and completed it. It does not mean they have a full body. Just that they have the startings of life, and theres something really profound in that.
Think about that when you write. Not that you're creating something tangible, but alive and breathing. That you want your creation to be so complete, and so whole that it can flourish and survive without you. That it is capable of breathing without your life-support.
I'm a writer too if you can't tell xD.
And suddenly I'm biased xD. My names Elizabeth and my biggest pet-peeve is reading a book with a protagonist who has the same name as myself. Not that I don't like your piece! Just that it will be a little harder for me to continue. I'll keep trucking though!
And thats all for that section! Now onto my overall ;D.
Overall:
What a cliff-hanger! I'm actually rather excited to see what happens next. Its almost much too intriguing.
For that, I will give you thumbs up in this section.
Now, the next thing I would like to get at is your fleshing. As I stated prior in my body comparison, description is the flesh of the novel. Without it you have a very pretty skeleton but not a lot of real power and depth. For that, I would say go back and really give this piece what it needs. Mostly, it needs some muscle and tonage ;D.
You also have a very juxtaposing aunt! Shes a worry wart, which is seen as 'overdoing' and yet she sleeps in late which is 'underdoing'. That being said, if you want to keep this for effect, go or it, but character wise, its a little wishy-washy and can be seen by some as bad characterization. It really depends on how you put it across though in later chapters!
That and you need to give this piece a brain. And a voice. Some lines were good, don't get me wrong, but you still have struggles with the static when it comes to the voice you bring. Keep on trucking and soon enough your novel with be thinking ad speaking on its own!
Other than that, I loved it and am excited to review more!
~Dreamwalker
Thanks, Gloss1! I'm flattered! :D
Rachael
All I'm going to say is that I would definitely follow this story!
Thanks Bugbug! :) I'll be sure to change the format of my little comment! Thanks for pointing that out!
Hmmm... Not something that I would read, but I gave it a a go and actually seemed to like it. It's good, but when I first started reading this, I thought when you was talking it was part of the story! I was just like whoa, then I read on and then I was like oh.
-Rachael
Sorry for the sudden ending in part one of chapter one, but I thought that posting the entire chapter in one posting would be a bit overwhelming. I'm sorry, but this book is only a first rough draft, so it is most definitely not perfect, therefore, I'm open to criticism and comments. If something confuses you or you see a typo please let me know! 
-Rachael
Maybe you could highlight it and put it in italics or have it on spoiler like so:
Sorry for the sudden ending in part one of chapter one, but I thought that posting the entire chapter in one posting would be a bit overwhelming. I'm sorry, but this book is only a first rough draft, so it is most definitely not perfect, therefore, I'm open to criticism and comments. If something confuses you or you see a typo please let me know!
Or...
Spoiler
Anyway, I did really enjoy this part and I thought it had picked up the pace a bit from the last part. So well done and hopefully will see more of it soon.
Hi xXTheBlackSheepXx!! Thanks so much for the review! I completely agree! :)
Back again for part 2
I felt that this was pretty cliché. It seems like every romance story slips in one of these lines.Nice cliffhanger! It really leaves us at the height of suspense.
I agree with this correction; the sentence is a mouthful.
I do like Elizabeth’s character, however immoral she is
I wish that you had a little bit more personality from the other characters, though. The boys in your story seem kind of one-dimensional, like they only exist to aid your main character. Please don’t make them that way, they are people too! But there’s plenty of time to give them some personality, we’re only still in the beginning. Also, I’d like a bit more from her mom, too.
I’m interested to read more of this, so when you get the next part up would you let me know? I reply to PMs the fastest
~blacksheep
Thanks yet again, CarbonCore! The review helped a ton! :)
Spoiler
The spoiler above contains my text critique. My comments are in [red brackets] and words that aren't needed are
red and crossed out.Again, I'm getting a very negative opinion of Elizabeth. Couldn't she leave her aunt a little note saying she'll be out? I mean, on one hand, sure, her aunt is over-protective, I get that, that's cool. But on the other, it's common courtesy to let a person know you'll be out, just so they don't - well - have a heart attack, like Aunt Stephanie almost did. There are so many negative traits in Elizabeth, it's so hard to sympathize with her. Did you intend me to cheer when the men in black came out of the van, just because there's a chance now Elizabeth is going to pay for all she's done? I wonder. But this issue pales in comparison to what I'm about to bring up.
The men in black. Okay, let me tell you all the positive things about your works so far first. You write in an engaging style, the conversations your characters have feel real, and, while there aren't as many descriptions as I'd like, your prose stays clean of most unnecessary junk that litters other people's work. But those men. Hoo, those men. Who are they? No -- if you're going to say that this is a part of the mystery, I'm going to have to argue with you. There was absolutely no indication anything was going to go wrong. Elizabeth did not recall in her memories the times when a black van passed in front of her house. She never wondered why certain people keep following her. There was absolutely *no* indication that she was ever in any danger, and now danger just plops in front of us on the pavement like a desperate person jumping off a tall building. ??? Where did it come from? Can we get a little background? Why is she so afraid of those men, maybe they're just tourists? Aaaaah! *brain explodes*
Anyway, avoid that. You might have as well put a giant space flea from nowhere instead of large men. Their appearance makes no - sense - whatsoever. I don't know if I'll get to the second chapter today, I'll most likely do it tomorrow or the day after (I'm writing this from work, and I've got a few urgent things to take care of).
Your servant,
cC
You know, I've always felt that there wasn't something quite right with that sentence. Thanks for pointing it out! :) I'll definitely change it to something that fits better. Yes, unfortunately it does lack a bit of spark; I've noticed that. But it picks up quite nicely in the next chapters, if I do say so myself. Thanks again for the review, Quibbons!
Hello,
I realized I'd read this but not reviewed it. So here goes
So firstly it sounds like what you stole were "subtle's" or things that were subtle "but a dress isn't subtle, what I think you mean is "I stole things subtly". Secondly you don't nedd "the same way i had" bit just have something like "i continued to steal things subtly"
Overall I like the piece. I think it moves at a good pace and I like the characterization of Elizabeth and her aunt. Sorry this isn't so detailed but I feel like this is the start of a good story and the set up seems fine. It lacks a bit of spark but that usually comes with the story really kicking in
PM if you want a more detailed review (honestly I kind of owe you one after this
Quibbons
Xiahou Zay, thanks again! Your review helped out a lot! I'll make sure to edit part two as soon as I can! I should be posting chapter two sometime soon, so keep on the lookout if you want to read it! :)
Hey RayHutch! I've Been Waiting For This Part Of The Story, I Second ShadowHunter's Edits But This Part Just Keeps Me Thinking...
You Can Put " I occasionally came here with Seth"
Other Than That It's Great! Now I'm Waiting For Part 3! Rack Up Those Points! Keep Writing!
-Xiahou Zay
Thanks so much for the review! I've overlooked this chapter so much so it's really helpful when you point out the flaws! I'll yet again apply these when I edit this piece! Thanks again Shadowhunter! Your reviews are really helpful and I hope you can review more of my work when I post them! :)
Hey again! It's me, Shdaowhunter, come to review your second piece
Like the last piece, I found this piece entertaining and I loved the cliff-hanger at the end! You told us more about Elizabeth and also introduced some new characters. I liked the way that you quickly gave us an idea of what Aunt Stephanie was like, and James too.We are yet to meet Seth, but I'm sure he's an interesting character too.
I didn't think you needed quite that much description in one sentence. Just tell us a bit about the two objects, and we're happy! Unless the purse and hte phone play an important role in the story, it isn't necessary for you to tell us a lot about them. It just slows down the flow of the story.
"per" wasn't really needed in that sentence.
I can kind of see what you were trying to do here, but I think that this bit would make more sense if you moved the "This is so typical Aunt Stephanie" part before the part where she walks into James.
Anyway, good job! I liked this part and can't wait to read the next one